


Empathetically Mine

by thatkidryder



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Anxiety, Canon-Typical Behavior, Cognitive Dissonance, Comfort, Communication, Cuddling, Demisexual Essek, Desire, Drama, Facing Your Fears, First Kiss, Fluff, Intrusive Thoughts, Kissing, Literal Sleeping Together, M/M, Making Out, Masturbation, Morality, Morally Ambiguous Character, New Relationship, Non-Sexual Intimacy, Overstimulation, Panic Attacks, Past Abuse, Romance, Self-Acceptance, Self-Doubt, Sex Toys, Sexual Intimacy, Slow Burn, Touch Aversion, beach smooches, cute wizards, emotional dissonance, guilt navigation, handjobs, manual sex, the stress-responce cycle is WILD ya'll, the wildmother says get a room
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-23
Updated: 2020-09-26
Packaged: 2021-02-28 18:33:41
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 15
Words: 75,830
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23271778
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thatkidryder/pseuds/thatkidryder
Summary: Set post- Travelercon. Written as a coping mechanism for the COVID-19 Hiatus.Caleb decides to make a move on his feelings for Essek, garnering a predictably variable reaction from the Nein. Essek is forced to re-evaluate his relationship with himself, his friends, and his alignment.Plot with some sexual content. The porn serves the plot.
Relationships: Essek Thelyss/Caleb Widogast
Comments: 88
Kudos: 576





	1. 1

The ship cut through the waves. It always had, even when it was Avantika’s ship. It was a good one, Caleb pondered. They were fortunate to have it. The moon was filtered by clouds, softening the light reflected in the sea. Caleb took a deep breath of the salty air, allowing himself a moment to exist on the pirate ship in peace.

Beauregard approached, pulling the last bits of tinsel and confetti from her robes- the remnants of TravelerCon. The event had been an overwhelmingly benevolent success: Jester was ecstatic, The Traveller was relieved, and nobody had died. Now, they had the weeks long journey back to Nicodranas to look forward to. Caduceus’s idea, to not teleport. A small break from the tough decisions that would have to be made when they reached home, wherever that was. Home was with these people, was it not? Caleb thought. 

Beauregard stepped easily with the swaying of the ship. She settled beside Caleb to lean back on the railing.

“So…” She said, face cool in a way Caleb had seen many times before. Placid, trained relaxation- a face meant for information gathering and lying. Caleb squinted curiously in her direction. Surely she knew she didn’t need to put up a front with him?

“So.” Caleb said. He didn’t know what was bothering her- it could be so many things. “You look as though you are having a hard time relaxing, Beauregard.” He said. Beau stared straight ahead, eyes seeming to pick apart a heavy sailing rope holding the sails aloft.

“You looking forward to seeing Essek?” She said with a raise of her scarred brow. Ah. That would be the reason for the poker face. Caleb looked down at the waves the ship cut into the sea. He felt a wave of heat and cold rush over him, remembering when he last saw Essek’s illusory form disappear in a flash. How was he to contend with betrayal from someone he felt so inclined to be near?

“I am looking forward to finding out what his intentions are.” He pulled his fingers into a fist. “I don’t know if it’s wise to look much farther ahead than that.” He glanced to the side and saw Beaus eyes slide shut in a smirk and chuckle. She lazed back against the rail, tipping her head back to let the breeze caress her neck. 

“You with Caduceus on this? Think we should put everything on hold until we feel like paying attention again?” She said. Her tone was… uncomfortably condescending.

“I never said that.” Caleb frowned. “But there’s not much use in driving myself crazy thinking about all the things I don’t know for certain.”

“I’m sure you know some things for certain.”

“That makes one of us.”

“You knew you had feelings for him.” Her head tilted to look at him, and Caleb met her eyes with the best control he could muster. His chest squirmed and burned. “You knew it wasn’t safe to act on those feelings.” She said.

He didn’t have to lie to her, after all, they were very good friends. She certainly didn’t need to talk down at him. 

“I would ask,” He began, hoping she would understand. “that you speak plainly, Beauregard.” Consider your words. Consider that just _maybe,_ I know how ridiculous is to care for him. He could see her cheek twitch. Her lips slid into a frown. She turned to face the ocean, arms crossed on the railing beside him.

“I know that you had feelings for Essek.” She sighed. Caleb felt his skin rise with goose prickles from hearing it out loud. ‘Had’. He breathed so deeply he felt his body fighting back panic. Things would be so much easier if it was ‘had’. Beau watched him, her mouth opened slightly, closed, grimaced, opened again.

“And I think you still have feelings for him.” She said.

Caleb let his forehead tip onto the dock. It was such a gamble, to acknowledge feeling this way. He thought of how quickly he leapt to provide comfort when Essek was terrified and the truth laid bare. How frighted he himself had been that he was going to loose someone who he so wanted to know. He thought of how Essek had flinched when Jester had taken his hand, yet had quietly leaned into Caleb’s lips.

“You could say that, ja.” Caleb lifted his head. The sea was beautiful tonight, and a cold breeze soothed the flush and sweat suddenly present on his neck. 

“Any idea what you’re gonna do?” Beau asked. Quietly. With sympathy, even. Even with all the distain she held for Essek, she still loved Caleb.

“I don’t know.” Caleb said. His voice felt like it wanted to break higher. He rubbed at his face and looked at his friend. “I don’t know. Everything got a lot trickier, all of a sudden.”

The breeze blew between them, cold, then warm and comforting. The Wildmother, perhaps? Caleb wished he could draw some comfort from it, the way Fjord or Caduceus would. Beau sighed. 

“This is usually the part where I’d tell you, you deserve someone better.” She said. “But I know that won’t help. I’ve… been attracted to bad people before.I know how tempting it can be.” Beau let her hands talk with her, fist clenching and relaxing with the furrow of her brow. “You think you’re the only one left who’s willing to give a fuck for them. Even when everyone else is saying they’re a lost cause, or even dangerous. And sometimes those people can change.” One of her hands flopped down to her side. “We’ve all changed. But, not until we realized we didn’t like the people we started out as.” Caleb watched her, refusing to let himself look down. She was right. “I’m worried Essek doesn’t want to progress. I don’t think the remorse for his past actions is there.” 

He smiled sadly. He nodded towards her, then gave himself the reprieve of staring at the worn wooden rail.

“Ja, I’m worried about that too.” Caleb said. “I’m worried that… whatever I feel towards him will trick me into thinking he is already the man I want him to be.” 

But Caleb wasn’t alone. He had to remind himself, even here when his life threatened to turn tumultuous again. He had watchful, caring eyes, all around him. 

“I may have to selfishly ask that you look out for me.” He said. Beau smirked, and stared down at the waves churned up by the ocean.

“I don’t trust him, Caleb.” She said, and he looked at her, scrutinized her, dared her to maintain it was even possible that he could stop himself from getting hurt over Essek. But instead she patted him on the arm, a little too hard, like families do, and straightened up.

“Goodnight Caleb.”

And she walked away.

~

Caleb and the Mighty Nein stood in a hallway of the Lucid Bastion, met by the Shadowhand.

“You’ve returned.” Essek said. His cheeks were slightly flushed, and one lock of silver hair was out of place, fluttering slightly from the pull of his levitation field. Caleb fought his mouth to not grin at Essek’s slightly disheveled appearance. He has been worried, Caleb thought, or perhaps very busy. Essek appraised the group, taking in all of their expressions with quiet scrutiny. When his eyes came to rest on Caleb, Caleb felt his body move as though compelled. It was too easy to step towards him and tuck that bit of hair back into place. Essek froze only for an instant, before returning Caleb’s easy smile. 

“We’re back.” Caleb said. It was those moments, shared publicly and yet only between them, that would quiet and blur the world rest of the world. Then Caleb blinked and everything was clear again. 

“It’s good to be back.” Caduceus said. His warm tone echoed in the marbled hall. 

“Essek! It’s so good to see you!” Jester sprung forward, arms outstretched for a hug, but she stilled when Essek put a hand up to stop her. She blinked at him, mind racing to find where she had crossed a line.

“Ah, Jester. It’s good to see you too. Perhaps you would all like to follow me somewhere more private?” His eyes trailed a paid of Kryn guards speaking quietly as they walked past, then back to Jester.

“Like your house?” Jester asked. 

“Perhaps another time, but my offices here will suit us fine.” He said, scanning over the group for approval. 

“Please, lead the way.” Said Fjord.

As soon as the door closed Jester attacked. A prisoner to her affection, but letting slip a flustered smile, Essek patted her lightly on the back as she rocked him too and fro. Caleb smiled.

The group chatted idly about their journey back, where and what they wanted to do next. Beau stayed markedly quiet. Caleb’s mind prickled with anticipation, but he would have to be patient. Essek had been clever, as usual, to keep them in a place surely filled with prying ears to gauge their intention with seeing him. Any mention of his involvement with the Assembly here would bring his own men down upon him in an instant. But, it went unsaid. The conversation remained pleasant and friendly. When the group was set to finally head back home, Caleb opted to stay. Chat a bit longer. Boring magic stuff. Jester’s whole body seemed to wind with knowing and excitement, and she led the group out the door.

Veth froze Caleb with a look as she made her way to the door. Was it disappointment? Or Betrayal? Caleb listened to their footsteps echo into nothing while Essek moved to his desk to pick up working again. Caleb joined him and let his eyes scan the sheets of parchment-

_Oh my god Caleb! Are you going to…._

Jester’s voice trailed off. His heart pounded in his head while he waited for the rest of the message. 

_Need… anything from the store? We’re gonna go shopping….. Byeeeee._

It was as though before she had gotten halfway, she had thought better of it. Had Veth stopped her? Or Beau? Caleb felt his knees go momentarily weak. Just how much was he really risking here?

“I think I can tell from the expression you’ve just heard from Jester?” Essek said with a small smile. Caleb’s attention snapped back to the present. The present with Essek, alone in his office in the Lucid Bastion. Caleb smiled, and glanced down at the pages Essek was clearing away.

“You’ve been working hard while we were away.” Caleb said.

“The regular goings on of ending a war, yes. Though for every agent we recall there’s one more sent to slip back.” Essek said, casual and resigned.

“That makes sense. Most political relationships are built on mutual mistrust.” He said, and Essek’s motions slowed. Caleb watched his face soften.

“People tend to stay safer, the fewer they trust with power and secrets.” Essek said.

“And lonelier.” Caleb said. Essek shook his head and smiled. He placed a stack of papers back into his desk drawer and moved to draw his mantel around his shoulders. 

“Then perhaps it is better we mistrust each other, together?” He said, gesturing with a hand so the door swung open.

“May I walk you home?” Caleb said. Essek let himself smile. Caleb’s heart filled with hope.

“Thank you. Let’s.”

They chatted pleasantly as they strolled though the eternally dark city. The further from the Lucid Bastion they went the more Essek seemed to drift lower and lower, until finally at his front gate he touched the ground. He paused, hand halted before opening the gate. Caleb fidgeted at the closure of his coat.

“May I come in fo-

“Would you like to-

They both stopped and smiled. Caleb was for the most part sure Essek knew his intent- that it was mutual even. But as the opportunities to explicitly say his feelings extended places other than blessed friendship grew, Caleb’s felt his breath grow increasingly short.

“Yes, I would love to.” Caleb said with a small nod. Essek’s cloak dragged behind him as he walked up the front pathway, and he was quick to discard it once they were inside. Caleb removed his overcoat as well, catching Essek’s eyes trailing over the books at his sides. He led Caleb into a room he’d not been in before- a library, or rather a nook. A bit cozier than the sitting room. 

“Wine?” Essek said, walking pointedly back to the door.

“Please.” 

Caleb browsed the shelves. Most of the titles were in Undercommon, but he was surprised to find one in Zemnian of all things. It was very old Zemnian, familiar, yet he couldn’t quite read it. When Essek returned, Caleb had pulled the book and was flipping through the pages.

“I came across that only a little while ago.” Essek said. “I thought the script was similar to some of the notes you shared with me during our work on the Transformation spell.”

“Old Zemnian. If you don’t mind I’d love to look through it sometime.”

“Of course. You are probably the only person I would ever trust to glean something from it.” Essek said, getting comfortable on the couch. Caleb sat at the opposite end, mind racing. He could borrow the book because he was smart? Or because he was Zemnian? Or because Essek knew it would make him happy? Essek took a sip of wine and sighed. He idly swirled in in the glass.

“So, how many of them want to kill me?” He said easily. Caleb’s fingers twitched.

“You have so little faith in your friends?” Caleb said.

“Quite the opposite. I know my friends to be of the moral sort, and so I have an expectation of their current opinions of me.”

“What about my opinion?” Caleb said, and he crossed one leg over, getting just marginally closer. Essek blinked a few times.

“…I think you hope for proof that you are not too forgone.” He said. Caleb furrowed his brow. Did Essek truly think his defense of the man was selfish?

“Ja, sure. But it is more than that.” Caleb finally took a small sip, hoping the alcohol might make things easier. “I hope that the same is true for you. ”

“I appreciate it.” Essek said. “ Really, I do. But when I think of you or any of your friends-

“Our friends.” 

“….When I think of any of the people I care about getting harmed because they associated with me, I question if I am just condemning more to die for the sake of my own desire for companionship.” 

Caleb stayed silent, listening. Essek’s eyes lingered on his, and he pulled them back to his wine.

“It’s one thing to know an inevitable conflict happened a few years sooner.” Essek continued. “Quite another to know people would have been safe, if you just hadn’t pushed your own loneliness on them.”

“You don’t get to choose if people care about you, Essek.” Caleb said. “We don’t get to decide if we’re worth the chance that someone else gives.”

Essek pondered the words, bouncing one foot in the air nervously. Caleb’s heart pounded in his chest, and he scooted slightly closer. Essek watched him and shut his eyes hard for a moment. He let out a strained sigh.

“Why have you come here Caleb?” Essek set his glass aside, shifted his legs so that they stretched out towards Caleb. Holding him at bay, but becoming closer by doing so. 

“You know why.” 

Essek’s lips twitched into a momentary smile before falling back into a frown. He straightened one leg just enough so his shin pressed up against Caleb’s knee. Essek watched Caleb’s eyes trace up his body from where they touched. He seemed lost, in the mire of his own thoughts. His voice came out quiet, his lips barely moving.

“It’s a bad idea.”

Caleb’s body trembled and he doubled over. He hadn’t realized he had been holding his breath until that moment. He gasped, gulping down air as fast as he could, and Essek was upon him immediately, voice full of concern.

“Caleb?Are-are you okay?”

He felt Essek’s light touch on his back, uncertain and frightened for his friend. How quickly he had responded. Caleb could only laugh. He squeezed Essek’s leg and looked at him, face drawn in a sad smile. He watched the color gather across Essek’s cheeks.

“You are okay?” He said. 

“Ja.” Caleb nodded. He took another deep breath. “Relived.” He nodded to himself, and Essek smiled, curiously. 

“Of what?” He said with a small shrug. Still beside him. Still touching him. Essek drew his hand across Caleb’s back and back towards his lap and Caleb intersected it. Essek let him hold it. Caleb let himself laugh a few more times, and he couldn’t stop his smile.

“I… think you feel the same way I do. I think you are also frightened of it, and you want it all the same.”

Essek shook his head, still smiling. Still, he didn’t move away as Caleb moved closer.

“It would be,” He laughed. “ _Incredibly_ selfish.” He took a breath, so close now Caleb could feel it on his skin.

“Then I am very selfish.” Caleb murmured and closed the distance. Essek’s lips were feather light on his, but the longer Caleb waited, patiently, the more sure they became. Caleb wanted to stay like that forever, and Essek’s hand gripped his, firm and sure. For a while at least, then he gave Caleb’s hand a squeeze and they parted. Caleb watch him glance away, then back again, as if waiting for someone to try and stop him. 

“You are okay?” Caleb asked. Essek nodded, and gave a dry laugh.

“This is a very bad idea.”

“Shall I go?” Caleb said, and Essek’s face grew suddenly pale. “I wouldn’t want to make you uncomfortable.” Essek laughed, then covered his mouth. He smiled at Caleb, and Caleb leaned close again.

“I have not been so comfortable in a very long time.” 

Essek pressed his lips to Caleb’s again. Caleb gave an experimental pull on his hand to see if Essek would let himself be guided, but met resistance. Instead Essek brought his other hand to Caleb’s cheek. His touch was cold, but it was him, so Caleb didn’t care. When they parted, Essek’s thumb moved across the freckles under Caleb’s eye. Caleb stayed there in his palm, wanting to learn every facet of this new beginning. Essek smiled and finally let his hand drop back to his lap.

“I… am not so experienced as I fear you may have hoped.” 

Caleb laughed.

“Anything I have hoped for, you have already surpassed.” He said. Essek smiled, but still began to draw away slightly.

“I have not… I didn’t have friends, outside of late. Acquaintances, when I was an adolescent, but nothing like this.” Essek said. Caleb’s mind raced to connect the dots. 

“You have not been physical? With affection I mean.” Caleb said. He ran his thumb over the hand Essek had still allowed him to hold. Essek licked his lips, thinking. He nodded, looking to the ceiling as he remembered. 

“I have been physical. Kissing and.. some other things. But I suppose it became rather like the floating. Teenagers are supposed to experiment and be slaves to their hormones.” He paused to watch Caleb, who just listened attentively. “I have never _wanted_ to be physical with someone, until now.” Essek said, and Caleb’s heart glowed as a purple flush bloomed across Essek’s cheeks. Essek smiled sheepishly. “As if there are not enough reasons you should not want to be with me.” 

Caleb refused to play into that line of reasoning. 

“If I wanted anyone else, I would not be here. Other people are not _you._ ” Caleb shifted, bringing one leg up so it bumped Essek. They both shifted momentarily, settling into a position where they could face each other, and Caleb held Essek’s hands. “I want _you_ , Essek. Anything more than what you willingly give is of no concern to me.”

Essek looked at him curiously.

“ Do not misunderstand, I _do_ want to give, it is just all very new.” He drew one hand away to gesture. “ _I_ don’t know what I am truly comfortable with- whether that’s fucking in a dungeon or little more than this, _I_ don’t know.” He said. Caleb gave his hand a squeeze.

“Either of those would be fine with me. I am here for you _heart._ For your _mind.”_ Caleb said, and raised a brow. “Yes, you are incredibly handsome, but that is not _why_ I am here.”

“The things you say.” Essek said, turning over Caleb’s hand in his own. He let out a heavy sigh. “I care for you, I think this has been established. I am unsure of how this will affect the future.”

“Positively, I hope.”

“Me as well.”

Caleb could feel his heart beating steadily as they spoke, and wondered if Essek felt the same. 

“There are no illusions here, Essek.” Caleb said. “We are damaged men, and all we can do is try to be better than we are now.” Essek huffed and gave a slight eye roll. 

“Therein lies one source of my anxiety. This ‘better’ that you keep advocating for, I find it hard to accept as a possibility. I don’t consider myself good, but I do think the way I operate now has produced results.” Essek’s face grew slightly.. proud? More sure? Were it about anything else Caleb might have grown a little hot under the collar. Essek continued. 

“The beacons have been studied, the war has been ended.”

“I hope you don’t believe that both of those things would have happened had our friends and I not intervened.”

“No, I don’t fancy myself that effective as a diplomat and negotiator to have ended the war alone.” He deflated slightly, noticing Caleb’s unease. A good sign, Caleb thought. “Perhaps one day I will be able to explain why I feel my actions were justified.”

Essek raised one of Caleb’s hands, and kissed it softly. Caleb’s heart pounded and spread joy within him.Essek watched him carefully.

“But my actions did bring me you.” He said. “And you claim to care for me as I am.”

Caleb felt a pant of worry, a flare of anger, and pulled his hand away.

“I care for you, Essek, and I can’t say I will stop if you stay as you are now, but there will be… tension. Maybe I don’t have the complete picture, but I don’t believe my heart will allow me to stay in love with someone who would weigh the suffering of others as a necessary by-product to his own goals. That is the mindset of the people who stole from me, my soul.” Caleb’s chest burned. Just for a moment he could hear his own screams beginning to mingle with the roar of flames. He took a breath. “I cannot give myself to someone who would flippantly see others destroyed as I was.”

Essek was silent for a long while. His face twitched and his teeth ground together, and his eyes flicked between the floor, Caleb’s eyes and his hands. Finally, he laid his hands out, open palmed, and looked directly at Caleb.

“I will try to change.” Essek said. “I can make no promises, other than it will not be easy. It would bring me no greater misery than to see hurt or harm come to you or the others due to my actions.” He closed his emptyhands for a moment, watching them, frowning. “I will admit I am curious, why are you so adamant to take this risk, knowing it may very well backfire?” His gaze returned to Caleb, and Caleb hoped the uncertainty he saw reflected back at him could be assuaged.

“I will not stop caring for you without pain regardless.” Caleb said, and laid his hands in Essek’s again, watching Essek’s fingers close around his. “I could probably get past it, with enough time and space, but not without mourning for you.” Caleb tilted his head back up to face Essek. “I want to see you succeed. If I am around you but forced to shun these feelings we share, I will have no choice but to go. There is no zero sum when it comes to love.” A smile flitted across Essek’s face. Caleb smiled and continued.“If you feel the same, and at best I may motivate you to be the person I know you can be, then I am at a greater loss having not acted.”

Essek chuckled, and squeezed Caleb’s hands. 

“You are very attractive to me when you are calculating gains and loss.”Essek said. “And I hope you are right.”

“I am right.” Caleb said. Essek studied him, and Caleb laid himself bare. Take my desire, my hope, my steadfast care. I will not go down without a fight.

After a long moment, Essek shifted up onto his knees, and Caleb allowed himself to be gently pushed backwards until he lay the length of the small couch. Essek looked away for a moment, but Caleb laid patiently while Essek gathered his courage. Essek lowered himself to lay along side Caleb, shifting and inching closer until they touched at a few points. He was stiff as a board, and Caleb could see his spell book digging into Essek’s back. It was indeed, a poor attempt at a cuddle.

“Ah, let me remove my books.” Caleb said, they both sat up. Caleb quickly disposed of the harness on the floor. opened his arms towards Essek as he scooted back a bit to sit up more. He could see Essek’s clenched hands and a barely noticeable bounce to his foot on the floor. 

“I apologize,” Essek said, “like I said, new.”

“Ja, that’s okay. Come here? And if it doesn’t seem right we’ll try a different way.” Caleb said. Essek moved closer, carefully, and Caleb guided him into a more comfortable position. Essek lay with his head against Caleb’s bicep and one arm across his chest. On his own, Essek shifted one knee to lie on top of Caleb’s. Essek’s breath was quick and hot against Caleb’s cheek, and he hoped this was close to what Essek had wanted. Each moment that slipped by Caleb felt more of the other man’s weight relax into him, and with that he himself grew more content. Essek’s hands and feet were cool against him, but the rest of him was warm. With one big sigh Essek pulled himself closer in every way and pressed a light kiss to Caleb’s cheek. Caleb turned his head to the best of his ability.

“Good?”

“Good.” Essek hummed pleasantly as Caleb began to drag his fingers along his arm. “Caleb.”

“Hm?”

Essek lifted his head, and Caleb smiled and leaned over for one last light kiss.

“Thank you.” Essek said. “For this.”


	2. 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Caleb meets up with Veth and Yeza to discuss a possible way for Essek to redeem himself.

Caleb sat across from the tenants of a lavish beachfront house in Nicodranas, an elegant wood and glass coffee table between them. Amassive golden fountain in the shape of a Minorar burbled in the corner of the sitting space. Veth lounged in a shimmering yellow and green robe with a flute of sparkling water in one hand, staring at Caleb, her lips a tight line. Yeza stood beside her, more conservatively clothed, frozen mid pour from a crystalline jug. 

“A teleportation circle to Felderwin?” Yeza said. Sparkling water gushed from the rim of Veth’s glass and down onto the hardwood floor. “Oh-oh my gosh I’m so sorry. Um, I’ll go get something to wipe that up.”

Veth’s gaze stuck on Caleb for a moment longer before she glanced to Yeza. 

“No- no honey I think you need to stay.” She said, and patted his arm. “I’d like you to stay.” Yeza gave a few small nods and set the jug aside before taking a seat next to Veth. They looked at each other for a moment and Veth gave brief smile, only for him, and Yeza took comfort in her strength. He cleared his throat and turned back to Caleb.

“Sorry, about that Caleb. I was just a little surprised.” He said. “That would be fantastic- is it really something you can do?”

Caleb shook his head slightly. 

“No, no. it’s not something I can do. At least not alone.” He said. He felt every nerve from the back of his neck, through his chest, and down to his hands tighten with anticipation. Veth laid her hands in her lap and narrowed her eyes, but didn’t interrupt him. “I have already discussed this with Essek, and he would be more than willing to help in the circle’s enchantment and construction. As a way to make amends for what happened to Yeza in Xhorhas.”

Veth looked to Yeza, who blinked a few times and took a long sip of water from Veth’s glass, placing his hand directly over her’s and pulling it along with the glass.

“What do you think honey?” She said. Yeza swallowed and blinked.

“I mean, I’m sorry, but who’s Essek again?” Yeza said. Caleb leaned back in the chair and sighed. This wasn’t going how he had expected, but at least Veth was giving him a chance to present his offer. 

“The Shadowhand to the leader of the Kryn Dynasty.” Veth said. “He was in charge of your capture and interrogation.”

“If he was one of those drow in Xhorhas, they all kind of blur together for me.” Yeza said. He took a pause and then turned to Veth. “It that racist?” 

Caleb smiled to himself a little, though he was quite sure he would never have trouble picking Essek out from a crowd. Still, he wasn’t entirely sure Yeza was understanding why Essek was offering to give a gift to the Brenattos at all.

“He’d like to apologize for the way you were treated back then.” Caleb explained. “He has become something of a friend.”

“Caleb is dating him.” Veth said, keeping eye contact with Caleb, who frowned a bit. “You are.” She said. Caleb blinked slowly at her, and looked back to Yeza. 

“Something like that.” Caleb said. “But I do believe his intentions are genuine. You are of course under no obligation to forgive him for anything he has been a part of.” Caleb looked to Veth, who kept a steely gaze. 

_Your people. Your people were doing experiments and trying to, trying to find out and harness the power of, of…_

Caleb’s stomach turned. She wouldn’t say those things again, even if now those words were proven to be more true than ever.

“I mean…” Yeza shrugged and looked from Veth to Caleb. “He was just doing his job, right-?” 

“It’s not about what he was doing.” Veth said. “It’s about what he wasn’t doing.” 

_What? It’s YOUR people. The people that YOU know and trained with. It’s YOUR people that have done this. To my people. And we have to find them both._

Caleb leaned back in the plush chair he was seated in. It was important that Yeza have the full picture, and Caleb was biased. Veth needed to be the one to explain it to him.

“Sweetie,” Veth said, placing her glass aside and laying a hand on Yeza’s. “We recently we found out that Essek was working with the Assembly and Less DeRogna.”

Yeza’s face visibly lost color at Lady DeRogna’s mention, and he glanced over his shoulder towards the slightly ajar door to Luc’s room. He eyes flitted from Caleb back to Veth.

“He already knew everything you were being interrogated for,” Veth said, “and let them go through with it anyway to save his own skin.” 

Yeza looked to Caleb, but kept his body trained towards Veth. Caleb leaned forward, bringing one hand up before Veth’s own bias bled through.

“It is possible that Essek did not know DeRogna was threatening you with Luc’s safety.”

“So what?” Veth shot back. “He wouldn’t have cared. What’s the life of one child to him? _”_

Caleb straightened up, but before he could get more words out, the space beside him wavered and undulated, and all three of them stared as Essek Theylss came into view.

He glanced around the room, face trained placid as it usually was.

“I believe I have heard enough.” He said, “And you are right. Had I have known your husband was being threatened, I wouldn’t have cared.” He flicked his wrist out to the side and a chair that matched Caleb’s screeched over. Essek sat, head high for a moment before deflating slightly and turning between Caleb, Yeza, and Veth. Caleb watched the tendons tense in Essek’s hands, where they sat neatly folded in his lap.

“I apologize for the deception.” Essek said. “Caleb had decided it would be better, should I not come, but I disagreed. I worried he would try and defend my actions when the responsibility to do so, or not, should solely fall to me.”

Veth fumed silently. Caleb’s stomach turned. He wished he was surprised. He wished Essek was wrong. Yeza cleared his throat, looking a little more sure of himself with Caleb and Veth both silent.

“Well, you’re here now.” Yeza looked from Caleb in his defeated position, to his wife, ready to kick both the wizards out. He looked back to Essek and held his gaze. 

“If it’s alright with both of you, I think it might be best if Essek and I talked a bit.” Yeza said. “Privately.” 

Essek smiled, and he rose to his feet. 

“I couldn’t agree more.” Essek said. Caleb looked him up and down. Essek was dressed comfortably, and his feet were on the ground. 

“Perfect. If you wouldn’t mind waiting in that room,” Yeza stood and pointed to the barely open door. “I’ll make us some tea.” Essek nodded.

“Thank you. That is incredibly hospitable of you.” 

He took a few steps away and gave Caleb a quick smile. Caleb returned it, weakly. He hadn’t felt this drained in months. Veth kept her eyes trained on Essek as he left the grand sitting room. Finally, for the first time in quite a while, Caleb and Veth were alone. How things had changed. Veth lifted her chin, looking Caleb up and down.

“…you really didn’t know he was here?” She said. Caleb looked at his hands. She thought _he_ had be in on it?

“No.” He looked at her, incredulous. “I begged him not to come.” 

Veth laughed, dryly.

“Oh so it’s that kind of relationship, am I right?” Her brows rose and she smirked so wide for a moment Caleb felt he was speaking with a goblin again. “You’re going to need some special handcuffs- don’t worry, I know a place.” 

Caleb smiled despite himself. If she was willing to tease then at least she wasn’t entirely resigned to her foul mood. 

“It’s not-“ He glanced to the side as Yeza walked from the kitchen to Luc’s room, carrying two cups of tea. As soon as he pushed the door open a suction cup tipped dart came flying out and hit Yeza square in the forehead. Tumultuous laughter filled the air. Caleb watched the tension leave Veth as she looked towards where her son’s voice carried. She looked back to Caleb and reached over for her water glass again.

“He’ll be ready for real bolts soon. Maybe it would be better to be back in Felderwin for that though. Less crowded.” Veth said, and took a sip before setting her glass down again and crossing her arms. 

“Well?” She said. “What do you have to say for yourself?” Caleb furrowed his brow.

“I’m not entirely sure what I’m apologizing for.” He said.

“For being just as stupid as me for thinking this was something they didn’t need to talk about on their own.” Veth gave a crooked smile. “You’re supposed to be the smart one!” 

Caleb felt himself relax when he saw the sympathy in the softness of her brow. It had been stupid. He smiled and let his eyes settle on the door to Luc’s room.

“Well, you know I don’t always see straight when it comes to him.” He said with a sigh. Veth’s smile grew wider again.

“I would hope not- you’re both men!” Veth said. “Hah!”

Caleb indulged in the sound of her laugh for a moment. He questioned why he had tried to keep his friends so distant when it came to Essek. Going it alone hadn’t served him in years, why go back to it now?

“What are you making that face for, come here.” Veth said and patted the space beside her. Caleb made his way over and plopped down on the gold trimmed couch. He took a moment to get a better look at the fountain. The sculpting was VERY detailed.

“Yeza is okay with this?” Caleb said. Veth glanced to the fountain.

“Oh. Yeah, we made a deal. I wanted the fountain, so I let him get this really weird collection of little porcelain elephants.“

“Ja, okay.” Caleb said, and finally let himself sink into the couch. “I am sorry. For all of this.”

“Don’t be, it’s not your fault.” Veth said. Smart one indeed.

“A year ago you told me my people were responsible for Yeza’s disappearance.” He said, looking up at her. She drummed her fingers against the upholstery.

“We know a lot more now than we did then.” Veth said. Caleb ran his hand over his face.

“Ja, we do.” He said. “We do.”

Veth stroked a stray bit of hair from Caleb’s face.

“He makes you happy?” She said. “You’d be absolutely miserable if you couldn’t have him?”

Caleb pressed his lips together and nodded slightly.

“Ja. I think so.” He said. Veth didn’t need to know how intricately he had weighted those feelings. Not now anyway. Maybe there would be a day when they would be marching up to Essek’s Evil stronghold to stop him from destroying the world. Caleb could tell her then. He let his face fall into a smile. He recalled Essek’s restrained joy, when all of a sudden, they both had admitted to care for each other. Veth’s smile wrinkled her nose and he pushed Caleb’s shoulder.

“You’re in _love._ ” She said sweetly. Caleb’s heart fluttered a little. 

“Maybe.” He admitted. He fiddled with the tassel of a pillow for a moment. “You were very mad at me.”

“I was.” Veth said. “I know my feelings aren’t always going to line up with what everyone in the group decides, but seeing you align yourself with someone who’s done what he’s done? Withoutsaying much of anything?” Veth paused a moment and Caleb nodded. He could try and explain that he hadn’t thought he could deal with the entire group telling him they disapproved. 

It didn’t seem worth it. Getting the last word wasn’t much if it meant upsetting a friend. Veth continued. 

“I felt like I had lost you, maybe I was a little jealous even, but even more than that I was worried you didn’t trust me anymore.”

“I will always trust you.” Caleb said, and reached out to touch her face. She smiled at him, and the aquamarine around her eyes sparkled.

“I know. And I know in reality I owe Essek a lot too. It’s just easy to feel forgotten when friends suddenly go off with other friends. Or start relationships.” She raised her brows dramatically. “Doesn’t help when it’s with _war criminals wanted by two different nations._ ” 

Caleb laughed, and pulled Veth close to kiss her forehead.

Finally, from the door to Luc’s room, Essek and Yeza emerged. Yeza scratched the back of his head.

“Sorry Caleb, I tried to get Luc to come out and say hi, but he wasn’t having it.” Yeza said. Caleb scooted to the side to make room for Yeza, and to his great surprise, Essek joined him on his left. They sat, four on the couch. Veth gave Yeza a quick kiss and Caleb gave Essek a glance, and was met with a relaxed smile. Caleb looked among the group.

“So.” Caleb said.

“Right. So, we talked it out for a very long time.” Yeza said and lifted a hand towards Essek. “Essek met Luc, and we uh, tried to figure out a way to move forward from all of this.” He said, turning to Veth for approval. 

“Make no mistake,” Essek said, “There are no illusions about my role in what befell your family. We decided to devise a way I could provide aid in keeping anything like that from happening in the future.”

“You are going to offer protection?” Caleb said.

“To an extent.” Essek said.

“Essek was telling me, there are wards and charms he can craft- we might even be able to make something together, he’s very smart.” Yeza said. Caleb beamed quietly and leaned his shoulder a little more into Essek, as lightly as he could. He felt a light touch on his thigh and saw Essek had moved his hand so one barely pressed into Caleb’s leg. It was brief, as Essek began to gesture. 

“I have some ideas of how to create a more permanent enchantment for Luc, something akin to how Jester and Caduceus are able to create divine fields that will harm anything that gets too close, but to be contained in a ring or perdant.” He looked to Caleb. “Of course, it will take some time.”

“Could you work on this spell together?” Veth said, idly scratching at her own chin. Caleb nodded.

“Ja, of course. I may need to speak with Jester about the intricacies of the spell-“

“You’ll be much better off trying to learn it from a book right?” Veth said. “No offense to Jester, I love her, but I get the feeling her spell casting is more intuitive than calculated.”

“I’m sure we will explore all possibilities when development begins.” Essek said. Caleb caught the slightest twitch in Essek’s cheek. It was well into the afternoon, and he was trying very hard not to yawn. It made Caleb smile a little. 

“Right.” Yeza said. The room sat in silence but for the babbling of the fountain. 

“So,” Caleb said. “We all good here?” Yeza nodded and looked between Essek, Veth, and Caleb.

“Yeah, I think so. We’ll be in touch to get things started.” Yeza said.

“So no teleportation circle to Felderwin for now?” Veth said.

“Dear, one person can only accomplish so many things.” Yeza said. Veth threw one arm out dramatically.

“What are you talking about ‘one person’, he’s got Caleb!” She said.

“Ah, even so it would be quite an endeavor to produce both in any reasonable amount of time.” Essek said. He raised a hand to his chest. “Apologies, Veth, for getting your hopes up.”

The group sat in comfortable silence for a moment longer before Essek stood. “Well, it is getting late. Again, Yeza, you have my sincerest apologies and thanks.” Essek said. But before Yeza or Caleb could stand, Veth spoke out.

“Hold it right there, buster.” She hopped up onto the coffee table to be at exact eye levelwith Essek. She furrowed her brow and held a finger to his face. “My boys might be happy with enchantments and spells, but I want something more.” She said. Essek blinked a few times and stood his ground.

“Very well.” Essek said, crossing his arms.“After all, have I ever not been generous in granting my friends favors?” Caleb could swear he saw Essek’s brow twitch. Veth glared at him a moment longer, leaned very close to his face, and then back off. She let her hands drop to her sides.

“Swear to me.” She said. “Swear to me you’ll never hurt Luc.” Caleb watched her face grow solemn and the beginnings of clear annoyance leave Essek’s brow. “Swear to me that if anything ever happens to me or Yeza, or the rest of the Mighty Nein, you’ll protect him, even if he’s not on your side. Even if he’s right in the middle of some tangle of lies.” Veth said. Caleb watched two of his dearest people, appraising each other. Essek nodded and Caleb head Yeza let out a breath.

“So be it.” Essek said. “I swear.”

Veth took a step forward and Essek’s arms twitched as she wrapped her arms around his shoulders in a hug. Caleb felt the weight of the afternoon lift from his shoulders as Essek gingerly lifted a hand to pat Veth on the back. 

Essek took a brief moment to disguise himself before joining Caleb on the nearby beach. Caleb looked out over the ocean, purposely leaving one hand clearly open at his side. He took some delight in hearing Essek’s footfalls approaching before feeling the cool press of his hand in his palm. Caleb set leisurely pace as they walked along the shore. As the sun began to fade, they drifted closer to the water. Caleb smiled when Essek yawned into his elbow, and Essek gave him a curious look.

“I don’t know if I’ve ever seen you tired.” Caleb said. Essek sighed, stretched, and looked out over the water.

“I usually don’t let you.” He said, and turned to face him with a smile. They meandered, moving up the beach to avoid piles of washed up kelp, stopping to examine an outcropping of rock covered in tide pools. Essek stepped deftly onto the slippery looking stone, and Caleb noticed Essek’s feet were no longer touching the ground. A moment later, he felt the inquisitive pull of benign magic at his body, and submitted to it. His feet rose off the ground and he allowed Essek to help him up and along the water worn stone. Caleb’s curiosity at someday learning Essek’s levitation trick was piqued, but he shelved that inquisition for now.

“I feel like I should apologize,” Caleb said, “for trying to negotiate with Veth and Yeza for you.” Essek hummed to himself and left Caleb bump into him slightly when he stopped. 

“You should. But I believe if anything the takeaway from today may be that I need to re-evaluate how I believed our friends place value in the world.” Essek said. A small wave dispersed in a spread of foam as the tide began to pull away from the shore.

“I am sorry, Essek.” Caleb said, and pushed gently on Esseks shoulder to turn him around. Even with the illusion, he still looked stunning against the ever lowering sun, and Caleb kissed him.

“Apology accepted.” Essek said, face a bit flushed as he turned back to face the sea. “I was a bit taken aback that Yeza was so quick to introduce the child.”

“Yeza is a very smart and accepting man. A loving father and husband.” Caleb said. 

“So it would seem. He seems to share Caduceus’s stance that ending feelings of resentment is an appropriate way to deal with the situation. He didn’t have any requests beyond my… trying to change. The gifts of enchantments and spells were my idea.” Essek paused, in thought for a moment. “Mine and Luc’s, I suppose.”

Caleb laughed and turned his face slightly to feel the breeze ruffle Essek’s hair. Caleb thought of all the resentment he personally bore towards the Cerberus Assembly, and it made his heart burn. He was quite sure, there were certain things he would never forgive.

“Perhaps he is right.” Caleb shrugged, noncommittal.

“You don’t agree?” Essek glanced back at him. Caleb rubbed his cheek against the side of Essek’s head.

“I don’t think anyone is wrong for letting go of hurt bestowed on them by others,” said Caleb, "but it feels a bit naive and presumptuous to think it should be the standard for everybody.” Essek took a breath of the ocean breeze and Caleb felt him sigh.

“Well, it certainly make things easier for me.” Essek said. Caleb leaned his head forward to speak right by Essek’s ear.

“I’m not exactly sure what you mean.”

Essek though for a moment, watching the last hues of orange and red fade to deep blue, but appreciating none of it.

“Consider just the difference depending on the length of a life.” Essek finally said. “Veth has asked that I protect her son, presumably for as long as he is naturally alive. But compared to the average length of a drow life? I could potentially be watching over her entire _bloodline_ , rather than a single generation.”

“Even more so, seeing as you are consecuted.”

“Exactly.” Essek turned his face slightly to smile at Caleb. “You are so very clever.” Essek brushed their cheeks together briefly before turning to guide Caleb off of the rocks. Caleb chewed his lipas they wandered back towards the city.

“You do understand why Luc is so precious to his parents?” Caleb said. Essek considered his answer for a while before he gave it. 

“For a while I’ll admit that I didn’t. I had planned on going through with all of the promises even if I never did. But Yeza was able to surprise me. He asked what or who I held most precious in the world, and how I would react if what I held dear was threatened. It’s a very simple empathetic exercise.” Essek said. He was quiet for a moment, and Caleb felt a tug at his hand. Essek had stopped. “I don’t know if a year ago I would be able to understand caring for people the way I care about knowledge and magic.”

Caleb smiled, holding his hand, but letting Essek determine the distance. Then there was a tug. And another, and Caleb closed the gap to let Essek gingerly place his arms under his own. Caleb was slow, and watched Essek’s face carefully as he settled his arms around Essek’s shoulders. Essek kept his eyes down, but all the while leaned his chin up towards Caleb to catch him in a chaste kiss. Caleb could feel Essek pushing back against his arms, not trying to break his grasp, but clearly leaving room to get away if we wanted to. And then the weight lightened, and he felt Essek’s lips part as they moved across his own. Caleb quickly wet his lips and brought a hand up to Essek’s cheek. You can go, but please stay. 

Essek’s arms tightened around him, and Caleb kissed him carefully- doing what he hoped would be pleasant without being too much. Not that he could complain. He wondered- did Essek know that as far as kissing went, he was already significantly above the average…?

Essek would want to know that. Caleb pulled away briefly, savoring the brush of of his fingers on Essek’s skin.

“You are very good at this, you know?” Caleb said.

Essek’s eye blinked wide, and a grin spread across his face to stifle the laugh behind it. He whispered against Caleb’s lips.

“Prodigy.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love Sam but God I had whiplash from Veth's "Welcome to the Mighty Nine" to "Right. And then punish Essek."
> 
> Love me 1(one) neutral evil lad
> 
> Fingers crossed the cast and crew stay safe and healthy!


	3. 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Essek enlists Jester to aid in the development of Luc's guardian spell. The conversation quickly leaves that topic.
> 
> Caleb and Essek further navigate the physical side of their relationship.
> 
> Snuggly Wizards.

Jester arrived at Essek’s house in the late morning, and she managed to participate in a full hour of silent reading before her mind began to wonder. 

“Hey Essek?” She said. Essek looked up from the series of runes he was transcribing. Well, it couldn’t last forever. Perhaps her inquiry would at least be on topic.

“Yes?” Essek said. He continued to transcribe, but listened. 

“When did you say Caleb was going to get here?”

“Probably another hour.” Essek said, and considered Jester’s nature.“You could probably ask him.” 

“Good idea!” She sat up from where she had sprawled out on the floor, closed her eyes, and clapped her hands together in concentration. Essek smiled and shook his head a bit. He liked Jester. She was certainly different from anyone he had ever met. 

“Hey Caleb, it’s Jester. When are you coming to Essek’s house? He says he loves you soooo much.” She said with a grin. Essek glanced up but said nothing. He would have berated her for such an addition no more than a month ago, but things certainly were different now. Jester counted on her fingers.

“…. See’ya soon! Do you think that counts? He’ll probably know what I meant.” Jester said.

It was a little difficult to focus back on the runes after that. Jester fidgeted while she waited, flipping through pages in the book she had been until recently, reading. Suddenly, she sat up straighter. A smile nearly split her face. 

“He says he’s heading to the Marble Tomes now and will be here in 40 minutes.” She said, and then gave a little wiggle in her shoulders. “And he said he loves you too.”

Essek felt a light tingle along his skin, felt his face get a little warm, and he doubled down rereading the same line he had just copied three times. Jester crawled closer to where he sat. 

“Hey, Essek?” She said, quieter than he would typically expect. 

“Ah, yes?”

“I’m really happy for you both.” She said, and Essek’s heart beat unusually hard in his chest. It was strange to be confronted with: not only did he have multiple friends willing to give him another chance, but some even approved of his relationship with Caleb. 

That meant even more people who would be disappointed if he strayed from this new path. He felt a little cold, considering that he might someday find it necessary. Still, in the moment, he smiled. 

“Thank you, Jester.” He said. “I feel like it would be disingenuous of me not to say I’m uncertain if your faith in me is justified.” He said. Caleb had weighed the risks of investing in him carefully, swore he was worse off not taking the chance. But was Jester? Veth? 

Jester pondered for a moment. 

“I don’t know if all faith has to be justified.” She said. Essek looked at her curiously. “I mean, I get my powers from The Traveller, right? But even now that I know he’s not really a God-God, I still believe in all the lessons he taught me and what following him represents.” She said. Essek halted the argument that bubbled up in him. He molded it from condescending into something constructive.

“You view faith as something that can exist independent of the individual who inspired it?” He said. 

“Yeah.” She said. “And sometimes having faith that someone is as good as you know they can be, it makes it a little easier for it to be true.”

“It also puts you at a significant loss if you’re wrong.” He said. 

“Well, then its a good thing I’m not wrong about you.” She said. Essek stared at her, and she stared back, pumped her brows a few times. How exactly was he supposed to respond to that.

“I suppose we’ll see. Hm?” He said, and turned back to his book. 

Jester was quiet for maybe 5 seconds.

“When did you know?” Jester said. 

“Jester, I’m trying to read.” 

“Last question I _swear._ ”

Have a little faith, he supposed. He closed the book and set it aside.

“Fine. Know what?”

“That you were in love.” She laid her head on her arms and looked up at him dreamily. His mouth felt dry and he coughed. This was Jester. And he did want to be her friend. He took a moment to breathe, trying to think of how to answer. He was surprised he even _wanted_ to answer.

“…I suppose it was when you all appeared at the _Wind of Aeons_.” He said, thinking back to the utter terror that had bloomed in him that day. The unsteady peace he found came late that night, believing that he might be content again, one day, were he to loose them. But not Caleb. It would be deeply wounding, to loose Caleb.

“Woah that was really recently.” Jester said. “ I would have thought it was like, when you first started teaching him spells or something.” Essek laughed at that. Rather the romantic.

“I’m afraid I don’t subscribe to the notion of becoming infatuated at first sight.”

“But it’s kind of weird right?” Jester said. Somehow, the conversation had kept going. “Like I feel like that’s all you hear about where people are like ‘oh I saw her and the way the light was in her hair…’. You know?” 

Curious.

“In stories and books perhaps.” Essek said. “Maybe physical attraction for some people, but I’ve never been able to relate.”

“Oh.” Jester said.

“It’s not that I don’t have opinions on such things-“

“Essek,”Jester put a hand on his arm, bounced up to her knees. “which do you like better? Boys? Or-

“If you would let me finish.” He patted her hand lightly and she sat back down. That was better. If she wanted answers he would give them on his terms. “You are asking quite a lot of questions.”

“Well, not everyone will give me real answers.” She said, frowning. Essek sighed. He could understand that. Jester’s vivacity towards conversation could be intimidating ,irritating. He was sure he’d given her dismissive answers in the past.

“But right now,” She said, “I don’t think you’re lying.” Essek’s back prickled a bit. She wasn’t wrong.

“It’s not that I don’t notice if someone is.. striking or fashionable.” He said, looking up towards the ceiling, trying to find the right words in common. “But I’ve never wanted to…become intimate with someone based solely on their looks, or a first interaction.”

“Oh.” Jester said. “So before, when you were flirting with Caleb, that was just spy stuff for the Bright Queen?”

“Not only for the Bright Queen.” Essek said. “I’ve always admired Caleb’s interest in knowledge and the arcane arts.” Essek watched Jester nod eagerly. “But it also served me to get closer to all of you, though becoming friends and later…” It struck him he didn’t quite know what label suited him and Caleb. Boyfriends? Partners?

“ _Lovers?”_ Jester wiggled. Essek felt a mild flush come to his face. A rather loaded word, that one. 

“That… certainly is a word.” He managed. Jester leaned on her arms again, seemed contemplative.

“Can I tell you something?”

“I suppose.” He said, and folded his hands. Jester ran a finger along the seam of a couch cushion.

“I.. don’t think I’ve ever seen anyone fall in love.” She said. She laid her cheek on her arm, so low, that her eyelashes were bent.

“Is that really so important?” Essek said. It seemed rather silly. Any real love must happen over time, not in a moment. Infatuation, lust, maybe, could be seen in an instant.

“How are you supposed to recognize something if you don’t know what it looks like?” She said.  
“Do you not love your friends?” Essek said.

“Of course I love my friends.”

“Right from the start?” Essek pressed her. “Immediately, you knew the future bond you would share?”

“Well, I mean, no, I liked them, but they were strangers at first…with Fjord I guess I did sort of right away get a crush on him.”She said. Essek chuckled.  
“Is a paltry interest in playing out romantic fantasies the same as love?” Essek said. Jester though for several seconds.

“I guess not.”She said. Then she nearly pounced forward, placing her hands right on his knees and leaning _far_ too much into his space. “But whatabout in stories and books and stuff? And Yasha once told me- she liked her wife so much that’s why they got married!” Essek was trapped between her and an armrest, bent back at an increasingly uncomfortable angle. He cleared his throat, and Jester quickly backed off. Before the string of apologies could start, he put a hand out to stop her, and thought fast. Why was she so adamant about this?

“Jester, you are aware of the vast degrees of differences between fiction and reality?”

“I mean of course I am! It’s just that’s how everyone say’s it’s supposed to be!” Jester said.

Essek gave her a moment to catch her breath. 

“Jester,” He said, folding his hands. “is there a reason you’re so concerned with ‘love at first sight’?” Jester groaned and flopped over backwards. 

“I just feel like-“ Jester began. “I don’t know. Like, is there something _wrong_ with me? Everybody makes it seem like having a relationship is just something you just _know_ when it should happen. Beau even _told_ me once that everyone had crushes on me, but…” She sat up, slumped. It wasn’t an appealing look for her, but Essek felt himself beginning to understand. It was familiar. Not quite the same, but familiar. 

“I don’t know if I’m doing something wrong.” She said. 

“I’m fairly certain you’re not doing anything wrong.” He said, and she gave a small smile.

“Really?”

“It’s not uncommon, to not know.” Essek said. “Emotions can be… extremely complicated. Anyone who understands others innately is either a politician or a priest.”

“Or a spy.” Jester said. Essek gave her a look. She gave a gentle pat on his arm. “Or a really good friend.” 

“Jester, no one _knows_ when is the right time to act on attraction or love.” He said. “If there was one set way to find kinship with whomever you choose…” He thought a moment. It wouldn’t be bad, really. Not if it made everyone happy. Jester squeezed his arm.

“Would you say that trying to get in a relationship or trying to be normal is ‘absolute fucking chaos’?”

Essek laughed. 

“That is one way you could put it.”

Jester smiled, released him, seemed to be soaking everything in. 

“So you didn’t know, when you realized you loved Caleb, that everything would be okay?” She said.

Essek sighed. Would things ever be as simple as ‘okay’?

“I have not been so terrified but a few times in my life.” He said. “I don’t know if I would have acted on it, had he not insisted.”

“He really cares about you.” Jester said. Essek smiled, shook his head. Maybe if he heard it a million more times, it would stop seeming like the fantasy of a fool.

“He is…” Essek began. “Well. He is certainly something.”

Caleb returned to find the reading nook empty, so he proceeded up the the lab. There he found Jester surrounded by her pink unicorn-hamsters, and Essek, provoking the creatures. The sheer number and speed of spiritual

guardians prevented him from dodging effectively, but he didn’t seem particularly concerned with not being hit at all. Rather, he was merely firing off magic missiles and backing in and out of the space while Jester watched. 

“Hiii Caleb!” Jester sing-songed, keeping her focus on the spell without breaking. Essek backed out of the pink swarm and combed his hair back into place.

“You’ve returned.” He said. “We have been determining the mechanics of how Jester’s guardians are triggered to attack.” He smoothed the sleeves of his tunic, which had become rather roughed up but the many tiny horn attacks. 

“What have you learned so far?” Caleb asked. 

“The caster can dictate to the guardians who is an ally, which of course is useful for sharing the protection with others.” Essek gestured for Caleb to walk into the spell’s radius, as he had done many times. The hamsters paid him no mind. 

“What I am hoping to…” Essek paused, eyes darting back and forth over the ceiling. Caleb smiled. Finding the right words in common was a chore they could share.

“…Suss out,” Essek said, “is if that designation can be changed should an ally become hostile.” Essek stepped to his desk to write something down. 

“Caleb, try and attack me.” Jester said.

“Oh. Uh, no, thanks.” Caleb said. He looked over to where Essek was standing, still hunched over taking notes. Jester glanced towards Caleb to give a sympathetic smile, but the spell began to waver. She renewed her focus with a breath. Caleb watched a drop of sweat slide from the base of her horn down her cheek. 

“How long have you had this up?” Caleb asked.

“Nine minutes, 30 seconds.” Essek said, and Caleb saw a small hourglass, nearly empty, on the desk. Essek turned to observe them. “Jester, can you tell the guardians Caleb is hostile?”

As quickly as she heard it, troves of tiny horns came barreling awards Caleb and he threw up a shield. His limbs felt heavy and his feet weighted to the ground by the sheer pressure the hamsters exerted.

“Excellent. Good. You can drop the spell.” Essek said, turning back to add to his notes. Jester broke her focus with a PWAH! And hunched with her hands on her hips.

“MAN!” She panted and wiped her brow. “I don’t know if we’ve ever been in a fight where I had to have that up for ten minutes.”

“That was very impressive you were able to maintain focus throughout that.” Caleb told Jester. She smiled. 

“Aw, thanks Caleb.” She said. Caleb returned it, and for the briefest of moments felt his heart beat a little fast. He walked towards the desk. Those feelings would wane, he hoped, or perhaps become less distracting over time. He would have never allowed it to happen, he reminded himself. And besides… he had Essek. Caleb laid his hand gently on Essek’s back and looked over his shoulder. 

“It’s a start.” Essek said. His handwriting was elegant and perfectly spaced, as though it had been stamped out by machine. “I think the next step will be seeing if we, as non-religious types, can create a ritual to cast it, and then adjust the spell’s effect from there.” He set the newest page aside to dry and turned to face Jester. 

“Thank you, Jester. You were a great help today.” He smiled. Jester beamed, and Caleb thought himself very lucky to have two of his favorite people working together as friends.

“Of course!” She said. “Anytime you need it!” Jester hefted her bag onto her back and adjusted it.

“Oh, you are leaving?” Caleb said. 

“Yeah, I mean we already got a LOT done.” She gave a knowing look to Essek. Caleb watched Essek smile.

“Ja, okay.” Caleb said, and began unpacking the stack of books he had literally just picked up. “See you at home.”

Jester skipped out the room and Caleb listened to her footfalls until he heard the front door slam. Essek leaned back on his desk. 

“Was there anything you found that you wanted to discuss?” Essek said. Caleb had found loads, but his mind was more piqued on what Essek and Jester had already done. 

“Ja, a few theories on how to create a ‘thinking’ defense mechanism.” Caleb picked up one of the books, put it back down. “What exactly did you and Jester do?” Essek raised a brow.

“Why, are you jealous?” Essek said with a bit of a grin. Caleb walked over and placed a hand on each side of him, on the desk. 

“Should I be?” Caleb said, and Essek leaned forward and kissed him. Every time, it was like being shocked full of adrenaline anew. 

“No, but I think you might be a bit proud of me.” Essek said, and slipped out of Caleb’s grasp. He picked up each new book in turn and glanced over it. “Jester’s focus before the actual spell work wasn’t much, but I suppose we… bonded over certain things.”

“Are you developing a sweet tooth?” Caleb said, and took a seat in the desk chair. Essek laughed. 

“Not quite.” He began shelving the books. “We are… not so different, in terms of romantic sensibilities I think. Similarly lost and overwhelmed.”

“I don’t know if I would say that, but I don’t believe Jester has had much…” He thought, remembering all the teasing Jester endured from Nott. “…experience. It is difficult, I think, having no other examples than smut and fairy tales.”

“As someone who had plenty of examples to follow, I’m not sure it makes much of a difference.” Essek made for the door and Caleb followed. “I believe Jester is realizing that her expectations of love and relationships are far flung from reality. I had a similar experience when I realized my lack of feelings towards other people didn’t make me broken or strange.”

Caleb felt a brief wave of panic, though what Essek was saying was no way untrue. He does care for you, he reminded himself. He is talking about people that are not you. Still, it was new for Caleb as well. With Astrid, things had much more easily become heated, and though he was no longer a teenager, Caleb found himself longing for some indication if things would ever be that way with Essek. Even if it never did, that would also be fine, but it was alarming to simply not know.

It was only then, he realized Essek had let him to his bedroom. Essek gave a flick of his wrist, and the door shut behind them. Caleb felt the anticipation bubbling through his veins. Essek turned to face him, ran his hands from Caleb’s shoulders down to his fingers, which he held lightly. Caleb swallowed.

“It has crossed my mind that we haven’t spoken about… becoming more intimate in a little while.” Essek said, a little quietly. Caleb’s heart pounded in his chest. Don’t fuck it up don’t fuck it up don’t fuck it up. 

“Ja- I had figured you would bring it up again when you are ready.” Caleb said. He could hear his voice waver and shake. Essek looked at him curiously.

“Are you nervous?” He said and gave a smile. Caleb took Essek’s hands more properly and gave them a squeeze. 

“I-I am, I think.” Caleb said. Essek watched him, ran his thumb over Caleb’s. Caleb took a deep breath. “The thought of doing something that would make you uncomfortable or… I don’t know. Doing something that might prevent you from experiencing desire in the future is a little daunting.” Caleb said. Essek frowned. 

“I didn’t mean to imply” Caleb quickly added, ”- it’s just…” He thought for long moment. How was he going to explain his anxiety without making Essek think he was blaming him? 

“I suppose I just want things to be perfect, but I know that the first few times they probably won’t be.”Caleb fiddled at Essek’s fingertips, under his careful observation. “I don’t want to pressure you into doing more than you are comfortable with, but I also know it is unrealistic to think everything will immediately…click.”

“I do not have an expectation that learning each other’s bodies will be fast or easy.” Essek said, leaning into Caleb’s eye-line, and just that was a wave of relief. 

“Okay, that is good.” Caleb said.

“Perhaps I represented my feelings towards the topic poorly.”

“There was a lot going on at the time. And I meant what I said then- I am here to be with you, whatever that entails physically or not.”

Essek smiled to himself. Hearing that still seemed to make him happy, because he leaned up and kissed Caleb again, this time with a little more insistence. Essek brought his hands to Caleb’s chest, pushing gently while staying perfectly in step as Caleb moved back towards Essek’s bed. Caleb bumped the edge of the mattress. He carefully brought his hands to Essek’s face, and took a chance on pushing back into the kiss. Essek met him with maintained enthusiasm. His hands slid from Caleb’s chest around to his bottom where they gave a quick squeeze. Essek smiled against him.

“This is okay?” Essek said.

“Ja, more than okay.” Caleb said.

“What do you like?” Essek said, and nuzzled against Caleb’s neck. Caleb felt his throat move against Essek’s cheek and he brought his hands to Essek’s back, holding him gently in place. 

“Everything so far is good. Ah.” Caleb took a sharp inhale when Essek gave his rear another squeeze and gave a soft kiss against his neck. “Ja, that’s good too. Maybe, you could even be,little rougher?” Caleb’s heart pounded in his chest. He had thought about it before, probably ever since he noticed Essek’s bright, arrogant smile. There had been nights he had gripped at his own shoulders, imagining his nails were teeth. Essek’s mouth moved easily over his skin, transitioning from kissing to biting to nipping. Caleb knew he was well on the way to an erection if this kept up. Still he felt helpless to Essek’s affection. Essek took a half step, pressing himself to Caleb from hip to thigh. Caleb let out a shaky breath.

“You are- I may- I think I will get excited, if this continues.” Caleb said. Essek hummed against his neck, then let a soft breath out on his ear. 

“That was, to an extent, my goal.” Essek said, “Unless you’d like to stop.”

“Nein, nein, this is good.” He said, and Essek gave a light shove so Caleb was sitting on the bed. This could be it- he couldn’t be sure how far Essek would go- though it felt too soon to expect anything close to sex. Caleb wasn’t sure he was quite ready to go that far yet, but the longer Essek was kissing and touching him, the more it felt like he might be unable to say no.

“Just maybe, one moment to clarify somethings.” Caleb said, and Essek stopped where he was about to return to Caleb’s neck, and came face to face with him. Caleb swallowed.Essek was smiling, eyes relaxed and his breath was warm. 

“This is all, great, and lovely,” Caleb said, “but I am unsure if it is okay to touch you back?” 

Essek pressed his lips to a thin line. His eyes darted about and settled on Caleb’s hands. 

“I think, for now, anywhere outside of the crotch.” He looked back at Caleb. Essek worried his lower lip. “And I would prefer to stay at your side, or on top, if you don’t mind.” 

“Would you prefer I don’t touch?” Caleb asked. It felt selfish, to only receive.

“No,” Essek murmured, leaning forward for another kiss. “I think I would like you to touch me back.” Caleb felt warmth spread through his chest as their lips met again. Something about Essek _wanting_ him, it felt so very special. For all the subterfuge and mistrust he knew he needed to expect, this felt like a very precious privilege to have. He placed his hands on Essek’s hips, and pulled him forward as Caleb leaned back on the bed. Essek climbed on top of him willingly, caging him in with hands and knees, which Caleb found he quite liked. While Essek returned to bruising up Caleb’s neck, Caleb took his time, adjusting one leg so his thigh was pressed against Essek’s. He ran his hands over the lines of Essek’s shoulder blades moving under the texture of his shirt. Essek reared back a moment, gave a tug at the fabric and pulled it free of the sash at his waist. Then he returned to Caleb’s lips. Caleb moved his hands to Essek’s front, carefully lifting his shirt and pressing his fingertips into the soft skin covering Essek’s ribs. Essek’s torso immediately twitched back. He swore in undercommon.

“How are _your_ hands _cold_?” Essek said. Caleb laughed. 

“I could warm them up, if it matters that much.” He grinned up at Essek, whose cheeks had begun to flush a little darker.

“No,” Essek muttered, and took his hands to tug the hem of Caleb’s shirt from his pants. “it’s, not bad, just a bit of surprise.” He ran his hands up Caleb’s bare chest, seeming to marvel a bit at the scattering of moles and red hair. He trailed over it several times, threading his fingers through. Caleb placed his hands flat on Essek’s sides, and Essek twitched again, but didn’t pull away. Caleb moved further up towards his chest, lean and smooth under his hands. Essek sat back on his heels, giving Caleb room to sit up while his hands gradually lifted Essek’s shirt. Essek simply grabbed it and pulled it off at that point, hesitated a moment, and with Caleb’s shirt did the same. Caleb leaned in close, running his fingers and palm over one nipple, and for a blessed moment Essek just rested his head against Caleb’s shoulder and took a quick breath. Caleb turned and kissed his cheek. Essek’s eyes were tending towards shut. 

“Is that a good spot?” Caleb asked, brushing over Essek’s nipple again. Essek nodded quickly, seemingly determined not to make eye contact for the moment and just leaning into Caleb. Caleb brought his lips to Essek’s neck, envisioning the hight of his collar, where the mantle would cover. All the while he pinched and pulled at Essek, and listened to him breathing against him. 

Caleb played with him, for a while, and then felt himself begging to ebb into more of desire to sooth rather than excite. He turned to bring Essek back into a kiss, holding him chest to chest as they flopped over. Essek’s fingers gripped into Caleb’s chest hair in a light pull, which was _quite_ sensitive, and Caleb hummed a questioning tone. Essek moved to Caleb’s cheeks instead, pressing his thumbs over Caleb’s cheekbones while Caleb’s tongue ran along his.

The warmth of where skin touched skin seemed to spread over Caleb’s entire body, and the more pliant Essek became in his arms, the bigger his heart seemed to swell. Their kissing faded into just lying and watching each other, trailing fingers along spaces they’d never seen before. Essek brought one arm around Caleb’s back and began to fiddle with the end of his ponytail. Essek sighed contentedly.

“I quite like your hair.” Essek said.

“I grew it myself.” Called said

Essek scrunched up his face with amusement and gave a quick tug before cuddling closer into the crook of Caleb’s arm. How badly Caleb wanted to spend the rest of the day there, warm and peaceful in Essek’s arms. He pressed a kiss to Essek’s head, breathed deeply through Essek’s hair.

“I love you.” Caleb said. Essek smiled against Caleb’s skin, and hooked a leg over his. 

“I… me too.” Essek said. Essek’s eyelashes grazed across Caleb’s skin as he blinked.

“I know you eventually have to go,” Essek said, “but could we stay like this, just a little longer?”

“Ja.” Caleb hugged him tighter, feeling Essek’s heart beating against his own like a little flame. “Little longer.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> is he... you know. Your narrative foil?
> 
> Who else watched Matt and Marisha nearly Caleb their house?


	4. 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Beau and Fjord hang out and commiserate. Essek explores his budding interests.
> 
> We bumpin up to Explicit this chapter folks, take it sleezy.

Beauregard felt sweat drip from her hairline down the side of her face. She leaned back in the hot tub, arms draped over the edge, one hand holding a glass of whatever alcohol had been in the pantry. She heard the door from the kitchen shut, the sound of bare feet on the floor. She opened one eye. 

“Hey.” Fjord said. 

“Sup.” Beau said, and took a sip of her drink. Oof. With that burn though, drink might be generous.

“Are you _drinking_?” Fjord said. Beau rolled her eyes at the lilt in his voice. “ _In_ the hot tub?”

She pulled her elbows back into the water. She thought about joking, but maybe it would help to talk to Fjord.

“Been that kinda day.”She said. She let herself slide a little lower so the water lapped at her chin.

“Really? Are you….” Fjord coughed “decent?”

Beau tipped her head towards him, smiled, and cocked a brow. “If I say no will you still come in?”

“Well, I uh..” Fjord cleared his throat. “I wouldn’t want to disrespect your….your…”

Bean raised a brow. They were well past that, she thought. Fjord sighed.  
“Yes alright I’m getting in.”

Beau made room next to the ladder, respectfully shielding her chest for that moment. Once Fjord was comfortably settled, Beau sat up straighter and took another swig from her glass. Fjord went grey, and quickly turned his back.Beau rolled her eyes, but turned out of impatient pity so only her back was visible to Fjord.

“….So.” Fjord said, looking up at the tree’s roots. “how are….. you… doing?”

Beau looked back over her shoulder, waited for Fjord to do the same. When they made eye contact, she brought her glass to her lips, and drank, and drank, and drank. Fjord nodded, pressed his mouth into a line.

“Yeah. Okay. Should have been expecting that.” He said, turning back to face the wall. “It’s to do with with- Caleb and Essek?”

Beau swirled her drink. 

“Y’know how bad I wish it was just Essek?” She said, and turned away. This sucked. They were a team- a _family_. And she wasn’t even worried Caleb might leave the group for Essek- he wouldn’t. It was that it felt like Caleb didn’t care what she thought at all.

“Oh. Has Caleb said something to you?” Fjord said. Beau sighed.

“He talked to me about it, back on the _Ball Eater._ ” She said, and thought back to how Caleb had folded in on himself. Fjord waited.

“What did.. he say?” Fjord said. He looked over his shoulder, Beau did the same, and then abruptly shifted to facing him.

“Man, I don’t wanna talk to your back.” She said, and sent a small bow wave lapping up to him. 

“No-no! I can’t- this is fine!” Fjord said, turning back to the wall. Looking at the roots, looking at the roots, thinking about the Wildmother… 

“Did something happen between you and him?” Fjord said, starting to sweat far too quickly for it to be only from the hot tub.

Beau looked down, though the settling water. Her features slowly came back into view, and she pulled one knee up to her chest. 

“I asked him about it.” Beau said. “I told him I thought is was a bad idea and he just… asked me to…. Look out for him.” Beau furrowed her brow. “How the fuck am I supposed to look out for him when he won’t listen to goddamn thing I have to say?” She let her arm plop into the water. Fjord chewed at his lip, or at least Beau assumed he did, because his fucking back was still towards her.

“I think-“ Fjord began.

“Fjord I swear to God-“ Beau said.

“Alright, fine, fine.” Fjord said, and turned front ways, keeping his eyes well above Beauregard. “I think I understand- I agree with you, Caleb getting closer to Essek does complicate things.” He said, and then frowned and shifted his seat. “I don’t think it’s wise for any of us to trust him, Essek, but at the same time I think it might be safer to have him closer rather than out of sight.”

“Man,” Beau’s hand burst from the water to gesture. “I’m not even on _safety_ right now, I’m on _our friend,_ knowingly waiting to get his heart broken!”She said, and slowly slipped deeper into the pool. She looked at her drink, and dumped it over the side. It wasn’t helping anyway. “I feel like a fucking mom worrying about her kid going off with the bad kid at school.”

Fjord ground his teeth. He looked her in the eye, fucking _finally._

_“_ You think Essek is just playing him?”

“You don’t think it’s suspicious?”

_“_ It certainly doesn’t make me feel good about it considering Caleb’s… Essek’s, history with the Assembly.” Fjord said. “But….Caleb is a grown man. They both are, and they’re our friends.”

“Grown men aren’t exempt from making mistakes.” Beau said. 

“Trust me, I know.” Fjord said. “But I guess what I’m trying to say is we shouldn’t assume Caleb hasn’t thought about the same things we have.”

Beau opened her mouth, but Fjord put up a hand.

“I just don’t know if it’s our place to tell him what’s best for him.” Fjord said, and Beau shut up. “We’re his friends-“ Fjord began.

“We’re his _family._ ”

“Fine, family. But family or friends, how would you feel if everyone important to you started questioning your very personal decisions?”

Beau leaned forward, looked at Fjord sidelong. “I asked Essek how he felt when the Taskhandwas getting handed over to the Empire in chains. He said he felt _free_. No remorse that someone else is suffering instead of him. And it makes me sick to think I’m letting someone like that get close to Caleb.”

Fjord had to sit back to ponder that. He flicked the surface of the water with a finger.

“That… doesn’t make me feel great either.” Fjord said, thinking. “Wasn’t that the guy who was working with the Angel of Irons?”

“Awfully convenient, right?” Beau said. Fjord looked incredulous.

“Are you being serious? Tharizdun? And Essek?” Fjord said. Beau spread her arms wide.

“I don’t know man! Not really?” Beau said. Fjord frowned. “I guess it makes it a little better that at least the guy who got in trouble was also dirty?”

Fjord looked down in the water in front of himself, thinking. Beau liked it when Fjord took time to think. She wasn’t sure he always paid the most attention when things weren’t immediately relevant to him. He was always there in a pinch, it just might be nice if he would see a pinch coming once in a while.

“When I talked to him- the taskhand- in the prison,” Fjord said. “He didn’t seem like he had been aware of what he was doing…” He looked up at Beau. “I’m a bit worried he was in the same position as Yasha.”

Beau frowned, nodded at Fjord. 

“And with what we know now, his confessing to stealing the beacon implicates fuck-all. Fat lot of good it’s going to do us now that the Empire’s got him.”  
Fjord seemed to have an epiphany.

“Would the Cobalt Soul have access to him?”

Beau leaned an elbow on her knee.

“Maybe not immediately, but they’re probably keeping an eye on things.” She said, and looked Fjord in the eye. She’d had thoughts about how the Soul might be the answer in all of this.

“I’ve been thinking…I wanna take Essek to them. See if they can use him to get at the Assembly.”

Fjord, brought a hand to his chin, rubbed at the carefully trimmed beard he kept there.

“That could work, though it would be incredibly dangerous.”

“I don’t think someone who would let two nations burn so he could study quietly really deserves anything less than dangerous.”

“I can’t say I think you’re wrong… I don’t know. This mind control, subterfuge, I don’t like it one bit. I was ready to cut Yasha down before I saw that she was innocent, I’m just worried we’re going to do something drastic and then learn something that makes us regret it.” Fjord said. 

“I don’t think we can ever know for sure.” She thought of what Dairon might say. “But everything I’ve seen? Everything I’ve learned? If I can’t trust that, what else have I got?”

“You know Caleb would go with him.” Fjord said.

Beau sighed.

“Caleb’s sights have been set on the Assembly since the beginning. And it’s not like we wouldn’t be going too.”

“You’re damn right about that.” Fjord said. They sat in silence for a bit. Well, now they sort of had a plan- a clear path to take after sitting in limbo for over a month. They just needed everyone to go along with it.Beau should have been satisfied, relieved. Instead she stood up, screaming.

“GAH I’m just so ANGRY I can’t be HAPPY for CALEB.” She fell back into the water, sending a good amount slashing up over the sides. Fjord’s eyes went wide and he jerked his head to look away. Beau started to splash water towards him, sending it spraying up over the sides.

“Ah, yes, it is rather frustrating.” Fjord said, continuing to turn around.

“FJORD LOOK AT ME.” Beau yelled.

“No, thank you, quite all right here.” Fjord said. Beau began to punch the water.

“I was so EXCITED he might get to have something NICE for a change. But noooo- he just had to be a FUCKING WAR CRIMINAL!”

“Beau, you’re splashing all of the water out.”

“Then refill it! We didn’t go to two fucking temples of U’katoa for you to _not_ refill the hot tub!” Beau splashed back down in her seat slumped, hair falling from her soaked bun into her face.

“U’katoaaaaaaaa.” She echoed herself.

It had been sitting in a drawer for years. It had been recommended, by what Essek supposed had been a well meaning partner. It was on the smaller side, safely flared out at the base, with a slight curve. 

But now as he sat in his bed, staring at it on his bedside table, he laid back with a frustrated sigh. It was no good to be frustrated though, that would just make him tense. Why was he doing this again? He lay with his shirt open, pants untucked and tugged down.

He gave his nipple a squeeze and tried to breath evenly. Just think of Caleb. He wished Caleb was there. He didn’t think it would help, not really, but he’d found recently that being without Caleb was causing him a mild amount of stress. What would he say if he was here?

’We don’t need to have sex, I am overjoyed just to spend time with you.’ He would say.

_But I want to._ Essek thought.

It wasn’t Caleb that was pressuring him into exploring his body. Essek wanted to, finally, _knew_ he wanted to, but that didn’t make it any less intimidating. He smirked, ran a hand over his face. He could deceive the highest ranking officials in the Bright Queen’s court, trick his friends, and make beneficial deals with people as selfish as he was, but he couldn’t bring himself to stick a dildo up his own ass. 

He sat up again, took his wavering erection in hand and tried to imagine Caleb was touching him. The rush of excitement was at odds with the cold spike of fear that he might not like what Caleb could give him. He kept masturbating. Flopped over on his back and gave another shaky sigh.

The bath beforehand had been nice. Being enveloped in warmth and carefully prodding himself with a finger had felt strange, but in a fascinating way. His body felt like a new project to explore then, not at all like it did here on his own damn bed. Here, it was like trying to convince himself back onto a mount that had thrown him quite badly in the past. He flipped over on to his knees, tried to think of Caleb bent over in front of him; willing, wanting, trusting him. Essek laid his free hand on his headboard. It felt much better to thrust with his hips than to jerk his wrist. He didn’t need to enjoy everything, just needed to find what he did enjoy. These new desires and pleasures to discover, he should feel motivated, excited.

But what if Caleb didn’t enjoy the same things? Essek bit his lip, tried to recall the little gasping breaths Caleb had made when Essek worried his teeth into his neck. They had matched each other well so far. He’d not found a fervor when cracking a spell much like it had been when he worked with Caleb. And kissing him had been scary at first, but now he looked forward to it. Caleb was nice to kiss, and seemed to like kissing him too. Essek took another breath, he had been tensing as he worked himself, responding to what felt good without thinking much about the mechanics of it.

Back when he had learned about all these behaviors, what they were for and what they meant, he didn’t know what to think. He had considered himself just, different, perhaps, that he felt no such desire to participate. Or maybe something was wrong- enough people certainly thought there was. But he didn’t _feel_ like anything was wrong, even if said there was. So he did as he always had: realized he was above his nay-sayers, rejected them, and moved on. Eventually, he was fairly certain all teenagers were miserable as he had been no matter what. He had become happy, was going to stay happy, and then… well. They hadn’t been part of the plan.

He thought of Caleb, prone in front of him, hot around him, reaching up and hugging him to his bare, flushed, soft chest. Essek’s name moaned on a breath. He came onto his hand, and directly over where he preferred to sleep at night. He buckled forward, berating himself for not thinking ahead while his body buzzed pleasantly with the feeling of contentment. Would Caleb kiss him? Caleb liked cuddling, and Essek was becoming more comfortable with it. He let himself fall onto his side and nuzzled into his pillow, pressing it into his face. He breathed deep, wishing they had spent more time in his bed so there might have been some lingering smell of him. If he asked Caleb to spend the night, would he be content if they just slept together, without _sleeping together?_

It was supposed to make him happy, he reminded himself. He’d done well, found one thing he liked, and that was a start. He let himself simmer in the pleasant afterglow before forcing himself up to remove the unfortunate sheets from his bed. As he tidied, the dildo stood by onhis bedside table, a jar of lube beside it. It didn’t seem… quite so daunting now. He didn’t need to come from it, just wanted to know he’d made _some_ sort of attempt towards that very appealing image in his mind. It wouldn’t be horrible, and if it was, he would stop. He wanted to know what this new version of his body, sought, and to some degree, why?

He brought in a towel from the bathroom, laid it over the bare mattress, and then laid himself atop that. The door to his room way already locked, but laying back with legs spread made him just nervous enough that he reinforced it with magic. The curtains were already drawn, a silence ward up so that no sound would escape the room. He would never be afforded this sort of privacy at the ‘Xhorhaus’. He covered his eyes with one arm and groaned. Maybe Caleb would humor him, though he was fairly certain there would be little stopping a a bit of interference from their friends. If they were friends. Jester, Caduceus, and Nott too, he supposed.

Essek pulled the jar of lubricant from the table, warmed it between two fingers, and ran his other hand along his body. His skin felt warm, the muscle underneath not impressive, but there. He smirked to himself. A noble’s body. A politician’s body. He knew from the little contact they’d shared that Caleb’s was quite different. Caleb was just a little physically stronger than him and that was… exciting? Essek slid one finger between his cheeks, shifted, took a few more controlled breaths. He thought of a world where there was no need to even consider he could be anything less than what Caleb thought of him. He felt his eyes grow hot, credited it towards the new sensations, and he pressed one finger in. Told himself multiple times that no matter what he felt, he did _not_ need the bathroom. He just sat there a moment, breathing shakily, and distracted himself thinking of a life he didn’t have: Quietly studying the beacons in the tower alongside Caleb. Laughing and joking with his now large group of friends. Sharing his body with Caleb with no fear that it might suddenly become the most uncomfortable experience imaginable, trapped in his own mind, like it always had been before. He shifted his hips down against his own finger. He reached out, grasped the dildo, and palmed it with lube. He kicked his pants down to his feet, let his knees rock towards him, and his ass felt the open air. 

He watched his chest rise as he continued to breath. Why was he doing this again? Curiosity? He’d done it before, it had only made him feel un-present when his body as it reacted in ways that his brain didn’t follow. What had changed? 

Caleb was change. Brilliant, damaged, unexpected change. His past actions were change. There was much more risk involved in getting close to people now than there had been before. But he didn’t desire Caleb _because_ there was risk- it terrified him. He wanted Caleb. He told himself he would have wanted Caleb had he known him back then. In another world, they could have been friends all along, become something else easily and innately. But that wasn’t the world he had the chance to love Caleb in. 

Small as it was, he anticipated no pain. He was ready. He allowed himself the grace to think of this imaginary world were nothing stood between Caleb and him. It slid in easily after the first inch. His body was tight around it, would have forced it back out did he not hold it in. But holding it in added a pressurethat brought this other world into view. He gasped, mind racing, pinched and touched at the side of his neck as though he could feel Caleb’s lips. 

_Caleb._

Relieving the pressure enough for the dildo to slide back out was simple- it was not tensing as he pushed it back in that was hard. But the lube was good quality, and the more he closed his eyes and thought, the more he wanted the heat of Caleb’s skin pressing against him. The weight of Caleb’s arms caging him in. Safe. Trusting. Vulnerable and cared for in a way he never had been. He felt his cock brush against his arm, getting hard again. That… didn’t usually happen. Had he really fallen so far for this man that his body was barely the one he grew up in? It had taken so long to convince himself that it was okay- that he was better off even, not wanting anyone. How could he contend with a body that suddenly wanted so much?

Each press in was a new dab of ecstasy, and his toes curled and quaked when it reached that one very nice place. He almost felt like he couldn’t keep up. He moved it faster, and his breath hitched and his cock dripped. His fingers became immediately slicked as he thumbed over the head of it, and he quickly found himself unable to tell what was his decision, and what his body demanded. His hands and muscles felt as though they moved on their own.

He pinched his eyes shut and the room around him was gone. There was just Caleb’s face, pressed against his knee, breathing hard and watching Essek get closer as he matched the rock of his hips. A panic rose in Essek’s chest, up behind his eyes. He didn’t know how to tip over the edge like this, he was lucky his body did. Essek’s breath left him as the smallest sound escaped. His ass felt amazing. His hand shuddered and his body shuddered too as he came again. He was panting, trembling,then properly hazy and limp. 

Caleb would kiss him now. They would hold each other close so Essek rolled onto his side and wrapped his arms around himself. The dildo slid out quickly, and the sensation made him clench his teeth. He felt… alone.

He was in his room, in his house, alone, with the curtains drawn and the world shut out. His jaw tightened and his spine tensed up. His heart beat hard and fast. He brought one hand to his hair and tucked his chin to his chest. No one could see him, no one could hear. Everything felt tight, uncomfortably so. Without the adrenaline coursing through him, he had no guide to tell him how to deal with these sensations. So he stayed, curled in on himself, and everything stopped. He couldn’t think, he couldn’t move. 

And it felt like forever.

He didn't remember falling asleep, but eventually, he woke up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TWO BROS SITTING IN A HOT TUB 5 FEET APART CAUSE THEY NOT STRAIGHT
> 
> Comments and kudos always appreciated <3


	5. 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Essek re-evaluates how to deal with conflicts. The boys get some unrequested encouragement from their friends, but it all works out in the end.

“Can I see?” Yasha asked. There was a nervous curiosity to her that Essek hadn’t encountered yet. He set the box down and nodded.

“Please. Go right ahead.” He said. Essek watched Yasha lean bodily across the table and pull the box towards herself. Caduceus stood at the counter making tea. He had kindly refused to let Essek walk home in the light drizzle falling over the city, despite Caleb and Veth not being present yet. Essek’s first instinct was to return home and come back later. What use having friends live so close if you can’t shelter from a storm, Caduceus had said. It was hardly a storm, Essek thought, but he’d not spent much time with Yasha, and with Caduceus’s comforting presence, it seemed as good a time as any to remedy that. 

Yasha carefully remove each part of Luc’s gift. A topaz inlayed in a stone pendant on a chain, a gold ring, and a brass armband. Her eyes flicked between Essek and the jewelry. Yasha examined the runes carefully etched into each piece, smiled.

“This reminds me of Celestial.” She said, turning the brass band in her hands.

“Ah, yes,” Essek said. “Those runes are derived from several… divine, so to say, languages.Celestial, Abyssal, Deep Speech, Primordial…” Yasha looked at him with wrapped interest. 

“You can speak all of those?” Her eyes were wide. She would probably believe him if he said he could. He smiled.

“Not entirely.” He said. “The alphabets from each are used throughout written spellwork for various formula.”

Yasha nodded. She held the topaz up to the light.

“Veth will be very happy with this.” She said. Essek’s hands felt the absence of something to do. He fidgeted behind his back. Think of something to ask back think of something to ask back.

“You speak celestial, then?” He asked. Caduceus set a platter on the table with a kettle and multiple cups.

“Ja, it’s strange though.” Yasha said, turning over the pendant. “I don’t remember ever learning it.” She frowned and for a moment Essek felt her focus shift from the jewel to the rain hitting the windows. “It’s more like I’ve always known it.”

“Tea?” Caduceus offered Essek a cup. “And if you evert tire of standing, you’re welcome to sit.” He said with a gentle smile. Essek felt his shoulders relax. Why had he tensed them in the first place?

“Thank you.” He said, and sat across from Yasha. The wooden chair brought a welcome stability, and the tea cup gave his hands something to do. “Do you know if there might be… angels,” Essek said. “or another type of celestial being somewhere in your lineage?”

“I really doubt it.” Yasha said. “We had myths, sure, about how the gods made us from blood and mud, but that’s it.”

Essek smiled politely.

“Charming.” He said.

There was a jingling at the door and Essek’s heart lept for a moment thinking it was Caleb. Veth too, he reminded himself. The low, gravely tone that called through the house made the feeling rather brief.

“I’m HOME!” Beauregard’s voice rang out. “Caduceus! Are you making anything?” There were two loud thumps as her boots were kicked off and her bare footfalls came closer. Not knowing what to do, Essek looked to Caduceus and Yasha. Beau had not come off as… happy to see him the last time they had met.

“Are Fjord and Jester home?” Beau said as she strode into the kitchen. The way she carried herself shifted when she saw Essek. Soles flat on the floor to one up on its ball. Languid arms stretching out above her retracted to her sides. Caduceus looked between her and Essek for a moment.

“Oh, right. Essek’s here.” He smiled. “Beau? Tea?”

Essek watched Beau clench and unclench a fist, and felt his face fall into a frown. He couldn’t be surprised that Beau might be unhappy with him, but he was unsure if his discomfort was due to her anger, or the threat of what her anger might bring. Beau shook her head, focused back on the people she cared about. Essek felt his gut clench. Guilt? Mourning for the possible loss of a friend?

“Maybe later.” She said. “Essek, since you’re here, could I talk to you for a sec?” 

Essek blinked.

“Of course.” He said, and pushed back his chair.

“Why don’t you join us?” Caduceus said. Beau nearly glared at him, and something clicked in Essek’s mind. Caduceus didn’t trust Beau on her own with Essek. Was she more upset than he knew? She wouldn’t… attack him? No, she wouldn’t. 

But she might kick him out of her home, and he wouldn’t begrudge her that, though it would make it more difficult to see Caleb.

“Actually I was kinda hoping to talk with just Essek.” Beau said and sighed when Caducues just stared and smiled pleasantly at her. “Alone.” Essek found himself gripping the underside of the table. He could see now, clearly, he had somehow caused a rift between Beau and Caducues, and he would not allow it to become deeper. Essek stood up.

“I think that would be best.” Essek said. Caduceus looked to him, frowned a moment, and then smiled. 

“Then take your time.” He said, nodding. “We’ll holler when Veth and Caleb get here.”

Essek followed Beau to the study. Last he had spoken to her, she had seemed in a sort of disgusted disbelief that he had the audacity to appear before her on her ship. He wondered if that feeling had abated, or festered. Beau shut the door behind them and faced Essek, studying him. Essek gave his standard smile.

“Well.” He said, trying to appear relaxed. “What did you want to speak with me about?” 

Beauregard crossed her arms.

“How’s Caleb?” She said. That took Essek a bit by surprise. Perhaps Beau and Caleb were closer than he knew.

“Fine, to my knowledge.” Essek said.

“He make you happy?” She said. Essek shifted his weight. He knew he would be better off in the long run if Beau liked him, but the way she was privately interrogating him… It felt like she was fishing for something, not just asking as a friend. He forced a laugh and searched for the words.

“I….am not entirely sure of your intent with these questions.” He said. She smirked. Looked at him with a sort of glassy gaze that betrayed the focused restraint of some strong emotion. She looked at the floor, at her bare feet, and let out a huff of breath.

“Look, Caleb is… like a brother to me.” She brought her eyes back to him. “Sometimes we fight, but I love him. No questions asked.” She said. “I want to be sure you’re not just fucking around. He cares about you.”

Like a brother. If only he had a better sense of what caring for a brother was like. Beau leaned back on a bookshelf. Perhaps he was thinking too much like the Shadowhand. If she was just concerned for Caleb-

“I won’t make you air out your personal life.” She said, and her tone changed. So high and mighty suddenly. Essek was instantly back into evaluating every move she made. “So. What do you think we should do with you? For all the lives you let be lost.”

Still fixated on the relationship between the bacons and the war- invested in it. _Never mind_ all the work he did mitigating the damage done by both countries from the conflict started. 

But there _had_ been damage, he reminded himself. Damage specifically because the assembly had a beacon, and he had stayed quiet about it. Yeza, and more importantly Luc. Weeks, he’d spent, working on mending just that relationship, and there was work to be done yet. If he was to believe that Beau and Caleb felt that strongly towards every citizen of the Empire… 

His heart clenched. They were wanderers, not politicians. Could afford to spread their compassion thin. He fought down the urge to defend himself. He took a breath.

“I am… unsure.” He said. Essek shifted uncertainly and crossed his arms. He wished he’d worn his cloak and mantle.“I have… _caused_ a great deal of pain for you all, and I’m not sure if there is a simple remedy for …that.” He said. Beau only listened, so he was forced to follow this thread of reasoning he didn’t come naturally. But what these people felt mattered, because the way he felt towards them mattered. The discomfort would only end if heabandoned this new horrendous and rewarding path. Believe in the caring, try and leave the rationality behind.

“Regardless of my own interpretation of what has transpired,” He said, “I need to look past that and… try to ease the suffering of those close to me. It is important, to do right by those dearest to me. I would hope… you would all help me do that, but by no means do I expect you to.” He said and took a deep breath. His heart pounded in his chest. 

Beau’s face… changed. She was smiling, and her mouth twitched into a frown. She covered her face with her hand and he heard how her breath shook and she composed herself.She shook her head, and when she looked at him, he saw anger and sorrow there. He had done this, somehow.

“You think this is about _us?”_ Beau said. _“_ You really don’t care, about all those people?” Her voice cracked and she took a moment to calm herself. She glared at him. “The only reason, you give a shit, is because _we_ decided to care, and _you_ care about us?”

Essek’s mind raced. He had _thought_ honesty was supposed to _help_ interpersonal matters. His spine felt fragile.

“I… I am trying to change, Beauregard.” He said quickly. “I am trying to re-evaluate how to make and carry out decisions-“

“That’s a _problem,_ Essek.” She threw her arms out to the side. “The _how_ you do things is the important part. The _why_ is important. And your ‘why’?” She gave a cruel, sad smile. “It’s fucked up, man. Whatever makes _you_ happy, whatever makes _you_ fulfilled.” Her arms flopped back down to her side. Her hands balled into fists.

Essek couldn’t look at her. Nothing was good enough. She wouldn’t have been happy if he had pretended to care about those people. S _he’s wrong, she’s wrong, she’s wrong!_

“I don’t want to argue, about this.” He forced. 

Calmly. 

She was emotional about this battle of ethics- he couldn’t be too. Arguing now would only convince her he was an enemy. He had spent years learning to manipulate people’s emotions, how to bend them to what his country wanted. Why not use those skills to prevent himself from ruining a friendship he wanted so badly to mend? 

What would she value? What did she value, even above her precious ethics?

“I’ll leave.” He said, though it shook him to the core. Beau’s fists softened as Essek’s clenched and he held them to his sides. Essek nodded, as it felt like the only thing that would keep him from falling too deep into the misery that would follow this rational. “I’ll go. I won’t be the one to cause the Mighty Nein’s demise.”

It was rattling to think of life without them now, though deep down he knew someday he might be okay. After another century maybe, when most of them would probably be gone anyway. He bit his lip, laughed to himself. 

“If that is what it takes to preserve the people I care about, I will leave.” He said again. He let his head tilt towards the floor. He counted the wooden slats that made it up. Beau cleared her throat, and he looked up. 

“Caleb would be real sad.” She said, and wiped her nose. “A lot of them would be.”

Essek smiled sadly.

“Better that they be alive and safe.” He said. He had to stop thinking about it- no. He couldn’t _stop_ thinking about it This is what Beau needed to give him a chance, and she had to know was real. He had to let her see his very real misery.She crossed her arms, kicked one bare foot up onto the shelf behind her. She was still taller than him, even without the boots.

“I don’t think I want you to go.” She said.

“No?” Essek said, straightening with a jolt.

She wasn’t attacking him anymore. 

Now she would _negotiate_. 

She was an expositor, he reminded himself. For all he knew, they were playing the same game.

“No.” She said. “I don’t know if I’ll ever forgive you, Essek. But however different we are, there are some ways we’re alike. We both care about the same people. Want them to be happy, and safe.” She took a deep breath, calm again, calculating. She was impressive, in how her ideals motivated her into emotion and back out. He wondered if she would ever understand they were in that way, similar too.

“I want you to stay, because it makes Caleb and the rest of them happy. But first I need to call in a favor.” She gave a smile. Showing she knew she had the upper hand. He cracked one back. What _could_ they accomplish if they worked together?

“What would that favor be?” Essek asked, already sure he wouldn’t be thrilled with her answer. 

“I want you to be an informant for the Cobalt Soul.” She said. “Tell them what you know about the Assembly.”

Essek felt his heart beat wildly again. His workings with the Assembly were _done_ , and he never wished to see or hear from any of them again. Doing so would put them all in immense danger.

“To do so would be… an incredible risk.” He said. He nearly laughed. Hadn’t that been the case when he sealed all of his relationships?

“No. It would be safer that way.” She said as though it were painfully obvious. “Because if Caleb ever decides we wants revenge on Trent Ikithon, we’ll need all the help we can get. And that’s who you care most about, isn’t it, Essek?”

He could feel his body telling him how stupid he was being. How he was now running headfirst into both ruin and heartbreak like never before. Ikithon. Essek knew Jester had mentioned him , but Caleb having reason to hate the man was… it made sense he supposed. Caleb had seemingly failed out of becoming a scourger, and Ikithon wasn’t just selfish, he was cruel. It made Essek’s skin prickle, and it filled him with an unusually… _burning_ feeling. His hands shook. His body felt someone’s other than his own. This wasn’t him. He didn’t care about other people.

“What. Did… Ikithon…Do?” He managed. Beau watched him struggle against what he felt.

“That’s up to Caleb to decide if you get to know.” Beau said, and the front door chimed. 

“WEEEE’RRREEEE HOOOOOMMME!” Jester’s voice rang out. 

“OUT OF MY WAY!” Veth’s voice screeched through the house. Beau glanced to a window.

“Man. It’s raining cats and dogs out there.” She said. Essek’s gaze was drawn towards the foyer, where he could just see Caleb and Fjord hanging their coats while Jester pulled off hersoaked boots and tossed them over her shoulder. A trail of small, wet shoe prints led further into the house. Caleb happened to look up, and caught Essek’s eye. His red hair was damp and dark against his head, and for that, his smile seemed all the brighter. 

“Prrrump.” Said a voice below. Essek looked down to see Frumpkin twisting about his legs. He was immediately relieved at the creature, and Beau clapped a hand on his shoulder a little too hard.

“So anyway. That’s my offer for letting you stay. Think about it.” She said. Essek pressed his mouth into a line. 

“Is there a time limit to this?” He said.

“I dunno- a week?” She said. “How about this- you give me an answer in about a week, or maybe I’ll have a little heart to heart with the Bright Queen? Sound fair?” She patted him on the back and strode out of the room. Essek rolled his eyes and followed. She was joking. He had made it, so far and… She wouldn’t just go and reignite the war. She was threatening him as a joke… like friends did for fun.

“That _doesn’t_ sound fair.” He said.

“I’m just messing with ya.” She said over her shoulder, and then turned around completely to walk backwards. “But seriously, let me know when you decide the answer’s yes and I’ll put a call in to the right people.”

So sure of it all. How nice that must be, he thought, as they went to join everyone in the kitchen Frumpkin trotted at his heels.

They were in the kitchen, sitting with cups of wonderfully hot tea. Essek had taken Veth, Beau, and Jester to demonstrate how the magic constructs for Luc worked. Caleb hadn’t been electrocuted in quite some time. He didn’t hurt now, but he couldn’t quite think straight. 

“I-I’m sorry could you say that again?” He said. Caleb sat next to Yasha, who suddenly seemed very doubtful. 

“Well, it was Fjord’s idea-“ Yasha began.

“It was _Nott’s_ idea.” Fjord cut in. Caleb processed. Nott’s idea. Okay. That was a lie, even if Fjord didn’t know it.

“Well, Fjord just came and told me,” Yasha looked between Fjord and Clay. Caduceus seemed far too pleased. “he said, maybe, if we all asked the Storm Lord and the Wildmother, maybe they could send a storm bad enough that Essek would have to stay the night.” She said, and looked down into her tea cup. She fiddled at the sides. “I think maybe we did a bad thing.” She said. Caleb blinked several times and nodded. 

“Yeah maybe.” Caleb said. “The city is flooding.”

“Well,” Fjord leaned back in his chair, gestured broadly. “I mean in _hindsight_ it seems, a little, presumptuous…” He trailed off under Caleb’s blank stare. “But I mean it’s _Essek._ He’ll probably just, you know, teleport home, or, or, or make a gravity field so he won’t get wet.”

Caleb let his head fall forward to rub his eyes into his palms.

“Unless he’s used up all his spells demonstrating for Veth.” Caleb said. Caleb had been working so hard to be respectful. Not to mention _he_ was drained of spells for the day too. He sighed. 

“I suppose we can perform a ritual to send him home.” He said. They heard footsteps approaching and he felt a bump to his side as Veth climbed up on a chair beside him.

“HOLY shit.” She said, exasperated. “Have you guys looked out the windows?”

“Lot of rain.” Caducues said, and thought for a moment. “probably shouldn’t water the plants for a few days, soil will already be saturated.”

“There would appear to be something of a minor flood.” Essek said. Caleb’s head shot up. Yasha shrunk down. Fjord began to very closely examine his tea cup. 

“Will the lower parts of the city be okay?” Caleb said. Essek nodded, and Caleb half heard him explaining that drow architecture was well prepared for flooding, due to their underground history. Essek seemed perfectly calm. Caleb stared at Fjord. Fjord noticed, and cleared his throat.

“Er, um, Essek, such a, shame about the flood.” He began. Essek shrugged. “If you’d like, I have an ability I could use to help you on your way home?” Caleb watched Essek like a hawk, but his face didn’t betray any anxiety or disappointment. 

“Oh. That would be quite appreciated. I’ll gather my things.” He said, and vanished back towards the training room. Caleb let his head hit the table a moment before looking up at all of his friends. He scanned the group, face by face, until he landed on Caduceus. Too calm. Too gently pleased with this. And Veth would never fill the streets with a half-foot of water.

“Remind me not to get on the wrong side of the Wildmother, ja?” And he stood to follow after Essek. Fjord looked from Caduceus, to Veth, and back to Caduceus. He jumped up and pointed.

“It was YOU who told us to do this!!” Fjord said.

“Well, that’s an awfully presumptuous thing to say.” Cad said. 

Caleb caught up to Essek as he was putting the last of some components back in a bag. He smiled when he saw Caleb, and Caleb savored the warmth that bloomed just below his ribs. He walked into Essek’s arms and kissed him. 

“Some weather we are having.” Caleb said. Essek hummed and smiled.

“I might almost think you were plotting to keep me here.” He said.

“I mean I would never _presume_ something so bold…” He said, and Essek drew Caleb’s lips back onto his own. Essek leaned back over the desk in the study and Caleb was forced to brace his arms on either side of him. That was exciting, stirred jitters Caleb had to quiet back. Essek typically didn’t want to be boxed in. Caleb moved his hands to Essek’s waist and tipped his forehead against his.

“But you always have an open invitation to stay here.” Caleb said. Essek’s eyes darted over Caleb’s face. How Caleb _wanted_ him to stay. To wake up next to him, and feel his presence at his side all night… Essek tucked a bit of Caleb’s hair behind his ear.

“I think I would like that.” Essek said.

Caleb felt his gut turn hot. 

“Ja, okay.” He said. He pulled away, feeling parts of himself begin to stir without his consent. “Ah, just so we are clear.” Caleb said. “I, would love, to do whatever you’d like to do. But there is absolutely no pressure -tonight or ever- to do anything more than what you are comfortable with.” Caleb controlled his breathing, forcing the spark ignited in him to dim. Essek pushed himself up onto the desk, leaned forward, and steepled his fingers.

“Of course,” He said. “this was my understanding as well.” Caleb watched Essek study him. That brilliant mind. How fortunate he was to have it focused on him. 

“May we continue this conversation elsewhere? Your room, perhaps?” Essek said.

Caleb was nodding before he could form words. It flared back up.

“Ja,” He said, gesturing. “Did you mean now or…?” 

Essek hopped down from the table. "First I must tell Fjord I no longer require his assistance. I’ll be but a moment.” He gave Caleb a smile, and left the room. Caleb’s blood pulsed with the electricity from the storm. He didn’t know whether to thank his friends or be cross with them. 

He would be sure to make them help if there was any need for repair to the city. 

Caleb tidied a bit before Essek returned, turned down his sheets and duvet. He rummaged through a drawer to weigh the pros and cons of the two sleeping shirts he owned. Eventually, as he debated, he heard the door click shut and soft footfalls approaching him. Essek waited patiently until finally Caleb shut the drawer and turned around to hold him and kiss him on top of the head. Essek pressed his face into the curve of Caleb’s neck, relaxed, and Frumpkin hopped up on Caleb’s bed. Caleb looked around, at all he had.

“My cat and the man I love- what could be better than that?” He said and pressed another kiss to Essek’s head. Essek chuckled.

“Hmmmm there is a private wing of the Marble Tomes where they keep restricted magics.” He said. Caleb leaned down to his ear.

“You never l _earn.”_ Caleb whispered before giving him small nip. Essek’s knees momentarily buckled and his gasping moan could only be described as erotic. Caleb quickly steadied him, but Essek swatted him off and flew up to cover his own face. Caleb saw his skin flushing darker and darker. He heard Essek say a small word in undercommon.

“Essek?” Caleb said. He stepped towards Essek and waited. Essek tipped forwards to lean against Caleb, hiding his face, and groaned.

“It’s infuriating.” Essek said, and let the words just sit in the air while he brought his arms around Essek again.

“You will have to be more specific.” Caleb said, and drew small circles on Essek’s back. Essek huffed and slipped his arms around Caleb to hold him him lightly. Essek turned his face away.

“It’s the not knowing.” He said. “It is like… trying foods I hated as a child, except now some of them make…that happen.” He said and let out a tired sigh. “My body has not felt much my own lately. I don’t….” Essek pulled his head back to look at Caleb. “It’s very unusual and frustrating, to not know how to keep control.” 

Caleb thought. He certainly knew what it was like to fear a lack of control. 

“I think everyone goes through something like that.” He said.

Essek scoffed.

“Forgive me if I fail at age one hundred and twenty to find solace with the experiences of _teenagers_.” 

Well. That wasn’t what Caleb had meant, but perhaps Essek didn’t strictly want someone to relate right now. Perhaps he just wanted Caleb to be there. Essek sighed.

“…Sorry.” He said, and tipped his head up to face Caleb. “You were trying to be helpful- my frustrations should not find an outlet in being unkind to you.”

Caleb kissed him, shrugged, and led him towards the bed.

“You don’t have to apologize.” He said. “This is a process. It can’t always be easy, or more people would do it.”

Essek sat heavily and pulled a small rift in reality to his side. 

“I did not expect any of this to be easy.” He rummaged in the pocket dimension and pulled out a satin garment. Of course he would have something beautiful and wonderful to touch for sleepwear.

“I just did not expect to be so tired from every part of it all the time.” Essek said.

Caleb sat beside him and began to change into his sleeping shirt. 

“What do you mean?” He caught Essek’s eyes trailing over his bare torso for a second, before Essek turned away again. 

“It’s not pleasant, being the only person who liked any part of how I used to be.” Essek said. Caleb’s face pulled into a frown.

“I do not think that’s true.” He said. “You are not becoming someone new, you are finding new parts of yourself in this new situation.” He said, and Essek flopped over on his back to stare at the ceiling. “Like with magic,” Caleb said, “in most people it manifests before childhood. For others, it is later. Both are capable of great things.”

Essek reached over and ran his fingertips along Caleb’s leg. 

“Someone new to magic would have a great deal of catching up to do with a prodigal caster.” Essek muttered. Caleb thought for a minute. 

“Is the… physical sort of thing all that had been bothering you?” Caleb said. 

Essek’s eyes glanced up to Caleb’s for a moment before focusing back on the trails he drew with his fingers. Runes, Caleb recognized.

“There are a lot of arguments being made toward me that I do not necessarily agree with,” he said on an exhale. “and yet I must stop myself from giving any sort of rebuttal, for the sake of maintaining my very few, fragile, friendships.”

Caleb nodded and finished buttoning up his shirt before turning to better face Essek.

“It is… difficult to accept that you may be different from your own perception of yourself.” He said. Essek grimaced slightly.

Caleb laid a hand on Essek’s, and took it lightly. Essek looked up at him.

“You are… happy?” Caleb said. “With how your life is changing?” Essek thought, huffed, but smiled.

“The results are very rewarding.” He said. “The process, not so much.”

Caleb leaned over and kissed his cheek.

“You want to sleep?” He asked, and pressed another kiss there. Essek squeezed his hand, pulled it close to his chest.

“You know, I feel like I should, but I don’t want to.” Essek said. Caleb shifted closer, and moved his lips lower, kissing from the corner of Essek’s jaw down his neck. He lingered on the conjunction of his shoulder, where his shirt began. 

“What do you want to do?” Caleb whispered. Essek was quiet for a moment, and then reached up with his free hand to touch the lobe of his ear. 

“It is shameful,” he said, and quickly brought his hand to rub over his face before continuing. Caleb watched the flush return to Essek’s skin. “but I think I would like to find out more about that.. reaction I had.”

Caleb looked over him. Beautiful, his full weight sunk into the mattress. If only Essek could always be this relaxed and excited.

“There is no shame here.” He said. Essek smirked.

“Maybe not in here, but out there?” He jutted his chin towards the streets. “It is a… bad stereotype, in my culture, to be rendered helpless by a touch to one’s ears.”

“I do not think I have ever thought you helpless.” Caleb said, and watched Essek’s smile spread like it always did with compliments. “I think you strong, and beautiful.” He leaned down and sucked just below Essek’s ear. Essek shifted and let go of Caleb’s hand to better hold him there. Essek nodded quickly.

“Keep going.” He said, voice only beginning to shake on his breath.

“You are studious, and intelligent.” Caleb said, and moved up to exhale over Essek’s ear. This made Essek’s whole body shake. Caleb felt himself growing hotter and hotter the more time he spent bent over Essek. He braced one arm on either side of him. Essek wanted this. Wanted _him_.

“And very, _very_ sexy.” Caleb said, and kissed the tip of Essek’s ear. He felt Essek’s fingers grip into his neck and back. He shuddered and turned his head closer to Caleb’s. Caleb blew softly towards the back of Essek’s neck. Again he was pulled closer. He let his lips trail up the edge of Essek’s ear, and then pressed a kiss right in the open arch of it. He moved back to the folded skin at the edge and gently closed his teeth there. Essek gasped and squirmed under him, balling his fingers in Caleb’s shirt, eyes held shut. Caleb’s cock felt heavy where it was trapped against his pants. He left Essek’s ear and shifted up onto his knees, opening a bit of space between them. Essek blinked up at him and leaned up to kiss him, insistent that they include more than just lips. Caleb slowly let his weight relax down on the smaller man, and felt himself surrounded by warmth between Essek’s thigh and his own body. Essek shifted his knee over Caleb’s erection a moment before moving his hand from Caleb’s back to his bottom, and pulling him closer still. Caleb kissed him with greater fervor and began to rub himself along whatever part of Essek was closest to him. The hand at his ass squeezed and dug in, and Essek broke away for a moment to shift his legs to either side of Caleb’s knees. Caleb’s breathing grew heavy when he felt Essek’s cock bump up against his, albeit they were both still wearing trousers. Essek nipped and pulled at Caleb’s lower lip and twisted his hips so that they brushed past each other again. Caleb felt the pleasant haze of permitted arousal take root in his mind. 

“ _Essek._ ”

Caleb brought one hand below Essek’s lower back and tried to lever him up so that they could be at a more convenient angle. Each movement they made against each other, Caleb felt himself wound tighter. Essek moved back against him as they kissed and touched. Caleb wondered if Essek’s enthusiasm would always have this effect on him. He felt a tap on his shoulder.

“Switch places with me.” Essek said, chest rising and falling rapidly, clearly eager and planning. Caleb flopped onto his side. Essek took a moment to sit up, take a rushed, assessing look over Caleb, before carefully straddling him. Caleb shifted his hips a bit, bit his own lip at the brief friction over his cock, and caught the smallest spark of concern run over Essek’s face. Caleb stopped moving, willed the desire to leave his face, and just ran his hands over Essek’s legs.

“You are good?” He said. Essek nodded, though he still seemed worried.

“I- I don’t want to have sex.” He said quickly, and Caleb nodded, enjoying the feel of Essek’s weight on him. “But I want to…” He hesitated a second, and then leaned forward. He pushed up Caleb’s night shirt. “I want you to feel good.” Essek said, and ran his hands from Caleb’s ribs up along his chest, and Caleb pushed himself up to kiss him. Essek paused a moment, and gave a small laugh.

“I’m afraid I don’t know what to do.” He said, and looked at Caleb’s eyes, smiling. “Any instruction would be greatly appreciated.”

Caleb pulled Essek’s head closer and pointedly breathed over his ear, and Essek grunted.

“Take off my pants.” Caleb said quickly. “you don’t have to take off your’s too, but if you want to, you can.”

Essek licked his lips and laughed a little. “Perhaps another time.” He said. Caleb nodded, and laid back.

“Ja.” He said, and stretched out to lay the back of his arm over his eyes. He had not been this hot in quite a while. He hadn’t been this _intensely close_ in quite a while. And he was with Essek, who had taken to commiserating over the challenge of trying to better himself. Essek, who had made mistakes, but had a chance to make if better. Essek’s hands tugged at his waist band, and with a little struggle, Caleb sprang free. He shifted up on his elbows and watched the emotions move over Essek’s face. He seemed quite taken aback.

“…fuck.” Essek said, and gripped Caleb a bit too roughly. Essek was however, quick to read Caleb’s reaction and loosened his grip significantly before frowning and removing his hand. “Um. If you could show me how, then maybe I could-“ Essek said, and Caleb took the back of his hand and placed it back around his cock. Essek swallowed, but scooted closer so Caleb could better guide his hand. 

“Like that.” Caleb said, and carefully adjusted the grip and speed of Essek’s movements. Caleb laughed and brushed a hand along Essek’s face.

“Such a quick learner.” He said, and brought Essek’s free hand to his chest as he lay back down. Essek’s focus was not broken, if a little shaken, and he leaned a bit on Caleb. Essek’s breathing leveled out, and Caleb tensed his meager abs against the pressure in his hips. He wanted it to last, but going through the effort of trying to calm back down just didn’t seem worth it. He reached down and squeezed Essek’s grip tighter, faster. Essek glanced to Caleb’s face. Caleb sat up to meet him in a soft kiss. 

As soon as he felt it about to happen, Caleb took his hand away and steadied himself, forehead pressed to Essek’s. Essek’s hand left Caleb’s cock a little too quickly, but even so, with his heated breath on his face, Caleb felt the pleasure course through his body as he came. He pulled Essek down beside him to kiss him and nuzzle against his neck. Essek canted his own hips back from Caleb’s, but smiled, bright and self assured every time Caleb looked between kisses. 

Caleb kept kissing Essek’s smile until the tingling in his body dissipated, and he sunk into a deep feeling of contentment and safety. Essek stroked Caleb’s hair from his face. 

“Good?” Essek said, though clearly he already knew the answer. So full of himself. Caleb scooted down and wrapped his arms around Essek’s waist, curling in to unbutton Essek’s shirt and give a small kiss to his middle.

“Ja, really good.” He said, and Essek laughed lightly at Caleb’s voice muffled against his skin, lightly laying his hand behind Caleb’s head. Caleb felt his body asking to just drift off onto sleep, but he willed himself to stay awake a bit longer while Essek raked his fingers through his hair.

“That is also very nice.” Caleb said.

“Oh, I remembered.” Essek said, and took a pause, just stroking Caleb’s hair. 

“I find it much easier to focus on you.” He said. “It is… comforting to know you already know what you like.”

“I am still learning, too.” Caleb mumbled into Essek’s belly. “But I understand. Tell me if you ever want to try things for yourself.” He felt Essek’s fingers tense along his scalp for a moment before they relaxed again.

“I’ll get there, I think.” He said, and shifted a bit. “Would you, ah, like to get changed?”

Caleb sighed and nodded.

“Ja I suppose that would be best.” He said, and pushed himself off Essek. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Essek needs some Elton John in his life cause he going through some CHANGES
> 
> Comments and kudos appreciated. Stay safe out there!!


	6. 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Everyone processes guilt differently. Beau hits things. Getting lost in thought goes poorly for Essek.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FYI no porn in this chapter- gotta get through some character development before that can resume ;)

Beauregard’s punches were slow in the morning, even if they got faster every day. The familiar movements woke her up and she grew lighter on her feet. The floor was cold in the morning, and the sandbag she was hitting had settled overnight, so it hurt just a bit. She drilled the different pressure points on common and uncommon anatomy. Insectoid. Humanoid. Draconian. Pop, pop, pop. Repeat. Pop, pop, pop. Repeat.

She took a moment to breath, hands on her hips, walking in circles while the first bead of sweat trailed down over the hinge of her jaw. Pieces were moving now, things would change. Essek might still be salvageable as long as he still put his friends before himself. If the relationship between him and Caleb reminded good, she could use it. It was like free positive reinforcement for good behavior. But, if it turned sour, everything might explode out. And she had just pushed Essek to go digging into Caleb’s past. Beau spun back to the sandbag with a kick.

It would strain their relationship, sure. 

She moved into a combo of two kicks in quick succession. Pop, pop. 

But it would strain C _aleb_ , and she was the own who put that in motion, again. He would reveal his dark secrets, _again._

Some fucking friend _._ Pop-POW.

At the end of her kicks, she walked to the wall and picked up a training staff- one of the heavier ones. One that would really tire her out. She worked with the momentum of her body, stepping and spinning so physics would do the work for her. The staff pulled her arms along like poi ball strings. Gravity was her weapon here. Crack, crack, crack.

God why did she have to care so damn much? She had been so damn _excited_ he and Caleb were finally going to have a chance to get together. And then this bullshit. She torqued from her hips, up her obliques, to her back, chest, shoulders, down the arms. CRACK.

Beau let the staff drop from her hands to the floor. Bad gym etiquette, Fjord would say. She pushed back the damp hair from her forehead, panted. 

They had told Essek _everything._ Trusted him, put faith in him. And then this. And then Caleb getting together with him in spite of this. Everyone acting like things were fucking fine, despite _this._ She tensed her abs and punched the anxiety that dwelled there. Give it a chance. Give him a chance. Fuck him.

She growled and kicked the sandbag as hard as she could, but missed by an inch and sent herself sprawling towards the floor. Beau was quick. She found her center and landed in a cartwheel, then lightly on her feet. 

This was no good.

“…Man.” Beau balled her hands into fists.

She needed to talk to _somebody_. 

Essek wasn’t used to being awoken by lights- less so, by dancing lights. They were brief. Just as Essek blinked and screwed his eyes shut, he felt Caleb shift beside him and the lights were gone. Caleb’s arm flopped over Essek’s side. And that was seemingly that. 

For a moment, Essek thought Caleb was awake by the way he cuddled closer, but apparently sleeping past his alarm was so regular that Caleb could simply dispel it in his sleep. Essek looked at Caleb’s other arm, pinned under his neck and head. Definitely numb by now. 

Essek turned over and Caleb remained in a deep slumber. He carefully moved the arm he had been laying on closer to Caleb’s chest, and then settled down to just watch him. Even in the still and dark room, he could make out Caleb’s features easily. The red stubble, dotting in on his cheeks and chin. Equally red eyelashes resting over each other in sleep. The amount of danger Caleb was constantly in: adventuring, investigating, a seeming feud between himself and Trent Ikithon, not to mention his choice to have Essek by his side. He wouldn’t have thought Caleb could be a heavy sleeper. Caleb was constantly on edge, but seemed to find enough reason to be relaxed among his friends.

Essek sighed and turned over to look at the ceiling. How good that would feel, if only he felt it. The way Beau and Caduceus tiptoed around him. Jester’s over the top enthusiasm every time he came to visit. A visitor. Temporary. He closed his eyes again.

Of course he felt strange, this was the first time he and Caleb had spent a night together. And as of late, feeling jittery in the morning wasn’t… unusual. The different surroundings were just making it a little harder to calm down. And if he had to stay awake, he would use the time to think. He turned his head to look back on Caleb’s sleeping face. Essek frowned and sighed.

Aid the Cobalt Soul, or leave. Only one of those things would make Caleb happy. The same one that would ensure Essek could be there to try and keep Caleb safe. It should be no question what he should want to do. So why ask for a week? He could do it for Caleb, and that was enough. That was what important was now: this person he still knew so little about, outside of his heart.

What was Caleb’s life before? He only ever eluded to it, never said too much. And what of the training to become a scourger? Such an elite class of spy and assassin, one couldn’t simply choose that path. Caleb must have been selected for it, and then either joined willingly, or by force. Essek frowned, looking at the many lines and wrinkles or Caleb’s face. There was no nice or kind way to produce a hardened killer. The process alone would be enough to break a man. But Caleb _wasn’t_ a Scourger, he had only trained to be one. It didn’t sit correctly in Essek’s mind that Ikithon was the type of man to allow for drop outs, or to leave students half-finished. Yet here Caleb was. And the way Caleb spoke about the Assembly, cutting out the rot, surely that would include Ikithon. Whatever Caleb’s experience with Sourger training had been… it had shaped him. So Essek worked backwards from what he knew of Caleb today.

Caleb first and foremost cared deeply about his home- the people, not the politicians and Archmages he viewed as corrupt. He had probably experienced or witnessed some sustained crime against those who were innocent bystanders. Was the decision to become a Scourger before that? Or after? Did he accept admission to the program as an attempt to get closer and drain the Empire of poison? He couldn’t have. Compared to Caleb’s abilities now, he would have had little, if not zero chance of subterfuge on that scale. So whatever happened to convince Caleb the Empire and Ikithon were doing wrong by the people occurred during his time as a trainee.

What would be required to produce a scourger? For an ally with truly unshakeable loyalty, they must have nowhere else to turn. Like in a cult or abusive partner ship. The Assembly would need to supply both a threat for leaving and gratification, like Essek’s friends did for him.

Essek felt, for a moment, quite ill. The Mighty Nein had become both his salvation and the keepers of his most dangerous secret. But they weren’t like the Assembly, Essek hadn’t been coerced or carefully selected to become their friend.

He let out a long, smooth breath and looked away from Caleb. Essek’s heart beat harder in his chest. He was not being forced to endear himself to his friends, and he was by no means forbidden from seeking other companions. He could go, if he wanted to, with no more punishment than leaving in the first place. But who was he kidding- who else did he have? Within the Dynasty, anyone with the same knowledge as the Nein would deliver him to the Bright Queen. With the Assembly, he would only be free as he was useful. And with the Martinet’s knowledge of Essek’s relationship to the Nein? Essek would be a prisoner, a pawn in their subjugation and demise. Maybe that was the only thing that kept him here- the door was open if he needed to leave. But wasn’t his life good now? Why would he ever _want_ to leave, if not to protect them? He pushed his thoughts back to the mystery of Caleb to stop the twisting, clenching, feeling in his guts. What did all of this tell him about Caleb?

Caleb had left the program, but he shouldn’t have been allowed to leave. He must have managed to escape, or fake his own death. But now, Ikithon surely knew Caleb was alive. Why not try to retrieve him, or dispose of him? What sort of man would choose not to act? What sort of man was Trent Ikithon? Essek ground his teeth.

Ikithon had… asked Essek about the process of rebirth. How had the Dynasty determined the radius of the beacons? Was it experimentation, or chance? Could they consecute a select group for culling at different locations to determine the range? Essek turned back over to face Caleb, disgusted by the thought of the man. The way Trent had looked at Essek the first time they met, like he was a new lab rat to play… the man was sick. Other people to him were just as cogs in a machine. Ikithon must consider Caleb either still serving some purpose, or harmless.

And that made him bad? That was, to an extent, how all governments worked. Each person, no matter how dangerous or their intent, was allowed to stay so long as they didn’t step on anyone’s toes. And yet Beau was so insistent that intent and method were what should be the determining factor. To Beau’s mind, perhaps, the deaths of thousands accelerated by a few months for the sake of forbidden research was the same as the grooming of youth to become killers. And here was Essek, becoming impossibly close to Caleb. Of course Beauregard was upset.

Essek bit his lip and screwed his eyes shut, his heart was beating uncomfortably fast. But Essek didn’t _hurt_ people- he wouldn’t hurt Caleb. He didn’t _needlessly_ harm innocents. He hadn’t _caused_ deaths, they were inevitable. Beauregard was defensive, but she was _wrong._ Spending all her time fixating on Essek’s actions instead of worrying about the vast number of people who wanted to kill him. Essek himself wasn’t the danger- it was the people who had no further use for him.

But who the f _uck_ was he? Didn’t he pride himself on seeking to understand the fucking impossible? If he had put his vast skill, charm, and fucking intellect towards stopping the inevitable… stopping the war from happening… It just had never occurred to him. Because he was selfish. _He_ was dangerous. He was cruel, calculating, horrible, fucking awful-

“Essek?” Caleb’s eyes were open, staring at him. Essek blinked several times, finally felt his own body spasming and the dampness around his eyes. He wiped them with his sleeve immediately.

“Ah- yes?” He said, but nearly choked. He felt Caleb’s hand on his shoulder and a squeeze.

“Are you alright?” Caleb said, frowning, forehead wrinkled in concern.

“I…” Essek tried to speak.

It wasn’t a nice experience, waking up next to his lover in tears. Caleb gave Essek’s shoulder a squeeze. Essek brought a hand to his face, tried to cover the small sobs that shook him. Should Caleb hold him? He should do _something_ , even if Essek decided to push him away. 

“Hey.” Caleb rubbed at Essek’s arm. “Tell me what you need.” Caleb said. Was it from last night? Was he having regrets? Essek choked through a few more bouts of tears before he managed a full sentence. Essek took a couple trembling breaths, looked up at the ceiling, and didn’t look back down.

“I’m just as bad as them.” Essek said, and his face jolted into the most miserable frown. Caleb’s heart sped up in his chest.

“Who?” Caleb said, and tried to pull Essek closer. The pull seemed to only accelerate the tears further. “Essek, what, ‘them’?” Caleb said, and gave him a light shake. Perhaps he was worse at reading Essek than he had assumed. Caleb waited, tense but warm in the shared bed. Everything had been so lovely, he thought it had been going so well. Caleb just kept a steady weight on Essek’s arm and offered small sounds of reassurance. Shhh. It’s okay. You will be okay. 

Essek finally managed a moment between shudders and wiped his hand across his face. Caleb caught sight of reddened, pale eyes before Essek turned over and hid against his chest. Essek still wanted to be near Caleb- there was still something he could do. Caleb held him close and tight. Essek’s breathing changed as Caleb counted the seconds passing by. One and a half second inhale, and then more crying. Two second inhale. A gasping sob. Another one and a half. Rapid breathes, barely a second in and out until it stretched into seven seconds in, five trembling out. Over, and over.

“Essek.” Caleb said. “Who is ‘them’?”

Essek took another seven second shaking breath. Another, a few more tears, and then one more breath. His head remained against Caleb’s chest, and Caleb could feel a damp spot on his shirt formed by the wetness of Essek’s face.

“I am just as bad as the Assembly.” Essek said and shook again. “Deluding myself into thinking I do no harm.”

Caleb’s fingers tightened on Essek. Essek- brilliant, selfish, conflicted, loving, passionate. The Assembly. Dangerous. Cruel. Uncaring. Conniving. “Essek.” Caleb said. He pulled Essek back from his chest.

“ _You_ and not like _them._ ” Caleb said as surely as he could. “Not now.” 

Maybe Essek could have been, they _both_ could have been, but not now. 

“I am.” Essek tried to turn away but Caleb held him firmly. He hated the look on Essek’s face, so bloated by fear, anger, and sorrow. “We’re lying to ourselves- _I am._ ”

“You would have innocents die for the sake of your own goals?” Caleb said.

“CALEB I DID.” Essek said. His voice was scratched from crying and his dark skin ruddy. Essek ground his teeth together to ward off more tears, but they slipped out anyway. Caleb felt his own arms chill, as though the man he was holding had turned to ice in his hands. 

I did. I am like them. If Essek is, then, me too.

Caleb felt his throat start to close. 

“All those people…” Essek said, clenching his jaw back together to hold himself together. “I’m just as bad and them, Caleb, just as bad as him.” Caleb’s chest contorted. Is this what it felt like to have your heart and lungs crushed? Both his comfort and breath, were taken as one. Caleb screwed his eyes shut, pulled his hands from Essek’s shoulders to clutch at his own spinning head.

NO.

I am like _them._

I _changed_ from _them._

“Essek, stop.” Caleb said, and bit his lips between his teeth. His eyes were hot. His nose was hot. 

_You_ can be like _me._

_Please_ be like me _._

“I’m so sorry.” Essek said, gasping in air. Stopstopstopstopstopstopstopstopstopstopstop.

“Essek, _please.”_ Caleb said and swallowed back against the tightness in his throat. _“S_ top.” Essek shut his eyes tight and dropped against the pillow beneath their heads. Great, vast nothingness roared in Caleb’s head. He took a long trembling breath. 

“You are talking about Ludines?” Caleb said, air coming back into his lungs in sharp tugs. “Or all of them?” Essek swallowed hard and started to gasp. 

“I… don’t know.” Essek managed. “I could have been either- both.” Caleb blinked back tears, he took Essek’s shoulders again.

“Could have?” Caleb said. “Not are?”

“ _I don’t know._ ” Essek said, seeming to regain a little control of his thoughts and words again. “It is rending me apart,” Essek said. He rubbed the heel of his hand across his eyes. “I _don’t know_.” He looked at Caleb. Caleb gave a small smile.

“How much of what I am doing is out of fear that I’ll lose you and my friends?” Essek said. “How much is just trying not to be turned over to the Bright Queen?”

Caleb’s eyes darted over Essek’s face. He could love someone so horrid as Ludines and Trent. He loved Essek. Essek couldn’t be like them. Essek was like his friends. Essek… was not like Astrid.

“You don’t have to have only one reason.” Caleb said, and shook his head.

“I don’t know what I’d do without all of you.” Essek said, trembling again. “I feel like I might just go back.” Essek crumpled back into tears.

“No.” Caleb said, and pulled Essek close to his chest again. Not again. “I will _not._ _Lose you._ To _them_.” He buried his face against Essek’s hair and hugged him tighter than he ever had. The sheets and blankets tried to get in his way, but he tangled his legs in Essek’s.

“Essek, don’t.” Caleb said, and his chest felt like a negative space, void of air. “Please don’t go back.” Caleb felt his last thread on quieting his panic slip from his grasp and he was racked with sobs. Barely audible as he shook from years of practice. But it was long and arduous to let pass, and Essek stayed a broken weight in his arms and legs as Caleb cried. 

One

mi

nu

te. Tw

o min

utes.

“Caleb I won’t.” Essek said, and Caleb took a new gasping breath, feeling Essek push against his arms. “I won’t go back to them.” Essek said shaking his head. He wiggled himself up to Caleb’s face and took it in his hands. Caleb nodded. He blinked and felt Essek’s thumb wipe away his tears.

“Caleb, I don’t know what I’m going to do,” Essek said. “but I _will not_ go back to them.”

“I would never-“ Caleb said. “-stop you. From leaving if you wanted to. But _please._ Don’t. Go back to them.”

“I shan’t.” Essek said, and kissed Caleb’s forehead, and pulled him to his chest. Caleb gripped Essek’s arms like he might be torn away. Shadows licked in flame flitted in the space around them, cackling and teasing at him. Essek pressed his cheek against Caleb’s head.

“Caleb, I’m so sorry” He said, and Caleb could hear the rapid beat of Essek’s heart. Caleb took a slower breath, eyes shut tight, four seconds in, five seconds out.

125 beats per minute.

126 beats per minute.

120 beats per minute.

117 beats per minute.

Caleb sniffed hard.

“I am alright.” Caleb said, still breathing shakily.

“You are?” Essek said, pulling back to look down at him. Caleb gave a laugh, followed by more sniffling, and licked his lips.

“As alright as I usually am.” Caleb said. 

They sat laid quietly together, in their own hurricanes of thoughts. Slower now, non-aggressive. Maybe still aggressive, but Caleb was too exhausted to react.

“May I say something strange?” Caleb said. 80 Beats per minute. 

“...Sure?” Essek said, idly stroking Caleb’s hair.

“It is very comforting, listening to your heart.” Caleb said. 85 beats per minute.

“Oh.” Essek said, and his arms grew a little tense around Caleb. “Thank you?”

“You are welcome.” Caleb said. 90. “You are having a rougher time of it than you have been letting on, I think.”

Caleb felt Essek’s chest expand and sigh underneath him.

“I think,” Essek said. “perhaps I have been doing worse than I cared to admit to myself.” He let go of Caleb briefly and pulled the single pillow they had shared further up against the headrest. After a bit of rearranging, he leaned back again and Caleb settled against his chest, one arm carefully pinned under the warmth of Essek’s back. Essek continued to stroke his fingers through Caleb’s hair. 

“I worry that perhaps I expected too much too fast.” Essek said. “That this is as far as I will be able to go- depending on you, and our friends to guide me.” Caleb looked up at him. Essek was staring straight ahead, seeking out whatever the next step might be.

“You want to keep going?” Caleb said. “Trying to change?” Essek pressed his lips together, like a reminder of what they still shared.

“….I’m not sure.” Essek said. “And I don’t know if I will become more sure continuing to pretend our priorities are easily aligned. I am…” He searched for the words. Caleb pushed himself up and kissed him. Essek’s eyes slipped shut. He felt Essek’s hands gently hold his face, and the firmness on his lips as Essek kissed Caleb back. Essek held Caleb’s head there, just folding their foreheads together.

“You are too independent.” Caleb said. “You are not content just following the crowd.” Essek frowned and slowly nodded. He gave Caleb a sad smile.

“I want to know…” Essek began. Caleb leaned in and began kissing him again. Essek laughed and pushed him off. He cocked a brow at Caleb. “You are being very distracting.” Essek said. Caleb leaned his chin into Essek’s chest.

“I know.” Caleb said. He felt a tremble creep into his voice. “I just know I will miss you.” Essek’s hands came to Caleb’s shoulders.

“Caleb.” Essek said. Caleb looked up at him, smiling, and let the tears roll down his face. “I am not leaving you,” Essek said. “I just need some time.” Essek’s hands moved from Caleb’s shoulders to his face.

“You have changed me.” Essek said. “You have made me happy and thoughtful in ways I never would have… even imagined.” Caleb laughed a little, and dropped his gaze. Essek tipped his chin back up.

“I need to do the next part on my own.” Essek said. “But I will come back.”

Caleb nodded, and wiped at his eyes.

“Ja.” He said. “I understand.”

Essek searched Caleb’s face, like he was looking for any hint of a need for support, or a bit longer to just stay in each other’s arms. 

“Within a week.” Essek said. “I will return.”

Caleb pressed his ear back to Essek’s chest. 62 beats per minute.

“Okay.” Caleb said, nodding to himself. “Okay.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments and kudos always appreciated <3


	7. 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The morning, and day, after.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *smut free chapter*  
> **This chapter features formatting that phones may display in a funky way. The is left and right aligned stuff in Caleb's section**

Rosohna was flooded, and Jester, Fjord, and Caduceus left early in to morning to help drain it. The city was damp, and the rooftops and gutters on every building still dripped. Fjord sent the last of a stream into one of the few planters around the Firmaments, and grimaced at the hight of the water compared to the dirt. So, he closed his eyes and held a hand to his symbol of Melora.

“Um, Wildmother,” Fjord said. “I know this one is, kind of my own fault but, if maybe you wouldn’t mind taking back some of the water?” He said, and peeked through one eye. The water remained. “Just so the plants don’t all drown?” He said in a smaller voice.

A breeze disturbed the surface of the water just a bit, and Fjord felt a disapproving presence… But the water did indeed go down, a little. Fjord smiled and whispered a quick thanks as he made his way back to the square where Jester had been working.

Jester filled a well to its brim and wiped her brow. “Aw man.” She said. “That was a lot of water.” She hunched over with her hands on her knees, panting. Fjord saw this, and walked -a little faster- the last few feet to reach her.

“Jester?” He said, bending over to look at her face. “You all right?”

“Yeah I’m fine.” She said, and leaned back to stretch. “Man that used up, like, all of my spells for the day.” Jester said and looked up at Fjord. “I guess it’s kinda good we don’t really have a mission or anything right now, huh.” 

“Quite.” Fjord crossed his arms and looked around. Caduceus was still nowhere to be seen, having taken up the challenge of funneling some of the water out into the Ghostlands. 

“Was there anything in particular you-“ Fjord started.

“Hey Fjord.” Jester said, brows a little scrunched. Fjord closed his mouth and waited for her to speak. “Were you, Cadeusus, and Yasha all trying to get Caleb and Essek to bone?”

Fjord blinked slowly.

“I’m sorry?” He said, and gave the bottom of his shirt a little tug. H stood up straighter. Already got an earful over Caduceus’s little stint from Caleb- he wasn’t going to get one from Jester too. Jester scooted closer and waved for him to lean down. He indulgently, did so. Jester whispered into his ear

“Cause Yasha was telling me how you guys all had this plan to make Essek spend the night and I was like ‘Oh my god Yasha that’s a really bad plan! Cause Essek is really nervous about sexy things!”

“Oh… “he… is?” “ Fjord said. That certainly wasn’t something they had considered. “But he’s so attractive!” 

“I KNOW, right?” Jester nodded. “I used to think he was probably super into that sort of thing, but this one time when we were talking about love and stuff, he was telling how he never wanted to do anything like that before Caleb.” 

Great. As if it hadn’t been bad enough to consider Essek might not have an easy way to escape their little plan- go ahead and pepper in that he _definitely would want to._ Fjord shook his head.

“But Essek stayed. Essek stayed the night.” Fjord said, and chewed his lip. “Wait, you talk with Essek about ‘love and stuff’?”

“Yeah, we’re friends.” Jester said, as though it were the most normal thing in the world. Fjord decided to let that one go for now.

“He _did_ stay, right?” Fjord said. Jester frowned. Fuck, how much had he missed? “He didn’t stay?”

“He did, but this morning I got up really early and I saw him leave.” Jester said. “Him and Caleb, both of their eyes were really red.” 

“Red like tired or red like upset?” Fjord said. 

“Im pretty sure like crying.” Jester twisted her mouth.

“That is rather concerning…” Fjord thought. “Do you think they had a fight?” No. This was Caleb. “I can’t imagine Caleb pushing Essek- or anyone- to do anything he was uncomfortable with.” Caleb would probably even have offered to sleep on the floor- or in the guest room-if Essek felt weird about sleeping together. 

“Nononono! I wasn’t saying I thought Caleb had _hurt_ Essek or something,”Jester said, waving her hands, “just that sometimes those conversations can be really hard, and maybe they weren’t really ready to have it.” 

That made more sense, Fjord supposed. Damn. Here he had thought everything had worked out fine. But Essek suddenly leaving and both of them clearly upset… 

But what if it had nothing to do with spending the night? Essek didn’t exactly have a clear record, even if Caleb was with him. Was it guilt? Or maybe they argued about Essek’s future?He didn’t know. Worse still, part of him figured it wasn’t his business to know what had left them so upset.

“I sort of wished we had talked to you first.” Fjord finally said. “Would have been helpful to have your insight.”

“Yeah you probably should have.” Jester said with a tilt to her head. Okay, well maybe that was a little unnecessary.

“Didn’t you rearrange the furniture of a bunch of petrified followers of the Wildmother?” Fjord said and slightly inclined his head. He crossed his arms and raised a brow towards her. 

“I mean yeah but that was harmless.” Jester rolled her eyes. “That’s different from doing something that other people are sensitive about- it’s not like I threw their idols of the Wildmother on the floor.” 

“No, you didn’t.” Fjord said. She wasn’t going to get away that easily. “But what if you moved someone’s antique cabinet? Or maybe something that looked like just a regular container, but really it was the _ashes_ of somebody's _mother_?”

Jester glared at him. 

“I think I would know the difference between an urn and a regular dumb jar, Fjord.” Jester said and crossed her arms in a huff. Maybe he pushed a little too far.

“I’m just saying, you’re right.” He said. Jester cocked her head, frowning. “I mean if Caduceus, Yasha, and I had known Essek had issues with-“

“SHHHH!” Jester cut him off and leaned in closer.

“Right. Sorry.” Fjord spoke quieter. “If we had known Essek and Caleb might tiptoe around intimacy more than most folks, we probably wouldn’t have pushed them.” Jester’s shoulders slowly dropped from where they were hunched up. “So maybe, if you had known more about those people back at the Menagerie, you wouldn’t have pranked them.” Fjord said. Jester chewed at her cheek and looked down.She scuffed her boot along the wet ground. 

“I mean I guess you’re right.” She said. “But if I had to know every single person ever before I did even the _teeniest tiniest_ prank to them…” She looked back up to argue, and then frowned.  
“no that’s a shitty excuse.” She said, and Fjord smiled. “Maybe we should try and only prank bad people or people we don’t like.” Jester said.

“I think that’s a wonderful idea.” Fjord said. Jester nodded with determination.

“We should probably find Caduceus.” Jester said.

“Right.” Fjord nodded, “Lead the way.”

* * *

“HOUSE MEETING!” Veth’s voice rang through the still house, and Caleb stirred in his bed. He heard Veth slam her door for added loudness. It was afternoon. He turned over in his bed and pinched his eyes shut. His sheets still smelled like Essek, and that was all he might have of him. 

“HOUSE MEETING!” Veth continued to yell.

Caleb rubbed at the bridge of his nose. Just a week, he had said. He would return. And yet Caleb’s stupid heart still mourned the temporary loss. It spewed every possible theory how this must truly be the end. 

Essek was being blackmailed. Essek was being arrested.

Essek would get assassinated. Essek would assassinate 

one of his friends. Essek would realize how fragile

Caleb was, and decide he wasn’t worth the trouble.

He tried to quiet his mind with the sounds and reality of the house, but his mind and his heart were in competition. One would not function without the other.

“HOUSE MEETING!!!” Veth’s voice echoed from up the stairs. Essek wouldn’t find cause to 

“FUCKING CHRIST WE’RE COMING!” Beau’s voice came muffled change.

from within. her and Jester’s room. Caleb swung his Essek couldn’t change.

legs over the side of his bed and rubbed his face. 

Essek would find solace with 

He hadn’t really spoken to Beau since they had been home. the Assembly.

She made herself scarce when Essek was over, and Essek Beauregard hated Essek.

had been over a lot. She was probably mad at him. Who 

could blame her? She had the Empire’s biggest sucker for Beauregard would ruin 

a friend. She had told him what her issues were, she Caleb’s relationship to 

didn’t think Essek _wanted_ to change. protect him.

And now Caleb sat on an empty bed where hours before Essek was telling him that he didn’t know if he still could. Caleb mouth twitched down in a frown.

As he walked up to stairs, his legs seemed to move on their own while his mind became muddled with everything his heart would agree on.

Caleb couldn’t save Essek. Essek didn’t want to be saved. Essek needed to decide for himself. Caleb needed to wait. It hurt to wait.

“Are you okay?” Veth said. Caleb blinked and stared at her. He was in the meeting room, and Veth was holding his hand by one finger. How long had he been standing there, staring blankly at the floor? 

“Ja.” He said. Veth smiled. Her eyes stayed on his. Veth knew him by now, surely she knew something was wrong. Distraction was what he needed. 

Anything other than thinking about Essek. Gods he wanted to talk about Essek.

“Okay.” Veth said, “You know you can always talk to me.” 

Caleb’s heart thrummed like a plucked string.

“I have-“ Caleb said.

“HOUSE MEETING!!!!” Veth yelled again. Fjord had appeared in the door.

“Gods, we _heard_ you.” He said, rubbing a nap from his eyes. “All of Rosohna _heard_ you.” The rest of the group filed in after him. Caleb sunk into a chair and felt the weight of his body demanding that he return to bed. Jester sat beside him and she would want to help once she realized something was wrong. So Caleb closed his eyes and pretended to be asleep. Veth pulled out the chair between them. She shifted a few times, but that was pretty normal for her.

“What is it, Veth?” Jester said. Caleb blinked open his eyes. Veth was sitting up on her knees.

“Well.” Veth said. Caleb tried to listen, but some invisible noise made it hard to hear her. “I think I have something to say.” Veth looked at Jester, who smiled and nodded. “Yeza and I have been talking and now that we’ve kind of settled into our place in Nicodranas, I was thinking I might stay there for a while. A little more permanently.” 

Veth was leaving? Caleb turned his head so she was all he could see. Veth. His friend. His first friend after the first time he lost everything. Now he was loosing everything again. 

“Isn’t that kind of what you’ve already been doing?” Beau said. Her voice was like a clear note in a symphony of noise. But he _wanted_ to _focus_ on _Veth._

“I mean I’ve kind of been here and there.” Veth said. It’s her _fault._

“This would be more of a staying in one place. Beauregard made Essek 

Like if I came to visit, I’d just stay in the guest room.” doubt himself.

“You want to give up your room?” Yasha said. Her brows were furrowed. Veth glanced towards her, and Caleb’s eyes lept to Beau’s face. 

She was watching Veth. Slouched in her chair,

arms crossed and chin close to her chest. 

Closed off, folding inwards. Defending herself.  Beau was going to miss Veth

“I’ve loved living here with all of you,” Veth said. “and Yeza and Luc are always happy to visit, but I kind of like having a whole house to just myself and my family.” Veth said.

“I don’t think anyone would mind if you wanted to pretend you had the house to yourself.” Yasha said. “You know, like if you wanted to maybe walk around naked, or have Yeza and Luc over more often.” 

Beau snorted and Caleb smiled for just a moment. Beau was laughing raucously. Yasha was looking frazzled from person to person. 

“What? Isn’t that what people do when they have their own house?” Yasha said.

Caleb let out a breath and sat up straighter. He felt Veth’s foot brush against his leg as she shifted positions again. Veth. My friend.

“I don’t know if all of our visitors would be comfortable with that.” Veth said. Caleb gave her a small smile. What was she talking about? He was supposed to answer.

“Ja, probably not.” Caleb said.

# Essek might never come over again.

Then Veth could stay, and be naked, and nothing would change and someday it might even all be okay. Caleb watched Veth’s mouth move, but all he could hear was the steady movement of time: nothing against nothing. Jester bounced in her seat.

“OHMYGOD! We could send Yeza and Luc to stay with Mama and have like a whole GIRLS NIGHT!” Jester said. He’d missed something.

“You mean like paint each other’s nails and shit?” 

Beauregard said. And shit? What were they talking Beauregard would ruin it.

about, sleepovers?

“It could be just like the spa!” Jester said. “We could do facials, and manicures…” Jester turned and slapped her hands on the table towards Yasha. “Yasha! Have you ever been,” She took a breath. “to a slumber party before.”

“Ah. No.” Yasha said, straightening up a bit.

Maybe Yasha would understand. Yasha had lost love.

One eye bue, one purple. How many braids? One. Two. Three. Four. Five. Six.

“Have you heard of a slumber party?” Jester said.

“I have.” Yasha said. 

Six.That’s all of her braids. Now the dreadlocks. 

“I’m not sure I understand how it’s different from camping.” Yasha said.

“Nononono!” Jester said, getting ready to explain. Jester. What was there to Jester? Freckles.“It’s like a party where you just, like, hang out in your jammies, and tell each other who you have a secret crush on-“  
“I have to tell you who I have a secret crush on?” Yasha said, brows rising high.

Secret Crush? “It would be,” He laughed. “Incredibly selfish.”

Caleb looked down at his hands. His nails scraped across each other. They had been getting long. Ten nails. How many ridges and imperfections along each one? He scraped one along the edge of the other, counting every catch. One. Two. Three.

“Yasha!” Veth cut in, rising up onto her knees to lean over the table. “ _Do_ you have a secret crush on someone?”

Fjord cleared his throat. Caleb looked up, and there was only Fjord.

“I think we are getting a little off topic.” He said.

“Right!” Veth waved a hand in front of her face and sat back down. “Sorry, sorry, that just sounded really fun.”

“So would you want to stay behind on missions now?” Beau said. “Or.. like…” 

She trailed off. Just fucking say it if you’ve got something to say.

“Not all missions.” Veth said, “I’d still go on the big journeys, just maybe not so much for stuff where we might be walking into a fight.”

“Our big journeys usually end in a fight.” Caduceus said with a smile.“ Or a revelation. It’s kinda how I can tell we’re almost at the end of one.” Fjord nodded. Caleb nodded too.

“Cad’s right.” Beau said, and crossed her arms. 

Quiet.

Fill it.

“Well,” Caleb said. “I don’t think Veth is saying she believes she will avoid danger all together.” For the first time in quite a while, Beau actually graced him with her focus. “At this point, danger is sort of a given.” Caleb said. “Caduceus has been attacked in the middle of a city, in the middle of our trusted friend’s shop. If Veth is staying at home, she is at least not walking into battle. It is as simple as that.”

Beau nodded again, and glanced back to Veth. But it was only a glance, before her eyes strayed back to Caleb. Don’t look at me like that. You were right. Now he’s gone.

Veth leaned into Caleb’s eyeline, blocking him from seeing Beauregard.

“Well,” Veth said. “It’s really not all about the danger. I want to spend time with my son.” Veth said. 

…….

Luc. That was her son. Only a shitty friend 

would forget.

“I’ve already missed so much of watching him grow up. Just being able to spend time with him: go on walks and give him baths- it’s been wonderful.” She smiled, imagining her child’s laugh. Beau cocked her head.

“You give him baths?” Beau said. Was she…. Teasing Veth? About _that_ of all things? Veth was smiling- she didn’t even notice Beau’s tone. Had there been a tone? Caleb brushed some hair behind his ear and felt sweat. Was he alright? His stomach twisted and he forced himself to listen.

“Yeah.” Veth said. “He’s really taken a liking to the water.” She turned to Jester. “Marion had little vests made for all three of us, so everyone floats when Luc wants to go swimming.”

Veth was going in the water for her family. That was wonderful.

“Veth, that’s really amazing.” Jester said. Veth smiled to herself.

“I don’t want him to inherit my fears.” Veth said. “It’s almost easier to get in when he’s there, because he’s so unafraid. But I only go in up to my ankles.”

Veth found her motivation in other people. Essek could not.

“And, if we had an extra room, maybe someone else might like to live here.” Veth said. Caleb blinked and Veth was looking up at him. “Someone who needs to get used to having a family around?” Veth inclined her head towards him a bit, suggestively raising her brows. Someone who needed…?

“You mean 

# Essek?" 

Said Jester.

“I don’t-“ Beau started, but before he could hold them back, words fell out of Caleb.

“Essek and I are taking a little break.” He said. Veth furrowed her brow and frowned.

“You’re what?” She said.

“Ja. We are taking a little break. I know this has been…. Ah… stressful. A stressful time for all of us. And he just said he needed some space.” Caleb said, and carefully arranged his hands in his lap. “And I’m grateful, to all of you, for being respectful of my decisions to become closer to him.”

“Did you guys have an argument?” Yasha said. No, they hadn’t had an argument. They had an entire relationship built on a question mark.

“No.” Caleb gave her what he thought was a comforting smile and shook his head. “I think we just… rushed into things a little bit. We were both getting overwhelmed.” Caleb said. 

“Does Essek have anyone to talk to right 

now?” Jester said. 

Smart. Clever. Patient. 

Loving. Striving.

“I think he knows he can reach out if he wants to.” Caleb said. “He said…” 

All his friends were looking at him. The lights in the room seemed brighter than before. “He said he’s changed.”

Caleb felt a hand on his arm. Jester. How lucky he was to still have her.

“Caleb, are you doing okay?” Jester said. Don’t.

“Ja, I’m fine.” He said, and looked at the faces of his friends. Each and every one seemed markedly unsatisfied, but, they left it. Thank god they left it. God he wanted to sleep.

“He’ll come back.” Beau said. 

Caleb blinked and only Beauregard came into focus. Her arms were crossed, and she was looking right at him. 

“You believe in him, right? Then he’ll come back.”

What goes on in your mind?

* * *

The meeting dissipated into discussions of when Veth’s departure would take place, if she needed help moving anything big, where they would have the house re-warming party. Beau watched Caleb the entire time. How he stared blankly ahead for minutes before glancing up to check if anyone was talking to him. He was off, and a look from Fjord told her she wasn’t the only one who’d noticed. As conversation turned to idle chatter, Caleb scurried off before anyone could stop him. Beau stared after him. Better not to stop him, she didn’t particularly feel like being scream-cried at. Even if she deserved it.

“Guys,” Veth said, “Caleb and Essek broke up.” Fjord frowned.

“They’re giving each other some space.” Fjord said. “It’s not the same as breaking up.”

“Did you see Caleb just now?” Veth said was an incredulous laugh. “He was a mess.”

“I said it’s not the same, I didn’t say it’s not hard.” Fjord said.

“What if there was another reason Essek wanted to spilt up?” Beau said. She needed opinions- some input that wasn’t her own, tainted with paranoia and rejection. He could be a spy. He could be dominated. He could be an empty, selfish, asshole.

“You mean like, maybe something really bad is coming, and he was protecting Caleb and all of us?” Jester said.

Beau frowned. This was why she needed other opinions.

“I hadn’t thought of that.” Beau said.

“Should I send a message to Essek?” Jester said, lookling around the table.

“I think if Caleb thought there was more to Essek’s departure than what was on the surface,” Caduceus said,“he would have told us.”

“Unless Caleb’s can’t see it.” Beau said. Clay almost continued, so Beau put a hand out to stop him. “I get it, alright? I know when someone needs space you should give them space, but this isn’t exactly a typical situation.” Beau crossed her arms again. She wouldn’t fail Caleb. 

“Caleb asked me to look out for him, when he told me he was gonna try and get with Essek. He knows he might not see it if there’s something shady going on, and how he feels now might make him hate me for interfering, but we have to be skeptical on behalf of Caleb.” She looked from Caduceus to Jester, Essek’s two biggest advocates. “No one wants to be wrong about Essek more than I do.” Beau said. “Before all this bullshit happened I thought they were fucking perfect for each other.”

“Me too.” Veth said, and sat up straighter, and Yasha and Fjord gave small nods.“I’ve chosen to give Essek a chance,” Veth said. “because Yeza and Luc decided to. But if Caleb asked you to remain skeptical, I certainly don’t think it’s bad if _one_ of us is still considering all the possibilities.”

“I’m not truly convinced yet myself.” Fjord said. “Beau, if you want to do any checking up on Essek, I’d be happy to help.”

“Thanks man.” Beau said. “The other part of this, the part that I don’t know if Caleb knows, is that I gave Essek an ultimatum yesterday.”

“An ultimatum?” Jester said. She was making that ‘disappointed Jester’ face. Beau pulled her lips taught.

“Yeah. Because I don’t trust him.” Beau said. “I told him I’d only give him benefit of the doubt if he becomes an informant for the Cobalt Soul. And he said he needed a week to think about it.” The hairs on the back of her neck stood on end. There was something else he had said.

“And he also said, if he couldn’t become an informant, or couldn’t change, he would leave.” Beau said. She turned to Fjord. “Disappear, and never come back.” 

A quiet fell over the group, and Beau chewed her lip. It had made her feel something when Essek had said it the night before, and she could feel the uncomfortable shifting of her friends around her.

“That’s the same offer you did.” Jester said. “With the witch.”

“Yeah.” Beau said. “So I know what a fucked up thing it is.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Woof this one took a while to get where it felt right enough to post.


	8. 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Essek gets some advice. Jester brings Caleb a welcome visitor.

It was a nice day. Caduceus hefted the box he carried a little higher up in his arms as he walked towards Essek’s home. He stopped to admire a yard with flourishing plants that thrived in the dark places. The leaves were long and drooped down like those he had seen in his now many travels. Caduceus leaned over the decorative fence, which circled the property, and smelled a waxy flower.

“Caduceus?” A familiar yet hesitant voice said. Caduceus smiled and looked up. It was Essek, floating a few inches above the ground. He looked healthy, albeit a bit surprised to see Caduceus.

“Essek. Hi.” Cad said. Essek hadn’t fled. Beau would be happy to know. “You doing well?”

“I am… doing, I suppose.” Essek said. They stood in the street a moment longer. A cool breeze touched Cad’s ear and he remembered his errand.

“Oh, these are for you.” Caduceus held out the box. Essek raised a brow and leaned forward to peer inside. “From me and Jester.” Clay said. “Some sweets and tea.” Essek looked from Caduceus’s face back into the box and carefully accepted it. His arms took the weight well enough, and Caduceus was confident Essek could handle the burden. Essek’s eyes strayed over the box’s contents, and he wore a small smile.

“Thank you, Caduceus.” Essek said. He removed his hands from the box and it floated gently to the ground beside him. Caduceus smiled wider.

“Oh wow.” Cad said. “now that’s really cool.” Essek himself slowly descended to the ground, causing his cloak to fold where it touched the street.

“It is nothing.” Essek said. He didn’t say anything else right away, so Clay went back to admiring the plants. “I… don’t suppose I could ask of you a favor?” Essek said.

“Of course.” Cad said. “But first, do you know where any of these are native to? I could swear I’ve seen them before.”

Essek considered the flowers in the yard.

“You have.” Essek said. “They grow in the Lotus Den.”

“Huh.” Cad said. “Guess I must have missed them.” No biggie. He had been a little preoccupied at the time.

“Some of them are incredibly poisonous.” Essek said. Clay smiled at him.

“Oh that’s fine. Not everything has to be tea.” Cad said. “Still, I’d love to get some of these going back at the house. Fascinating to see how all types of things grow and live together.”

Essek shrugged.

“Sure.” Essek said. Caduceus smiled and gave his full attention back to Essek.

“What was that favor you mentioned?” Caduceus said. Essek blinked a few times.

“Right.” Essek said, and glanced down at the box. “I am afraid I am not the… most adept when it comes to brewing things outside of basic potions. If you wouldn’t be mind showing me how to prepare some of this gift you’ve so generously given me?” Essek said.

“I’d love to.” Clay said. “Lead the way.”

Essek’s home was very quiet despite its vastness. Clay was glad Essek removed his cloak and mantle once they were inside. In the kitchen, Caduceus lit a small fire in the small cooking alcove while Essek sorted through the sweets, picking a few to have with the tea. Caduceus gave the little package of leaves and dry flowers a smell before lowering it into the water.

“Merryweather family.” Cad said. Essek stiffened a moment, and then smiled through what looked an awful lot like a grimace.

“Right.” Essek said. “This is from your home back in the north then?”

“Last bit of it.” Clay said, setting the bag in the water. Like an extra burial. They stood in silence while Caduceus admired the tea bag swirling in the pot. Essek cleared his throat.

“You have family back at your home now, yes?” Essek said. Cad chuckled.

“Oh yeah.” Clay said. “Once all this is over I’m sure I’ll never have any peace again.”

“Your family is rambunctious?” Essek said, smiling. People were always amused when Caduceus mentioned the chaos that was his family, not that he minded. It was like always having a nice surprise for everyone he told.

“Especially when we’re all together.” Clay said, and stepped back, carefully avoiding hitting his head on the top of the fireplace. “It’s a small house. Almost guaranteed you’ll step on somebody’s toes.”

“Sounds strenuous.” Essek said.

“Oh it’s great.” Cad smiled and leaned back on a counter. “Never have to guess what anybody’s thinking.” Essek smiled, and glanced at the floor.

“A rather double edged sword.” Essek said. Cad paused a moment, thinking.

“Huh. That’s interesting.” Clay said and crossed his arms. “Would it really be a sword at that point?” Essek stared at him.

“Is there… a better word for a blade sharpened at both ends?” Essek said.

“I don’t know.” Clay said, grinning. What a gift, to not know. He stood back up and removed the pot from the fire. “Tea’s done.”

They relocated to the front room, and Clay watched Essek awkwardly take a minuscule taste of the tea. He held the cup away and looked very confused.

“Interesting.” Essek said, and took another small sip.

“I get the sense you’re not a big tea man?” Clay said. Essek shrugged.

“I don’t know.” He said. “I’ve not tried much of it.”

“Oh it’s a wonderful hobby.” Cad said. “And you can make it out of almost anything.”

“And anyone?” Essek said, giving a slight smirk. Cad thought a moment.

“Well, sure.” Clay said. Essek smiled and shook his head. They sat in silence for a bit and Caduceus just enjoyed the feeling of the warm cup in his hands.

“Thank you again for coming by Caduceus,” Essek said, looking down at his tea. “I appreciate it.”

Clay leaned over with a wink to show Essek he got the message.

“If you ever want company, you know where to find us.” Clay said. Essek frowned and shifted in his chair. He looked away. Cad leaned back and got comfortable. “You are still welcome over there, you know.” Essek looked up.

“It is not that I don’t want the company, it is more that…” Essek trailed off, eyes darting back and forth, thinking. “It is a new feeling to identify. I’ve always known when I wanted people to leave- I am still learning how to tell when I want them to stay.”

“It’s a tough skill to learn.” Clay said. Essek raised a brow at him.

“You are awfully adept at recognizing loneliness for someone who grew up in a large family.” Essek said.

“Thank you.” Clay said. Essek laughed a little. “It’s odd,” Clay continued, “but you can still feel lonely within a group.

“You are telling me.” Essek said and took a longer sip of tea before setting down his cup. “I never did ask- when did the Mighty Nein…” Essek waved a hand. “solidify, I suppose?”

“You mean how we all met?” Clay said.

“Precisely.” Essek said.

“Well.” Cad leaned back and crossed his legs. He held his tea up to his nose and smelled home. “One day, they came looking for me.” He said. Essek sat back and listened. “Their friend had died, and they thought I might be able to help.”

“This was the friend that Veth mentioned- Lucien?” Essek said. Caduceus considered it.

“Yes and no.” Caduceus said “They called him Molly usually, I think. Other people called him Lucian.” Clay nodded. “I couldn’t bring him back, then, so I just helped him into the earth. I knew they were good people, so we all went to go rescue

Fjord, Yasha, and Jester.”

“Then… what was it, Obann?” Essek said. “This was not the first time Yasha, had been taken away?” Essek said, looking a bit confused.

“Well, this was long before we ever knew Yasha would be taken away.” Clay said. “I think this might have been the second or third time. No, these were some slavers, just some really bad people called ‘The Iron Shepards.’” Caduceus frowned, furrowed his brow a bit and set his cup down, remembering. “Really, just bad people. And another demon.” Clay said. Essek leaned on his elbow.

“Is it possible that this demon was somehow connected with the Angel of Irons?” Essek said. Cad looked at him.

“Hm. I’d never thought to wonder that.” Clay said.

“Was this before you were all aware of the Cult, then?” Essek said.

“Must have been. Otherwise I’d’ve hoped we would have made the connection. On account of the ‘irons’.” Clay said with a smile. He took a bite of a cookie while Essek smiled politely. Now, it was Essek’s turn to talk. Essek seemed to realize in the same moment, and stalled by drinking more of his tea. Clay looked around the room and admired the modern elegance of the architecture. Essek shifted a bit more, and finally sighed.

“I…” Essek bagan, and shook his head. “Forgive me. You did not come here to listen to my worries.”

“Nonsense, that’s exactly why I came here.” Clay said. Essek stared at him, baffled, and even a little annoyed.

“Why?” Essek said, and leaned on the heel of his hand.

“Well, because we’re friends.” Cad said. Essek laughed.

“Right. I keep forgetting.” Essek said. Caduceus pushed the sweets towards Essek.

“It’s hard learning to trust people.” Cad said. “But friends will be there, when you’re ready.” Essek furrowed his brows and stared at the plate.

“It is not that I am not ready, rather…” he thought, shifted the angle at which he leaned on his hand a few times, and finally settled on running a knuckle over his chin. He gave a self-deprecating laugh. “It is rather that every time I believe I should reach out, I am equally convinced my doing so will be resented.”

“Well, you’re supposed to reach out to friends and family.” Cad said. Essek smirked.

“That, has not been my experience with it.” Essek said, staring at the plate of sweets. Caduceus frowned and thought.

“I think everyone is comfortable enough to tell you if they need space, just like you told us.” Caduceus said. Essek sighed.

“I suppose I am hoping that one day I still might be happy, if I fail to change.” Essek said, and rubbed at the bridge of his nose and gestured. “But the more time I spend with all of you, the less likely that seems.”

“You want to know there’s a back way out.” Caduceus said.

“I want to know that I am acting because I want to,” Essek said. “not because I have to.”  
Caduceus frowned.

“I think I’m a little confused.” Clay said. Essek straightened up and crossed his legs to think.

“To a degree, if I am unable to change, I will lose the friendship that has made me…” Essek trailed off, and took a breath. “Happier. Content. There is also a good chance that if I do not manage to change, Beauregard will expose me to the multitude of agents that would prefer I was…less alive.” Essek said. Caduceus frowned.

“I don’t think she would really do that.” Clay said. Beau wouldn’t accept that Essek didn’t belong with them, not now. Essek sighed and looked towards the door.

“I question if I am pursuing all of you because it makes me happy, or because I want to stay alive.” Essek said.

“Well, I think it’s sort of a given you’d want to be alive.” Cad said, smiling. “You might even be lucky, not everyone is motivated by something that also makes them happy.”

“I could be alive without being happy.” Essek said, looking very much how Beau had looked outside the Hag’s hut.

“No,” Clay said, and didn’t even meet his eyes. Instead he took another sweet. “I think you’re too smart and driven for that.” Essek scoffed, and smiled.

“You think much more highly of me than I have as of late.” Essek said.

“I think you want what will make you happy.” Clay said and smiled. He took a bite of a pastry. “It’s a wonderful thing that it will make other people happy as well.”  
Essek was quiet, and Cad made a guess at what was going through his head.

“You don’t need to keep yourself from being happy, Essek.” Clay said. Essek’s eyes flicked to meet his. Dull, like Essek didn’t believe him. Clay smiled. Got ‘im. “You don’t need to prevent yourself from changing because you don’t think you deserve the chance- everyone deserves a chance.”

Essek narrowed his eyes.“Even members of the Assembly?” Essek said, and sat up straighter, pushed back his hair so that it no longer stood in a perfect arch. “Those people, who kidnapped your friends. Do they deserve a chance?”

“If they were genuinely going to change and become forces for good, sure.” Cad said, and Essek scooted back in his chair. “Punishment doesn’t change people,” Caduceus said, “it just makes them feel justified in doing the same to someone else. You won’t hurt anyone by chasing what makes you happy.” Clay said. Essek drummed his fingers on the armrest of his chair.

“That line of thinking has caused me trouble in the past.” Essek said.

“Well, it’s a good thing you’re asking the people you care about first to make sure.” Clay said, and leaned forward to rest his elbows on his knees. “Did you care about the people in the Cerberus Assembly?” Essek snorted, and leaned on his elbow again.

“No.”

“That’s good.” Clay said. “People who you don’t care about- their opinions don’t matter.”

“A rather bold statement.” Essek said into the heel of his hand.

“Thank you.” Caduceus said. He reached out and took another sweet. “You should really try this- they’re very good.”  
Essek stared at him a moment longer, smiled into his hand with a link, and took a treat.

Caleb had been passing the week with Veth, packing, running errands with Fjord, and intentionally losing board games to Jester and Caduceus. In his free time, he prepared structural diagrams for potential spells, organized the laboratory, and slept. On the 6th evening, he was alphabetizing the books in the lab by author, rather than title, when he heard the chimes of the door. Odd. He hadn’t heard anyone knock. Caleb peered out into the hall. Jester was skipping towards him, and when he saw who was hanging a long purple robe by the front door, Caleb’s heart raced.

“Caaaaay-leb!” Jester said, pivoting her shoulders as she skipped towards him. “Look who’s heeeerrre!” Caleb couldn’t stop smiling.

“Essek.” He said. Jester stuck a landing beside Caleb, and Essek walked up to join them.

“Hello.” Essek said, smiling. His feet were on the ground. Caleb had so many questions. Where were you? Are you okay? Did you have to leave me? Jester was rocking on her heels looking back and forth between them. She leaned in and whispered loudly.

“I’ll leave you two alone.” She said, and scampered away. They were alone. Essek just stood there, smiling at him. Paying no mind to the shelves of books, or the unfinished equations Caleb had left on the table.

“You’re back.” Caleb said. His eyes began to heat, but only for a moment. He rubbed one hand over his face. Essek raised a brow and his smile turned to a slight smirk.

“Yes?” Essek said. “I did say ‘within a week’.” He flicked a hand, and the door to the Lab quietly shut behind him. He took a step towards Caleb and reached for his hands. Caleb stretched his fingers to grasp Essek’s.

“Ja, you did.” Caleb said. He took a deep breath and a tremble ran though him. He shook his head. “Sorry, I am just-“

“D-d-shhh.” Essek stopped Caleb. He held one finger to Caleb’s lips. Caleb took a breath in, and out, and blinked at Essek. Essek smiled and removed his finger to tuck a stray hair  
behind Caleb's ear.

“You do not have to apologize.” Essek said, looking at him from one angle, and then another. “I already regret that this has been hard on you.”  
Caleb wanted to argue, that this was nothing compared to what Essek must have gone through, but he allowed the sympathy and nodded.

“But I want you to know that I’m doing much better.” Essek said, and squeezed both of Caleb’s hands. “I missed you, and I…” Essek fumbled, and briefly looked away to take a breath and licked his lips. Had Essek always been this cute? Caleb smiled and waited. Essek looked back to him, a little more flushed than before, and gave a small laugh as he took one more look down at their clasped hands.

“I really want to be kissing you.” Essek said. Caleb laughed, and leaned closer to him. Essek brought his eyes back up and Caleb was right before him.

“That makes two of us.” Caleb said. Essek smiled, and they kissed each other, hands holding hands. Caleb let Essek close the space between them. Caleb slid his hands up Essek’s arms, off the elbows, and around his waist where he laced them comfortably against the small of Essek’s back. Essek’s hands rested delicately on Caleb’s forearms. Every unproved theory of how this all might end badly fded from his mind, filed away in the way-way back. And Essek remained in his arms, with no indication he wished to go away.

When they parted briefly, Essek wrapped his arms about Caleb’s shoulders, and pushed himself up on his toes to properly lean his chin on Caleb’s shoulder . He sighed against Caleb’s shirt, and Caleb pressed a kiss behind Essek’s ear.

“I’m very happy you are back.” Caleb said, and let his eyes shut while Essek’s weight stayed trusted against him.

“Me as well.” Essek said, and let himself be held.

“What are you planning to happen next?” Caleb said into Essek's hair, feeling he could stay on his feet, but fall asleep. Essek chuckled, and lowered back onto his heels, sliding this hands down to Caleb’s arms. His breath was on his lips.

“Mmmm, we would go to your room first if you want to discuss that.” Essek said. Caleb took a quick breath.

“Ja, we can do that.” Caleb said, nodding. But before the following kiss could steal his right mind away, Caleb stopped. It would be so easy to just lose himself in Essek’s willingness, but now that Essek was back, there were things that Caleb wanted to discuss. Essek tilted his head, curious- still close enough to taste- when Caleb wouldn’t continue to kiss him. Caleb licked his lips. This would be easier if Essek wasn’t in his arms.

“First, I’d like to talk about some stuff.” Caleb said.  
Essek nodded and gave a half smile and sigh.

“I was afraid of that.” Essek said, looking down. Caleb frowned. Essek just then heard himself , and immediately looked back up to Caleb. “Of course we can talk.”He said, holding Caleb’s gaze. “I left with much unsaid, and I must admit that was not one of my best decisions.” Caleb sighed. In many ways, Essek was too much like him.

“You said, before, you didn’t know how badly everything was affecting you.” Caleb said, and Essek glanced away, face tending towards a frown. Essek’s fingers closed and opened on the sleeves of Caleb’s shirt. “Did you know?” Caleb said.  
Essek bit his lips together and huffed.

“I knew I was frustrated with how I was being treated.” He said, rubbing the fabric together in his fingers. He looked back up to Caleb. “I didn’t know I was that close to breaking.”

“Has that happened before?” Caleb said, watching him closely. Essek dropped his eyes, and shook his head.

“Not with other people around. Aside from before the War ended.” Essek said. He leaned his cheek on Caleb’s shoulder and Caleb gave him a squeeze. “I’m sorry I upset you.” Essek said. Caleb took a deep breath, shrugged and sighed.

“You couldn’t have known.” Caleb said. His memory was hazy on who just within the group he had confided the details of his history with, it had been nice to just put off considering when to tell it to Essek. That probably wouldn’t be able to last now. Caleb swayed slightly, and Essk balanced against him.

“I’m going to aid the Cobalt Soul.” Essek said.

“You are?” Caleb said.

“Beauregard requested…” Essek said, but paused to think on it. “… gave as a condition on my remaining with the group, that I provide aid to the Cobalt Soul regarding the Cerberus Assembly.” Caleb took a long breath in. Beau had done something. Beau had done a very clever thing. Had Caleb been thinking clearly, he might have suggested the same thing.

“… I am glad you will be helping them.” Caleb said. Essek took a carefully controlled breath in, and out.

“You are not mad?” Essek said. At Essek? Of course not. Caleb tried to remember how he had spiraled so far to let all his worries be blamed on his friend.

“Maybe a bit disappointed in myself.” Caleb said. “For acting in such a way that Beauregard felt it better not to tell me.” Essek nodded.

“She is a very strong negotiator.” Essek said.  
“Ja.” Caleb smiled. “One of the best.” Essek was warm against him, and Caleb let his eyes shut. He would need to apologize to Beau. She had been his most loyal personal advocate as he fell for Essek, and she deserved more. Essek leaned back from his headrest, was distracted briefly looking at Caleb’s lips, and then brought his attention back to Caleb’s eyes. But after one more quick look.

“I think in general,” Essek said, “it would serve us both best to not interfere with the other’s involvement in such projects.” Essek rubbed Caleb’s arms. “You know I appreciate you offering help when I need it, but I also need to know you will let me make decisions on my own.” Caleb tilted his head. Sure, the time with Veth he had overstepped, but where had he done so again?

“When else have I overstepped?” Caleb said. Essek sighed, and shook his head.

“You haven’t.” Essek said. Essek looked at where he held Caleb’s arms and frowned. “I suppose I just want you to know I did not conceal Beauregard’s request to keep you in the dark. I just needed to decide for myself.” Essek said, and Caleb smiled.

“You make me quite proud.” Caleb said, and he smiled as Essek flushed slightly. Essek’s grip on Caleb’s sleeves tightened.

“There… is one other thing.” Essek said. Caleb turned his head to better hear him. Essek’s lips twitched and he turned away.

“Ja?” Caleb said, turning his head, once again. Essek was being funny. Essek’s eyes darted from Caleb’s face to the floor, he smiled and then tried to force it back into a neutral expression. Caleb breathed softly against Essek’s hair, waiting patiently. Essek bit his lower lip, then both of them together. He let go of Caleb’s shirt, rubbed his fingers over his lips, but could not prevent himself from smiling. Finally he gave up and just pressed his face into Caleb’s shoulder to be invisible. Caleb laughed and hugged him tighter.

“You are soooooo cute.” Caleb said and pressed a big ‘ol SMOOCH to Essek’s cheek. A dark flush ran up Essek’s neck and goose prickles rose on his skin. Caleb leaned his head on Essek’s and sighed. “Why are you so nervous?” Caleb said, rocking him gently. He could feel Essek’s heart pounding against his own steady rhythm. With Essek’s hands tucked to his chest, Caleb completely surrounded him. He would not look at Caleb, but smiled in a way that Caleb appreciated how brave he was being.

“I would… like to try more things with you.” Essek said, and rubbed his hands over the nape of his own neck. Caleb leaned and Essek moved his hands to cover his eyes, which also granted Caleb access to what had previously been unavailable. Caleb barely grazed Essek’s neck with his lips and felt Essek tense in his arms, and then shiver his weigh back onto Caleb.

“So wie das?” Caleb said. Essek was quiet.

“Common, please.” Essek said, face still covered, voice a little muffled. Caleb smiled and kissed Essek’s temple.

“Things like that?” Caleb said. Essek nodded vigorously. Caleb hugged him tighter and tried to lift him off the ground. Essek managed to stay on his toes, but Caleb held the entirety of him.

“Ooooooh you make me soooo happy.” Caleb told him.

“You are being ridiculous.” Essek said into his hands. Caleb could see the smile peeking out behind them.

“You are ridiculous.” Caleb said, and set him back on the ground with another kiss to the cheek. He ran his hands down Essek’s arms and Essek let his hands fall away from his face so Caleb could hold them. He was too embarrassed to look up, but his smile stayed.

“Hey.” Caleb said, and Essek quickly glanced up. Caleb blinked at him and gave his hands a little shake. “You will still tell me- if anything is unwanted or too much- and it will stop. No questions asked.”

“O-of course.” Essek said, and nodded.

“Good.” Caleb said and kissed him again. “MMMMmmmmwa!”

Essek finally laughed.

“How did I ever wind up attracted to you?” Essek said, still laughing. Caleb wrapped Essek up in his arms and turned in a small circle. Essek let his feet float off the ground, and for a moment, Caleb did as well. They floated together, turning slowly while the world was still around them. Essek came back.

He came back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Delectable tea? Or deadly poison?


	9. 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Essek meets Dairon again, Beau reviews how not to make friends. Caleb and Essek decompress.
> 
> *Smut chapter*

At the Valley Archive of Zadash, within a private room, a meeting took place. Two Expositors, one mediating, one interrogating. And him? Shadowhand of the Bright Queen? Prodigy of Dunamancy? Traitor to the Dynasty and liar to his friends? His cheek was bruised- numb, from Expositor Dairon’s strike. 

Of course it had been the housekeeper. 

Dairon sat across from him at a small table while Beauregard guarded the door and observed. Under Essek’s skin, his nerves fired for his arms to shake and tremble. He kept them still.

Dairon was unreadable. Shielded by what- a moral high ground? No, perhaps something that had shielded him in the past as well. Dairon had some connection to Beauregard, but to Essek’s knowledge, the position of Expositor did not normally lend itself to creating bonds. No one to loose, and a cause to die for.

“What is your relationship with Adeen Tasithar?” Dairon said. They took no notes, which Essek appreciated. His cheek twitched from the punch. Dairon glanced to Beauregard when he remained silent. Of course, Tasithar was the only piece of the puzzle Beauregard could not have briefed her colleague on in depth. 

“Adeen Tasithar,” Essek said, “was introduced to me by my younger brother.” He glanced to Beau and saw her eyebrows rise, but she remained silent. Dairon did not stop him from looking at Beau rather than them. “They trained together, and became romantically involved.” Essek said. It was all so long ago. He looked back to Expositor Dairon. Nothing. 

“I believed Adeen was using Verin to try and weasel his way into Den Theylss, probably to gain from the associated status.” Essek said with a shrug. In the corner of his eye, Beau frowned. “When I became suspicious of his intentions, my brother took it very personally. They broke up- and Verin has since refused to speak with me.” Beau glanced to Dairon, who remained focused on Essek. Professional.

“And this was your motivation to use Tasithar as a scapegoat?” Darion said. Essek smiled. Of course he had no intention of lying- nor could he- but he appreciated seeing the methodology of a rival organization. 

“You asked my relationship to him: that is it.” Essek said. He folded his hands, and sat up a little straighter, compensating for the pounding of his heart. “Adeen’s crimes, yet unproven to the Dynasty, are a separate matter.” Essek took a breath and glanced to Beau. She had seemed to peak in her distaste for him when she considered Tasithar his victim. Perhaps he might walk out of this interview with a better friend.“Den Tasithat has always had financial trouble.” He looked back to Dairon.“S,o Adeen was selling Kryn Weapons and technology to nomadic tribes to the south as well as unaffiliated weapons dealers- pirates, bandits. And some peculiar cultists that I doubt he ever intended to know past being customers.”

“This was the Angel of Irons Cult?” Dairon said.

“Indeed. Some, 20 or 25 years ago.” Essek said. “When I confronted him about the smuggling, he threatened to reveal private information about Den Theylss. He claimed that he was being purposefully denied a rise through the ranks due to a bias towards the lesser dens. So I advocated on his behalf, called in a few favors, and he was appointed as Taskhand. His financial troubles vanished, and the smuggling and attempted blackmailing stopped.” Essek shrugged. It had been clean, the way he had wanted it to be. “The only victim was the crown’s coffers. There is even, possibly, an argument to be made that Adeen was right about being denied advancement due to his Den. He was neither extraordinary or sub-par as a solider before entering the court in Rosohna, but the Bright Queen liked him, and the matter was done.” Essek let his face fall into a grim neutrality, tensing his toes in his shoes.

“Did the Cerberus Assembly conspire to advance the Angel of Irons cult as a means to cover their involvement in the theft of the Beacons?”

“Not to my knowledge.” Essek said, and remained sitting perfectly straight. “I had nothing to do directly with Adeen becoming involved with the Angel of Irons, though I believe his meetings with Vence were probably what led to him becoming further compromised.”

“I think it’s safe to say the Cult and the Assembly were both trying to use the war and suspicion about each other to deter investigations.” Beau said. Dairon nodded. Essek looked between them.

“That would be my conclusion as well.” Essek said. Darion nodded. They looked to Beauregard and exhaled.

“Well, unless there is anything else you believe relevant to my judgement of this individual’s character,” Dairon said, and turned back to Essek. “I am ready to discuss your knowledge of, and involvement with, the Assembly.” They settled back into their chair. Like a mongoose ready to descend into a pit of vipers. Beauregard shifted from where she leaned against the wall. 

“Nope.” She said, and took a seat beside Essek at the table. Essek chided himself for wanting to shrink away from her, and unintentionally shifted a little in his seat. Beau scooted an inch further from him. 

“Wonderful.” Dairon said, and crossed their arms to listen to the tale they must have been trying to piece together for the past three years. “Please start from the beginning.”

Beauregard showed a disguised Essek to a quiet courtyard after three hours of interviewing. She took a seat on the edge of a planted and stretched. Essek remained nearby, but did not sit. He looked about and kept his arms crossed. Whatever. 

“You did good in there.” Beau said, smiling. “I'm proud of you.” Essek turned his head slightly, but continued brooding and would not look at or join her. Beau stretched her eyes wide a moment and exhaled a silent ‘okay. He was stressed- she didn’t have to guess about that. She stood, and took a step to be closer to him.

She patted him on the back- well, she meant to, it was more of a slap- and accidentally knocked the wind from him.

“OOF.” He said, and doubled over, one hand to his knee, the other at his chest, gasping. Beau grimaced at her overestimation of his constitution. She looked at her hand, feeling the air, cooler across her palm now. Essek’s tunic stuck to his back where she’d slapped it. Yeah okay maybe _really_ stressed.

“Whoops.” Beau said, frowning. “Sorry.” Essek glanced over his shoulder, glaring at her, though it was significantly less threatening with the sweating and gulping air. She reached out to pat him twice more, very lightly this time. Essek remained doubled over, and his back bowed away from her touch. Beau pulled her hand back. Okay, no touching.

Once upright and breathing properly, Essek crossed his arms. His fingers fidgeted on his sleeves, though they stilled once he noticed her watching. He kept his head turned away. 

“…Can we go now?” Essek said. Beau frowned.

“Yeah, alright.” She said, and gestured towards the tower where her Expository accommodations were. They could teleport in relative privacy there. 

“You sure you’re alright?” Beau said. “Need to take a second?” Essek balled his fists.

“I’m _fine.”_ He said. Then he took a breath, and forced a neutral expression. His hands were still fists. “I am very tired.” He said. Beau looked him up and down. She had been around Essek when he got bitchy before.

“Uh huh.” She said.

Beau waited for him to show he could hold it together before she would take him back in the building. He finally took a deep breath in through his nose, out through his mouth, and unclenched his fists.

“I would simply- very much like to get home.” Essek said.

Beau had seen how he’d twitched at every little sound since arriving: every door opening and closing, windows and floorboards squeaking. How the hell were they going to take on the Cerberus Assembly when the best wizards they had were turned to jelly at the thought of them? Beau sighed.

“Yeah, man.” She said, and turned to open the door. “Sorry for hitting you.” Essek nodded.

“It is forgiven.” He said.

He followed close behind her as they walked up the stairs to her rooms. Once inside, Essek moved to the middle of the floor and held out a hand expectantly. When Beau shut the door a little slowly, Essek’s face twitched. 

“Are you coming?” He said. Beau locked the door, like a responsible, normal fucking human being, and glared over her shoulder. 

“Yeah, in a fucking minute.” She said, and Essek held her gaze, scowling. Fine, he was stressed. Didn’t mean he had to be an asshole about it. She crossed into his space and held a finger to his chest. Essek shrunk back a step, eyes darting from her her to her face.

“But first I’m gonna make something real clear.” Beau said. “You’re safe here- alright? You need a breakdown? Have a fucking breakdown.” 

Essek’s deflated a bit and looked to the floor, frowning. He shuffled his feet and straightened from leaning away. Yeah. Like a small dog in a corner. Beau shut her eyes, sighed, and dropped her hand so it flopped to her side. 

“I get it,” She said. “you’re stressed, and you’re trying to keep it together.” She brought her hand to her own chest. “But I’m your handler, and I’m gonna protect you. And I’m your _friend._ ” Beau said, and crossed her arms with a frown. “So stop treating me like everything I fucking do is designed to make your life harder.” 

She stood up taller, looking down to him. Essek stared at her, and for a second she thought he might just decide he’d had enough and teleport back to Rosohna alone. But he held her eyes for a moment longer, and then looked away, with a heavy sigh.

“…I am sorry, Beauregard.” Essek said. A start. She let him simmer in the shifted perspective.

“…You need a minute?” Beau said. She opened her arms. “You want a hug or something?” Essek shook his head, and took a step back.

“No, thank you.” Essek said. The corners of his mouth briefly twitched up into a smile. “I’m very tired, I would like to go home.” Beau sighed and nodded.

“Yeah. Okay, let’s go.” Beau said. “Could you send a message to Caleb first? Let him know we’re coming?” Essek clearly didn’t want Beau’s help, but she had an inkling who’s he did.  
Essek nodded and quickly cast the incantation.  
“We are on our way back. See you shortly.” Essek said. Then he held out a hand, unpleasantly warm, which Beau took. They teleported home.

Essek was quiet on the way back to his house, and Caleb didn’t say anything, but followed as Essek drifted ahead. Caleb went over in his brain what he was capable of cooking so that perhaps Essek could just relax. He supposed it would really depend on what Essek kept stocked in his kitchen. 

When they reached the house, Essek remained silent, shucked off his cloak and mantle(retrieved from the Xhorhaus), and drifted off, deeper into the house. Caleb hung up his coat and watched Essek go with a sigh. He snapped Frumpkin into existence, and the cat followed Caleb upstairs to the reading nook. He pulled the Ancient Zemnian text from the bookshelf and settled on the couch to start reading. Frumpkin jumped up took a glance at the book before curling up beside Caleb. Caleb scratched his ears. This would be even lovelier were Essek there as well. 

“Go find him, ja?” Caleb said, and Frumpkin lifted his head with a chirrup. “Go. Even if you are just sharing the room with him.” The cat leapt up and trotted off. Caleb watched him go, considered sending a message to Essek, but instead settled back on the couch and kept reading. 

After about an hour and a half, Caleb heard footsteps accompanied by the bop-bop-bop of cat paws running ahead. Frumpkin leapt up on the couch, stepping directly on the book, so Caleb let it be pinned under the cat rather than have a page tear. 

“Oooookay.” He said. And Frumpkin cocked his ears back, stared at Caleb, and went tearing around the room. He heard a laugh. Essek walked in barefoot, wearing a soft-looking robe. His skin was still slightly flushed from a bath, and he was smiling as Frumpkin went galloping out. Essek sat next to Caleb, pulling his legs up onto the couch and lifting one of Caleb’s arms to drape over himself. Caleb pulled his legs up as well and shifted so Essek could lie back on his chest. Essek wedged between Caleb and the back of the couch, but still allowed Caleb the room to read. Frumpkin jumped back onto the couch and curled into a perfect ball on Essek’s hip. The cat stared at Caleb and meowed. 

“He is a terror when you are not watching.” Essek said quietly. “I used to have 6 candles in the bathroom. Now I have 4.” 

Caleb smiled and kissed Essek’s damp hair. 

“You want to do anything?” Caleb said. Essek sighed.

“Perhaps in a little while.” He said, and shut his eyes, letting his arm stretch over Caleb’s chest. Caleb picked up the book, and let himself be re-absorbed while Essek dozed.

In another 20 minutes or so, Essek stirred, and nuzzled his face to Caleb’s chest. Caleb told Frumpkin to find other ways to occupy himself, and the cat gracefully picked his way down their bodies and left. The perfect wingman. Caleb set the book down on the floor, and traced his finger’s along Essek’s arm up to the sleeve of his robe. Essek’s eyes blinked open briefly, and he lifted his head, perhaps a little disoriented.

“Good nap?” Caleb said. Essek focused back on Caleb and kissed him before settling back down with a sigh. The robe he wore was soft and fluffy, with wide enough sleeves Caleb could easily reach all the way up to Essek’s shoulders. Caleb’s other arm, Essek grabbed and moved to his rear, which wasn’t quite close enough to touch. Essek’s eyes opened, judged the length of Caleb’s arms compared to how they were laying, and scooted himself more onto Caleb’s front. Essek nestled his head aside Caleb’s neck, and reiterated his desires by positioning Caleb’s hand directly on his barely covered bottom.

Caleb swallowed. Essek’s breath was steady and warm against him, and he could feel the slight flutter of Essek’s eyelashes on his skin. The fabric of the robe wanted to slide down the small of Essek’s back, and Caleb would only have to take his hand away, and gravity would do the rest. Still, better to ask first. He crawled his fingers on the fabric until they graced skin instead. Essek let out a long breath on Caleb’s collarbones.

“Is this okay?” Caleb said. Essek nodded and turned to further obfuscate his face. Caleb willed his body to remain calm as he let the robe fall away. With Essek under his jaw, Caleb couldn’t see what he was doing, but he could feel. For a while Caleb just tickled his fingertips along the softness of Essek’s skin. A great deal more rewarding to touch than the expensive fabrics he usually encountered. He felt Essek kiss his jaw, and Caleb gave a light squeeze to his bottom. Essek took a handful of Caleb’s shirt, and a slow breath in, followed by a shaky breath out. Caleb tucked his chin to let his cheek rest on Essek’s head. 

“You want me to stop, just move away a little, okay?” Caleb said. “I’ll keep my hand here.” Essek nodded against him. Caleb let his palm spread over Essek’s ass and gave another gentle squeeze. He felt Essek tense and shiver as he breathed. But when Essek shifted his hips, he did not do so to move away. Rather, he pushed a firming pressure against Caleb’s hip. Caleb kissed Essek’s hair and gave his bottom a press with just his palm before following up with constricting his fingers. 

“You do what you want with that, hm?” Caleb said, and started running his other hand over the structure of Essek. He pressed Essek’s hip with his palm and smoothed the curve of his lower back. He felt the bumps of his spine and Essek lifted his chest briefly to allow the robe to be pushed up to his ribs and shoulders. Anytime Caleb glanced down, all he could see was a folded collection of fluffy fabric, and his own feet way down at the other end of the couch. Essek’s breathing steadied out as Caleb massaged his rear with one hand and traced his shoulder blades and ribs with the other.

Caleb shifted himself slightly. His own dick was doing a poor job of remaining calm. With Essek’s body warm and slack over him, Caleb supposed he couldn’t blame it. He bit the inside of his lip. They had never gotten this far before. He would kick himself if he made Essek uncomfortable now. Essek lifted his head, blinking in the light of the room, and pushed himself up. The robe fell back down his back so Caleb’s hand was surrounded in warmth. Caleb silently thanked whatever Gods might be involved that Essek didn’t hear how hard Caleb’s heart was pounding in that moment. Essek’s leaned close to Caleb’s face, his breath hot across Caleb’s lips. Essek kissed him, Caleb felt he would surely evaporate with how his blood seemed to fizz with excitement. Caleb also realized how chapped his lips had become when they were contrasted with Essek’s. Caleb retreated to lick them, and Essek tilted his head with a smile.

“Mm.” Caleb muttered. “Sorry. It- should be better now- less dry.” Essek’s lips curled into a grin and he snorted a laugh before kissing Caleb again.

“You are ridiculous.” Essek said, and brought his hands up from Caleb’s neck into his hair. Caleb’s mind went hazy as Essek’s nails scratched along his scalp. He squeezed Essek’s ass, and felt a slickness between the cheeks he hadn’t quite been expecting. Essek pinched his eyes shut for just a moment and he buried his face back against Caleb’s neck, still rubbing his fingers through Caleb’s hair. Caleb’s hands were frozen- locked in the desire to explore further and the fear it would no longer be appreciated. Essek greatly aided the decision to continue when he ground his hips down against Caleb and started kissing and nibbling his neck. Caleb’s eyes slid shut at this point, trying to imagine what his hands felt. He heard a small sound from Essek’s throat when Caleb’s finger dipped down between his legs. Caleb found a smooth, hard base. He tugged at it, forgetting himself for a moment, and Essek kissed him harder. 

Essek shifted his hips so his cock was pressed up to Caleb’s crotch. Caleb’s skin burned against his trousers. Caleb put his fingers to the end of the toy and gave it a slight push. Essek gasped and panted, turning and hiding his forehead in the crook of Caleb’s neck. Essek’s hands left Caleb’s hair to tangle in his shirt again. Caleb’s eyes flew open.

“Too much?” Caleb said, his own breath coming heavily. Being below Essek was getting a little too warm now, but he dared not protest. Essek quickly shook his head against Caleb’s neck, and even pushed off his knees slightly to rock the toy in Caleb’s grip. Essek lifted one hand to further cover his face, even though Caleb already couldn’t see him. Caleb doubled down on focusing on Essek, but his mind snuck a workaround. Caleb’s cock ached while his hands moved the toy in and out of Essek, and for a wonderful, horrid, moment, his brain told his body it _was_ his cock that was the cause of all those fantastic little noises. Caleb groaned, and his hand slid up Essek’s spine up to the back of his neck and gripped there. He pushed up from his legs and lifted Essek slightly, baring his full weight on his cock. Caleb gave the toy a weak push and pull, but his legs shook from holding Essek aloft and he lowered back down to the couch.

“ _Essek_.” Caleb said, carefully minding each breath. Essek peeked from under his hand. 

“Hm?” Was all the response he gave. Caleb laughed. So cute.

“I am, ah, “ Caleb said. “Wondering if you would mind, if I divided my attention.” Caleb swallowed. “And touched myself as well.” Essek rose and fell slightly with the sheer amount ofair going in and out of Caleb’s chest. Essek nosed up to Caleb’s cheek and kissed him there.

“I don’t mind.” Essek said, and trailed his lips down to give a light nip at Caleb’s jaw. “But I’d rather take care of you myself.” Caleb could feel the heat rise over his cheeks and ears and laughed. His hand left Essek’s bottom and Caleb pushed his own hair back from where it was mussed and sticking to his face. He had a moment of appreciation for Essek’s want to hide his expressions. 

“You would make it a little hard to focus on you, doing that.” Caleb said. Essek pushed himself up, and encompassed Caleb. His robe fell over his shoulders and draped around their heads like a curtain. Essek’s hair tickled Caleb’s forehead as he leaned down.

“Should I stop?” Essek said, his lips hovering over Caleb’s, but not low enough to kiss him. Caleb felt sweat gathering in his hair, and flexed his arm, pulling the back of Essek’s neck downwards. He craned his chin towards Essek.

“No.” Caleb said, and their lips came together. Essek’s vigor was of course too much for Caleb’s wound nerves. He brought his hand back to the toy and set an erratic pace. Essek cringed and pulled back from their kiss. 

“Slower- slower, slower slower.” Essek said and Caleb immediately backed off.

“Sorry.” Caleb said, and rubbed over his face again. “Ah.” Caleb tipped his head back when one of Essek’s hands rubbed over the crotch of his pants. “ _Please_ keep doing that.” Caleb said. As he swallowed he felt Essek’s teeth lightly bite down on his throat, sliding just a little in the sweat gathering there. Caleb rocked his hips into the delightful pressure Essek provided.

“Gods, Essek.” Caleb screwed his eyes shut. He tried to go back to the steady push and pull that Essek had enjoyed before, but no matter what Caleb did, his hips would buck, his hand would shake. Just with the cover from the robe, their trapped breath beneath it created a sauna on Caleb’s head. Essek didn’t seem to mind, as he ground against Caleb’s hips and hummed when Caleb’s hands moved to his waist. Caleb could feel the heat of Essek’s cock on his, separated by an accursed layer of clothing. But the air in his lungs felt thick and humid, and it wasn’t exactly comfortable. When Essek’s hand pulled on Caleb’s waistband, Caleb carefully grasped his wrist and gently moved it, which Essek allowed. Caleb dropped his head back, gasping, and let his eyes close as he puffed out his cheeks on an exhale. Anything to cool off. For a little while, he just laid there and breathed.

“Caleb?” Essek said, and Caleb felt a light touch at his cheek. Caleb nodded. 

“Ja, I am okay.” Caleb said, and opened his eyes. Essek sat up, and Caleb shut his eyes again with the return of light. The robe fell back down Essek’s back. Caleb wiped the sweat from his eyes and smiled. Essek’s hair was a mess, and he looked as sleepy and warm as when they had started. Caleb felt like he was on fire. “Just overheating a little. I don’t want to pass out on you.”Caleb laid back and breathed for a moment, and felt Essek’s hands working at the buttons on his shirt. That was good. At least Essek had not gotten so concerned he wanted to stop. The air was cool where it met his skin and Caleb sighed.

Then, his skin felt _very_ cold. Caleb shifted his shoulders and clenched his teeth. Wisps of mist were coming off Essek’s hands were they made contact with Caleb’s skin. 

“Scheisse.” Caleb said, and touched Essek wrists. Caleb removed his palms from his chestand held the backs of Essek’s hands against face. A much more manageable temperature. Essek snickered. 

“What? I was helping.” He said, still smiling and giggling. Caleb pressed Essek’s palms to his neck and breathed. Way too cold, but exactly what he needed. Caleb cocked a brow at Essek.

“Ich zeige dir ‘helfen’(I’ll show you ‘helping’)…” Caleb said, and before Essek could make a face or say anything in return, Caleb rocked himself up to kiss him. Essek smiled, and laid back down chest to chest, and held Caleb’s face in his cool hands. Caleb shivered, and held Essek’s waist flush against himself with one arm while he pushed them more upright with the other. Caleb held Essek still with a kiss, and then turned his chin to breath over Essek’s ear. Essek shivered and ducked back down under Caleb’s chin, at which point Caleb took Essek by the shoulders and gently turned him. When Essek stiffened, Caleb turned his head, kissing and nipping at Essek’s ear. Essek shivered and the smallest noise stuttered and stuck in his closed mouth. Essek took back his hands to cover his face. 

Caleb turned Essek slowly, kissing his chilled skin, until he was seated with his back to Caleb’s chest. The soft robe had grown pleasantly cool to Caleb’s touch. Caleb held one hand across Essek’s chest where he could feel Essek’s heart pounding, and let the other dip back between his legs. Essek’s lips parted and Caleb listened to him breath. Caleb tried to find the end of the toy, but at this angle it was impossible. Essek held his head against Caleb’s collarbone and turned his face away from Caleb, opening the line of his neck. Caleb kissed him there, painstakingly gentle and slow. Shakily, Essek lifted one leg up over Caleb’s knee, letting his hips turn and be pushed up by Caleb’s.Caleb huffed a breath onto Essek’s ear and he rocked his hips with a small sound, his cock pinned beneath Essek’s back. Caleb reached over Essek’s middle, down between his legs, and took the toy in his fingers. Essek gasped and turned his head back under Caleb’s chin, his jaw tight. When Caleb started to pump the toy again, Essek moved Caleb’s wrist a few degrees lower so there was a slight angle to each thrust. Essek demonstrated the proper depth and pace, and Caleb kissed from Essek’s ear- relishing in the shiver it caused. Essek allowed Caleb to take over, and Caleb continued kissing down his jaw to his neck, to nipping at his shoulder. All the while, pumping the toy how Essek had shown him, and every third movement or so, Essek squirmed and panted against Caleb’s grip over his chest. 

“Too much?” Caleb said, and Essek pressed their cheeks together.

“No.” Essek said, breathing hard. “I am just… _very_ close.” His voice edged higher as Caleb moved the toy again.

Caleb kissed the same trail, from ear to shoulder, holding Essek tightly as his back muscles twitched and his toes curled in anticipation. Caleb focused on the spot that Essek had angled him toward and gave the toy a slight tremor in his grasp as he pushed and pulled. Essek’s breath halted and he froze his hips so as not to change Caleb’s positioning. Essek turned his head to press his forehead into Caleb’s temple, his breath catching. 

“…Caleb…!” Essek said. His chest heaved when he came, and the small moans and sounds he made set Caleb’s heart burning. Essek rocked his hips back on the toy, gasping and failing to silence little noises of pleasure. Caleb turned his head and nudged down to Essek’s mouth before he could effectively hide away, and kissed him. Quick, successive kisses, so Essek could still breath as his orgasm shook through him. Essek kissed him back, languid in his movements. Caleb pressed his lips to Essek’s jaw, his cheek, and his temple as he trembled and simmered. Essek’s leg flopped down from where it had hooked over Caleb’s knee. Caleb’s cock still sat heavy in his lap, but it seemed unimportant. Essek felt light atop Caleb: tender, giddy with pleasure. Caleb snuggled into Essek’s neck and wrapped his arms around him, holding him to his chest as he sat up. 

“You are so cute.” Caleb said into his skin. Essek snorted and kicked Caleb’s leg. Caleb nuzzled him harder until Essek laughed. He squirmed, still laughing as Caleb held him and pressed more and more kisses to the back of his neck. Caleb’s fingers tickled over Essek’s arms and finally Essek bonked him with the back of his head. Caleb released him and Essek shook his shoulders and slipped the robe off. Caleb traced small circles on Essek’s hips and tipped his nose against Essek’s neck to sigh into his skin.

“You are…..” Essek said, still laughing, and wiped down his front with the robe. “… _by far_ , the silliest genius I have ever known.” Essek leaned back on Caleb and kissed his brow before reaching between his legs and carefully removing the toy. Caleb left his cheek pressed into Essek’s shoulder while he took a moment to focus and be careful, and after a brief clean up, Essek tossed the whole bundle off to the side. He shifted to sit more sideways in Caleb’s lap, and let his hand trail down Caleb’s clothes. Caleb watched Essek smile and blink slowly.

“And the only one I have loved.” Essek said, encouraged Caleb into laying back down. Essek sprawled half in the gap between Caleb and the back of the couch, and half across Caleb. Caleb wrapped his arms around him and kissed the top of his head. Essek sunk down into him, and his breathing became regular and sweeping.

“Nap time again?” Caleb said, trailing his fingers over Essek’s cheek. Caleb could feel his own heart thudding regularly against Essek’s.

“Mmmmhmmm.” Essek said, smiling with his eyes closed. Caleb held him steady, and reached off the couch to where the Ancient Zemnian book had fallen. He read quietly while Essek napped, until he finally noticed Essek was in fact, awake. His eyes were darting over the lines of the book. Caleb kissed his head. Sure, _he_ was silly. Essek looked to see Caleb watching him, and pointed to a line.

“What does that say?” Essek said. Caleb roughly translated. Essek continued to scan the book, pointing at lines. And this one? Here? Caleb started to read aloud. Essek listened quietly.

“Stories?” He said. 

“It is a collection of fairy tales.” Caleb said. Essek shut his eyes and smiled.

“Hmm.” Essek considered, and settled back down and shut his eyes.

“Well, then you will have to read me a story.” Essek said. Caleb smiled to himself. He flipped through the book to one he recognized, though it was sure to be a little different. Caleb read, and Essek listened, all the way to the end.

“…The Prince was beside himself with grief, and in his despair he sprang out of the window.” Caleb read. Essek blinked his eyes open. “He was not killed, but his eyes were scratched out by the thorns among which he fell. He wandered about blind in the wood and had nothing but roots and berried to eat.”* Caleb read. Essek looked at the book and frowned. Caleb continued.

“…Two of his tears fell upon his eyes, and they immediately grew quite clear and he could see ass well as ever. He took her to his kingdom, where he was received with joy, and they lived long and happily together.”* Caleb said, and watched Essek’s face.

“….Certainly a fairy tale.” Essek said, and closed his eyes on Caleb’s chest again. 

“Not one for happy endings?” Caleb said.

“Not at all.” Essek said, and smiled. “Not one for a prince that would defenestrate himself into a bramble patch.” Caleb laughed.

“You think he should have fought the witch?” Caleb said. Essek smiled.

“He wouldn’t have to. He should have learned dunamancy.”

*Brother's Grimm, _Grimms' Fairy Tales,_ translated by E.V. Lucas, Lucy Crane, and Marian Edwards. Grosset & Dunlap 1945

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My dudes there is like 40minutes of content where Tasithar is present or mentioned so I am GRASPING at fucking straws. 
> 
> Ya'll are real sweet with the comments <3 stay safe all


	10. 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Friendship is hard, and Caleb prepares to tackle his own demons. Essek deals with an internal dilemma.

Beau raised her knuckles up to Caleb’s door for a third time. Just knock.

Caleb and Essek had gotten back together. Everything was calmed down( for the moment). Beau let her hand drop again and clenched it into a fist.  
Essek was clearly still volatile, even if he wasn’t actively trying to fuck them over. To her own and Dairon’s best assessment, he wasn’t even trying to lie. Just continuing to be an irritatingly condescending asshole.  
Right now though? She and Caleb hadn’t said more than ‘you need the bathroom?’ in six weeks. It almost felt preferable to track Essek down and ask him for a damn teleport than try Caleb, her _fucking housemate_. Beau tipped her head back. Don’t be such a bitch about this. She groaned loudly.

“CALEB!”

There was shuffling from within the room, and the door opened just enough for Caleb to push his head out. He stared at her, up and down.

“Hello.” Caleb said. Beau scratched the back of her head. His face was perfectly neutral, like she might as well be a stranger.

“Hey,” Beau said. “I just needed to ask you something.” The words processed through Caleb’s head. Did he have to translate everything into Zemnian? Man that would be annoying.

“Ja, okay.” He said. “Shoot.” Beau stared at him expectantly. Caleb blinked at her.

“Can I come in?” Beau said. Caleb blinked again, looked back into his room, and then back to her. God was she about to walk in on something? Were wizards known for wasting spells on booty calls?

“Of course.” He said, and held the door open to her. “Please.”  
Beau walked in and appraised the room. Bed made, drawers pushed in, trunk closed, desk a mess.

“I’m not interrupting anything?” Beau said. Caleb looked around.

“Uh, not that I know of.” Caleb said. Beau nodded.

“Anyway, I was wondering if you could teleport me to Zadash tomorrow.” Beau said. “I’’m meeting up with Dairon and was hoping you could gimme a lift .” Caleb nodded.

“Yeah, that’s no problem.” He said, and pressed his lips together, eyes flicking back and forth as he thought over something. Beau narrowed her eyes. What was he thinking? “Could I tell you something?” He said.

“Yeah, shoot.” Beau said, part of her hoping just a little bit it might be an apology. Caleb gathered his ideas a moment longer, and took a breath.

“I think it would be helpful, to the Cobalt Soul, to have a firsthand account of Scouger training.” Caleb said, his voice lifting into that little lilt he got whenever he was getting worried over something. Beau raised a brow, thought about it, and sighed.

“Probably.” Beau said, crossing her arms. “Are you offering one?” Caleb nodded and blinked slowly. He furrowed his brow slightly, like it was the most obvious thing in the world he’d want to reveal his traumatic past to her organization. It’s not like he’d had the opportunity all along or anything.

“If there is anything I can do to assist in cutting the rot from our country, I am more than willing to do it.” Caleb said, going all grim-dark. Beau raised a hand.

“Yeah, I got that.” Beau said. “You think you’d be okay being pressed about it? Getting asked for specifics?” Caleb looked at the ground and laughed dryly.

“Perhaps not immediately.” He said. Beau frowned. Self destructive wasn’t a new look for him, but that didn’t make it a good one. “But I still want to do it. It is something I can do to help.” He said, locking her eyes.

“Why now?” Beau said. Caleb shook his head, glanced away for just a moment, but smiled.

“I was thinking it might help to… complete the picture.” Caleb said. “With Essek providing his side of the story.” Caleb shrugged. “I’m a little jealous, I suppose, that he is strong enough to.” Beau shook her head.

“He’s not stronger than you.” Beau said. Caleb looked at her. Fuck. Now she had to explain what that meant. “Did he tell you that I had to blackmail him into it?” Beau said. Caleb smiled.

“He mentioned it, yes.” Caleb said. Beau looked Caleb over. He’d been out and about with Essek a lot since they… reconciled? Fucked it out? You know what- she didn’t need to know.

“Did he mention the whole ‘leave and never return thing’?” Beau said. Caleb frowned.

“Not in those exact words.” Caleb said. That seemed to hit something of a nerve. He ran his hand over his hair. “I’m sorry, when was this?” He said.

“Right before you little lover’s spat.” Beau said. She was digging herself in deep. “He told me, if his presence was going to ruin our friendship- the Mighty Nein’s friendships- that he would beat it.” Beau said. “Run away, and never return.”  
Caleb’s eyes darted back and forth over the ground. She would have been suspicious of it, if Essek could have had any way of knowing she had offered the same thing to save their people suffering. But maybe in a moment of weakness, she believed him. And she was…. Beau sighed, and Caleb looked back up to her, mouth beginning to open.

“Don’t-“ Beau said, and Caleb closed his mouth. “-say I’m just like him.” Beau said. She rubbed her temples. Caleb shrugged.

“I wasn’t going to.” He said. Well. Good. “You have had some time to speak with him? Since then?” Called said. Beau cocked a brow.

“Yeah, he was being a real dick about going home after we finished his interview.” Beau said. Caleb frowned.

“Yes he certainly was out of sorts when I saw him too.” Caleb said. Beau sighed. Two emotionally unhinged assholes, sitting in a tree. And all their idiot friends waiting to catch them if they fell.

“I’m sure he’s pretty stressed out by all of it.” Beau said. Caleb nodded. “He like you?” She said. “Ever kinda… loose touch when things get too much?”

“Not to my knowledge.” Caleb said, glancing away a moment. “He certainly has a breaking point, but everyone does.”

“Any indicators when that breaking point is gets near?” Beau said. That gave Caleb pause.

“Not… hmm. No. He is very good at hiding it.” Caleb said. Well, that wasn’t horribly surprising.

“Just cause you’re good at hiding it, doesn’t mean stuff doesn’t get to you.” Beau said. Caleb nodded.

“You are a lot like him.” Caleb said.

“Oh fuck you, Caleb.” Beau said. Caleb looked mock taken aback.

“Well maybe not that much like him.” Caleb said. Beau rolled her eyes, and stifled a laugh. Caleb let a smile slip through, but when she matched him, he glanced away. Beau straightened up, and watched him.

“I… acted selfishly.” Caleb said. “Before. Maybe I thought I had a right to have something I wanted with no conditions upon it.” He looked at Beau. “But I upset people I care about. Veth, you…. Essek.” Caleb blinked. Beau raised a brow, but didn’t press. Caleb smiled mournfully. “I am done being on the sidelines to this. I won’t see you all walk alone into the hell I knew.” Beau smirked, and shrugged.  
Gods he could be dramatic. Not that it wasn’t seriously fucked up, what he went through, and not that she wasn’t happy for a mostly- apology. But if Caleb was serious about dredging up his own bullshit, it was going to be rough.

“Have you told Essek you wanna do this?” She said. Caleb’s lips formed a line.

“No.” Caleb said.

“You want to see if maybe he can come along, for moral support?” Beau shrugged. “I’ll be there, but I’m not gonna like, tenderly hold you while you cry your feelings out.” Caleb gave her a look, and then blinked and looked at the floor.

“Ja, maybe.” He said. He sat heavily on his bed. “I think it is also just time that he knew.” Beau blinked. He hadn’t told him still? Or Essek hadn’t asked? Damn.

“You don’t owe him all your secrets.” Beau said, and joined him. Caleb let her eye. “It’s not like he was ever perfectly upfront with us.” Caleb frowned.

“He…” Caleb laughed to himself and shook his head, smiling. He gazed over to Beau. “He is getting there.” Caleb said.

Welp. That was her cue to be on her way. She stood up, and Caleb quickly followed.

“I’ll get out of your hair.” Beau said. “Would like, 8am work tomorrow?”

“Uh, ja.” Caleb said. He stared at her a moment longer, and then began to raise his arms slowly- one heading for her side and the other towards her shoulder. He gave her a questioning tilt of his head. She grabbed him and squeezed tight.  
Caleb’s hugs were never good, but they were from him.

_Heeeeeey! I’m calling for Caleb- could you come with him to Zadash? It’s nothing to worry about, he just doesn’t want to repeat himself._

Essek looked up from his paperwork. The walls of his office in the Lucid Bastion loomed tall around him.Bookshelves, ceiling to floor. He rubbed his temples. Surely, Caleb knew what a delicate process it was for him to slip away unnoticed into an enemy country.

“How soon would we need to depart?” Essek sent back. “It is not easy to find the time on short notice. Perhaps we can discuss this in person?” Essek sent back. Vague enough that prying ears wouldn’t know the context. He made notes of a few more reports and tapped his pen on the table.

_Tomorrow, if possible. Sorry it’s such short notice. He says he can meet you at your house. To talk._

Always felt ominous, that phrase.

“I will return within the next few hours. He knows how to let himself in.” Essek said. He was struck with the image of Jester giving Caleb a hard time over that fact. Essek smiled. “Thank you, Jester.”  
Essek leaned back in his chair and looked up at the ceiling. A mobile of their solar system hung with an annoyingly off rate of rotation. Most planets wizzed past while the earth crawled on its axis. Someday he would fix it, among other things. Essek frowned, and rubbed his eyes. It was fine to go slowly. And Caleb…. Caleb said he was fine with that too.

Hours later, Essek left his chambers and was greeted by a familiar spotted and striped shape. The lone cat, trotting straight towards him, drew a few curious glances.

“Mer-owr-owr-owr!” Frumpkin chirruped. The familiar slipped under Essek’s cloak and wound around his legs. Caleb must have gotten impatient. Essek’s stomach turned. Not impatient. Bored maybe. Lonely…. Lonely might be as bad as impatient. Essek drifted back and Frumpkin’s head pushed out from under the purple hem of his robes. He trotted back in the direction of the Firmaments. Essek drifted after him, following his straight-up tail like a beacon. They returned home.

Caleb was in the reading nook, seemingly his preferred place to wait on Essek’s sensibilities. Frumpkin jumped up on the back of the couch and Caleb looked over his shoulder as Essek approached.

“I could get used to coming home to this.” Essek said, feeling a smile spread over his face. Caleb smiled back, looking a little tired.

“Welcome home.” Caleb said. He looked at Essek a moment longer, and then quickly to Frumpkin. “I hope you weren’t rushed.” He said. Essek leaned on the back of the couch and stroked the cat. No fur to fill the air.

“I maintained my standard schedule.” Essek said, and came around the front of the couch to sit. “Though I am curious what….discussion has afforded this visit. Not that you are unwelcome.”  
Caleb smiled. No lightning wit comeback, no teasing or flirting. He just blinked slowly, and let his face slide back into a frown. Essek felt a spike of worry in his heart, on multiple fronts. Better safe than… well. Essek gestured and whispered a quick incantation.  
No magical essence about Caleb outside of the standard. He took Caleb’s chin and turned his head from side to side, which made Caleb smile and lean into the touch a little. Essek nearly flinched away, but stubbornly let Caleb press his cheek to his palm. Control yourself, it’s Caleb.  
No unusual marks. Caleb just seemed sad and tired.  
Caleb sighed in Essek’s grasp, and took his hand- which sent Essek’s heart thumping. Caleb held his hand in his lap and stared at it, feeling along each joint. Damn this not knowing. Essek licked his lips. His nerves tingled to jerk away, but he forced himself to breath and ignore it. He almost wished for some obvious ailment to blame for this- in both of their cases. Essek leaned over a bit, to draw Caleb’s eye.

“Are you alright?” Essek said. Caleb smiled.

“As I ever am.” He said.

“So, not alright.” Essek said. Caleb took a deep breath in, and nodded. Essek’s mind flitted over possible causes. This had something to do with ‘not repeating himself’?

 _You will still tell me- if anything is unwanted or too much- and it will stop. No questions asked._  
Essek swallowed hard, and tried to give a comforting smile. No need to panic yet. Essek’s tendons and muscles tingled with the urge to ‘flight’.

“I am going to testify to the Cobalt Soul.” Caleb said. His gaze dropped back down to where they held hands. “About my experiences as a student under Ikithon.” Caleb took a shallow breath. Essek squeezed his hand and Caleb looked up at him. Caleb gave a small smile. “I know we just agreed to stay out of each other’s affairs outside of our personal relationship, but-“

“Caleb- you don’t have to tell me what you went through.” Essek said, and Caleb tilted his chin a little, frowning. Essek recalculated. Perhaps that sounded dismissive. “I will hear it, if you want me to.” Essek said. Caleb took a slow breath through his nose as he dropped his gaze, and nodded. “You are asking me to accompany you for this testimony, yes?” Essek said. Caleb sighed and nodded, again. “When is this to take place?”  
Caleb glanced back up.

“Ah, tomorrow.” He said. “I’m sorry it is such short notice- I only knew it was possible to drop in on the Expositor a few hours ago.” No one ‘drops in’ on that person, Essek thought, though he kept it to himself. He had more important things to figure out now.  
He was expected in the Queen’s court tomorrow, and to slip away without drawing suspicion would be a tall order. Still, it was a rare thing to be needed as Caleb needed him.

“I will figure out something.” Essek said, and squeezed Caleb’s hand again. “I will be there with you.” Caleb kissed his hand and Essek’s entire back tensed.

“Thank you.” Caleb said, smiling gently. His eyes lingered on Essek’s. Essek tried to smile back calmly, but his perception of the situation demanded his fingers twitch in Caleb’s grasp. They were released. Essek quickly retracted the limb. He didn’t dare look at Caleb’s face.  
Essek let out a breath and looked at his own hand, in his own lap. Damn. Damn!

“Apologizes,” Essek said, “I am… perhaps a little maxed out on physical affection for a little while.” He quickly glanced to Caleb’s face, for no more than a second. Caleb was staring at him.

“Oh.” Caleb said. Essek felt Caleb reaching out and leaned away, heart pounding. Nothing happened. When Essek looked back up, Caleb was only lifting Frumpkin into his lap. He scratched the cat’s ears. “That is fine.” He said. ”Just having you there, and being here now, I appreciate it.”  
Caleb smiled. Essek watched Frumpkin turn his jaw into Caleb’s fingers. Shadowhand of the Dynasty, envious of a cat, and too big of a mess to handle a polite kiss to the hand. Caleb let his gaze linger on Frumpkin, and Essek straightened up, frowning at himself.

“Was the other day too much then?” Caleb said.  
Essek leaned on his palm. He wasn’t sure of the parameters surrounding his discomfort himself. He wished to be touching Caleb right now- just not to be touched by him.

“It was….” Essek said, and felt himself flush. He sighed impatiently and rubbed the bridge of his nose. “ Maybe.” He looked at Caleb. His attention was still on the damn cat. “Only in hindsight.” Essek said. “I am still learning my own limitations, I suppose.” Caleb shifted where he sat, and raked his hands over Frumpkin’s back. The familiar purred.

“Yeah, that makes sense.” Caleb said. He finally looked up at Essek, and Essek felt his chest grow warm.

“It is strange.” Essek said, and returned his hands to his own lap. “I want to be near you, but just now, when you ah…” Essek squeezed his own hand, but looked away from Caleb. “…kissed my hand.” Essek said. Caleb smiled and nodded. Essek’s ears burned.

“You were very squirmy the other day.” Caleb said. Essek glanced towards him, fighting the smile twisting over his lips.

“….to tell the truth, that was the first time in quite a while anything actually… felt good.” Essek said. Fuck. How was Caleb supposed to interpret that?

“What do you mean?” Caleb said. Essek rubbed his hands over his face. Just talk it out. As if that were easy.

“I mean in the past when I have… finished… there is something of a drop afterwards.” Essek said. He rolled his shoulders and stroked over his own chin. “Maybe having you there just delayed it.” Essek said. “I am not sure.” He looked at Caleb, who was nodding thoughtfully. He glanced up when Essek remained silent. Essek laughed to himself.

“I feel like I should apologize.” Essek said. Caleb furrowed his brow a bit and gave a confused smile.

“You don’t owe me anything.” Caleb said.

“And yet I worry I am somehow depriving you.” Essek said. Caleb moved his lips over each other as he thought. He looked Essek in the eye.

“I am not sure what to say to help.” Caleb said.

“There may not be anything to say.” Essek said and shrugged. “I could very well be feeling irrationally.” Caleb had not stopped touching Frumpkin since Essek had recoiled. Essek smiled into his palm. “Perhaps I am still getting used to having the things that I want.” Caleb smiled. Essek stood up, and took a step to stoop next to Caleb. Caleb turned his head to follow Essek with his eyes, and stilled when Essek leaned down and kissed him softly. Sparks ignited in Essek’s veins.

“I have some things to contend with before tomorrow.” Essek said. “You are more than welcome to stay for a while.” Essek’s gut twisted with the worry of a perceived betrayal, but Caleb smiled at him from his seat, looking sleepy but calmed. “I will probably get going soon.” He said. “Does 8 o’clock at the house work?”

“Yes, that should be doable.” Essek said. He let himself cup Caleb’s cheek and take one more kiss, without allowing the guilt from sending him away to pool.

“Goodnight, Caleb.”

“Goodnight, Essek.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shorter chapter this time! 
> 
> Stay safe out there!


	11. 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Caleb explains it all. Beach date pt. 2

From the way Expositor Dairon kept glaring between all three of them, Essek gathered that they were not thrilled with Beauregard’s revelation that one of her close friends was nearly a Scourger. Or, more likely, that they were only finding out about it now. 

He and Caleb followed the monks out one tower and into the mid-morning sun. Essek squinted behind his illusory form. Caleb was staring at his own feet.

“Essek.” Caleb said, quietly. His voice was tight.

“Hm?” Essek let their fingers brush past each other.

“Could you… ah…?” Caleb said, but trailed off. Essek took his hand and Caleb looked over at their fingers entwined. “… Thank you.” Caleb said.

Essek’s heart swelled. As soon as he had arrived at the Xhorhaus, and Caleb’s confidence had begun to dwindle, Essek’s had grown. Caleb hadn't even eaten that morning for fear he might be ill during the interview. Essek carefully bumped into Caleb so their arms briefly pressed together.

Caleb rubbed his free hands across his mouth.

“Thank you.” Caleb said.

Essek pulled Caleb a little closer to his side, and inclined his head towards Caleb to speak quietly. Caleb wavered a moment before adapting his stride to match Essek’s.

“You will not make me uncomfortable by requesting my help.” Essek said. “I am here, for you.” Caleb nodded, and took a smooth breath of air, in, and out.

“Thank you.” Caleb said.

The room was the same as before. No windows, dim light, and a small table with a few chairs around it.

“This room is completely sealed.” Dairon said. “I say this not to encourage loudness, but hopefully to provide some comfort despite what I understand to be a… trying subject.” 

Caleb nodded, and Beau pulled out a chair for him. Essek flicked his wrist so a second slid across the floor, and Essek sat beside him. Beau leaned on the wall beside the door. Dairon folded their hands, sitting across from the wizards. Caleb was able to hold their gaze, though under the table his hands fidgeted. Essek rested a hand on Caleb’s knee, and Caleb quickly took it to hold.

“So.” Dairon said. “Beauregard has told me that you were a student, among two others, under Trent Ikithon.” Caleb’s eyes turned in Beau’s direction for a brief moment before returning to Dairon. He swallowed and nodded. Dairon nodded back. 

“As I am sure you are aware,” They continued, “the mere existence of Scourgers is largely considered more of a …myth, than an actual fact of the Dwendalian Empire. The few we have encountered were not labeled as Scourgers, so there is some skepticism that the people we have identified as these assassins are not just similar threats also aligned with the Assembly. Anything you experienced that could be used to identify other Scourgers, or inform us of the training they undergo could very well save many lives, and prove instrumental in stacking the cards in our favor to remove them from power.” Caleb nodded, and squeezed Essek’s hand under the table. Caleb rolled his shoulders and sat up.

“Where should I start?” Caleb said. Dairon shrugged, and leaned on their elbows. 

“How did you become involved with Trent Ikithon?” Dairon said.

“I was a student." Caleb said, "At the Academy.” He looked directly to Dairon. Essek heard the steadiness of his voice, and maybe felt a little proud. “After almost a year of studies there, Trent pulled me, and two others of my classmates for further private tutelage.”

“Were you a good student?” Dairon said. Caleb blinked slowly.

“Highest in the class.” Caleb said. Essek smiled.

“And your classmates who were also selected?” Dairon said. Caleb smiled, though it was quick to fade. Essek glanced to Beauregard and found her turned away. 

“Similarly gifted, though they struggled occasionally.”

“Did you know them?” Darion said.

“We grew up together, in Blumenthal.” Caleb said. He sighed through his nose. “Astrid and Eodwulf.” The name ‘Astrid’ made the hairs on Essek’s arm stand. Caleb invoked that name to the captured scourger, so long ago. A prominent figure, apparently. “We were friends.” Caleb said. “Our goals aligned. We wanted to keep our home strong and prosperous.” Essek felt Caleb’s grip tighten on his hand. Dairon nodded and looked up and to the side, tilting their head. 

“I have… possibly heard of a woman called Astrid working with the Academy and the Assembly.” Dairon said. Beau shifted where she stood at the wall. Caleb’s breathing shook. He nodded. 

“Ja-she still works for the Assembly.” He said.

“We saw Eodwulf when we went to look at one of the Beacons.” Beau chimed in, and Caleb shut his eyes to breath. Dairon turned to look at Beauregard, and Essek quickly pulled Caleb’s hand up and kissed it. Caleb’s eyes opened for a brief moment, and steadied on Essek. Essek caught the smallest upturn of his lips before it faded, and he returned their hands beneath the table.

“He was like a guard kinda? This was at the Sanatorium.” Beau said, and gestured to her forearms. “Him and one other had all these black, angular tattoos on their forearms. ” Beau clarified. Dairon raised their brows.

“The Vergesson Sanatorium?” Dairon said. Beau and Caleb nodded. Dairon nodded as well. “Clever. Investigations there are easily turned away for fear of the dangers contained.” 

Caleb’s chest rose and fell with a slow breath.

“I cannot say if the educational and medical facilities there are all a cover,” Caleb said. “but we were told, by the Martinet, that the Assembly uses the grounds to conduct research they believe would draw criticism from the public.” Beau nodded when Dairon glanced to her. Essek could only listen quietly, and piece things together from what he knew of this foreign place and his personal experience. Dairon straightened up and focused back on Caleb.

“That does not surprise me.” They said. “The Assembly has long held the tactic of investing in twice as many altruistic endeavors as they do detrimental. Keeps up appearances.” They refolded their hands on the table. “So, you, Astrid, and Eodwulf were selected by Trent.” Dairon said. “You were all how old at the time?” Caleb let his eyes fall to the table. He licked his lips before looking back to Dairon.

“Probably all between 15 and 17?” Caleb said. “He... brought us to his house, outside of the city.” A brief smile came to Caleb’s face, and Essek felt his palm becoming hot in his grip. “We were: willing participants. In nearly every aspect of living there.” Essek’s heart fell as Caleb’s grip tightened to the point of a light tremble in his hand. “I can’t remember many other times I was so excited and proud.” Caleb looked down to the table for a moment, and his face contorted from the bitter smile into a resigned frown. He took a breath. “He taught us daily, for the most part.” Caleb shrugged. “Though if we forgot he had canceled lessons, he would fly into a rage if we disturbed him.”

“Was he violent?” Dairon said. Caleb nodded, and looked back to them.

“Ja.” He said. “He hit us.” Dairon left the space after the words silent. Essek felt his own empty hand clench into a fist. “He used magic on us.” Caleb continued. “But we were not prisoners. We were often left on our own to study or wander the grounds. We could travel if we had the means. He would send us for things: paper, components, basic supplies.”

“Tell me about your training.” Dairon said, with a small nod. “What sort of things did he teach you?” 

Caleb leaned back in his chair and sniffed, looking up to the ceiling. Essek saw the dewy sheen of sweat on his face and his tightened jaw. He gave Caleb’s hand a squeeze. Caleb looked over towards Essek, blinked and smiled sadly, and then closed his eyes a moment. Caleb sniffed, and took his hand from Essek’s grasp to pull up one of his own sleeves as he spoke.

“He- he taught us through doing, I suppose. Extreme conditions. Weeks without food, or light, or seeing another person.” Essek watched as Caleb revealed his forearm, hash marked with small scars Essek hadn’t given much thought to before. “There were experiments.” Caleb said. “To strengthen us, but, also to test our grit.” 

“Was it made clear to you, that you were being trained as Scourgers?” Dairon said, glancing from the scars to Caleb's eyes. Caleb pinched his lips together.

“He referred to it as the Volstrucker.” Caleb said. He looked down his arm and flexed it, bringing up the ropes of tendons under the marred skin. “We knew what we were being trained to do." He said. "We believed in it.”

_You learned it._

Essek shifted in his seat.

“Tell me of these experiments.” Dairon said, carefully looking over Caleb’s arm. Essek blinked and shifted in his chair. He could see Caleb’s rapid pulse in his wrist. 

Caleb’s shoulders slumped and he looked down. He blinked hard, and tear rolled down the side of his nose.

“I don’t know the intent- he was purposely vague so as not to skew results.” Caleb said, and sniffed, wiping at the tear. “But there was typically a chair. And we would, in turns, be strapped into it. We would… watch him do this to us,” Caleb gestured to his arm, “and help him at times.”

Dairon drew their eye from the scars back to Caleb’s face. 

“I am afraid I need to ask you to be more specific.” Dairon said. Caleb licked his lips and took a breath. 

“He-“ Caleb began, but shut his mouth and his eyes. His lips twitched.

“Take your time.” Dairon said. Caleb lifted his empty hand and made like he was holding something small, similar to a pen.

“He would…. Cut. And insert bits of crystals.” Caleb took a trembling breath. “Shards of crystals. And then seal it inside.”  


“How did you and your compatriots aid him?” Dairon said. 

“Bring him tools.” Caleb’s grip tightened on Essek’s hand. Caleb swallowed. “Scalpels and sutures. Residuum that might have been imbued with something- I don’t know.” Caleb blinked and shook his head, breathing hard. Beau pushed off from the wall.

“Caleb," She said, stepping into his view. "you want to take a break?” 

Dairon was quiet, and Essek took Caleb's hand on the table. Caleb stared at Beau, like his consciousness was returning to the room from where it had been pulled into his memories. Essek gripped around Caleb’s fingers and Caleb turned to him.  Caleb held Essek’s trained, calm gaze, and shook his head again.

“No, I can keep going.” Caleb said, and turned back to Dairon. Essek wondered if he should object, or if Caleb would resent him for it. Caleb clenched his hand in Essek's grip. Essek let go, and Caleb made a fist. Too late now. “We were executioners.” Caleb said, and looked back to Essek, and pulled his hand back to gingerly touch Essek's fingers. “He would bring us, criminals, traitors.”

Children, being used to cull criminals, to make them numb for it. Essek took his hand again and squeezed.

Caleb laughed, breath shaking, and pressed apart the wrinkles in his forehead with his free hand. He pushed his hair back. Darion shifted and their chair creaked. Caleb looked back to them.

“Did anyone ever refuse, or argue about being asked to do this?” Dairon said. Caleb bit his lip and shook his head.

“No.” Caleb said. His eyes pinched closed and he tilted his head as though some evil were crawling from his ear. “We, wanted to cleanse our country of the things that would poison it.” Caleb rubbed over his face. “I still do.” Essek squeezed his hand again, still there. Caleb looked up at the ceiling and took another deep breath, sniffed, and blinked. Essek watched another tear catch the light as it dripped from the edge of his jaw.

“We were told we were close to graduating, and went home for a break.” Caleb said. He covered his mouth and pulled his chin to his chest. “I heard…” Caleb said, and screwed his eyes shut. Essek squeezed.

“I think it’s worth mentioning,” Beauregard said, “that Trent also gave his students false memories.” Caleb turned to face Beauregard. Essek took a shallow breath and swallowed, watching Caleb’s brow furrow into a glare. Caleb shook his head.

“I don’t know that.” Caleb said, then shut his eyes and clenched his empty hand into a fist. “I _didn’t_ know that, at the time.” Caleb’s head drooped. “I heard-my parents. Talking about a rebellion.” His arm trembled on the table. “Revolution.” Caleb said. “One night, while I was home. And I was betrayed.”  


“You had a good relationship with your parents up until this point?” Dairon asked. Caleb was still for a moment, and then choked on a sob. Essek gripped his arm.

“Caleb.” Essek said, and Caleb looked at him. His eyes and cheeks were flushed a horrible shade of red, making his freckles burn like embers. His eyes shut again and more tears squeezed out. “What were they like?” Essek said. Caleb’s mouth fell open and he just breathed and sniffed for a moment, seemingly trying to calm down. "Tell me about them." Essek said, and rubbed his thumb over the back of Caleb's hands. Finally, Caleb's eyes open to look at Essek between pinches of tears.

“Loving.” Caleb said, smiling briefly. “Supportive.” He covered his mouth and blinked until he found a deep breath, and then just looked down at his and Essek’s clasped hands. “We didn’t have much, but they never complained…. “ Caleb stilled a moment, and then smiled sadly at Essek. “They would have liked you.” 

Essek returned the smile, and felt everything on his insides clench.  Three children, trained to execute traitors. Parents, turned into traitors. There was one direction this would go. 

Caleb took another breath and looked back to Dairon.

“Astrid and Eodwulf had similar experiences.” Caleb said. “Overhearing. But, I can say with a fair amount of certainty, at least for Astrid, that learning these memories were fake did not sway her loyalty.

“What do you mean?” Dairon asked. Caleb blinked.

“I- uh- saw her. Just before we embarked to attend the peace talks. Caught up. She-" Caleb’s gaze fell on the table. He blinked hard before he glanced up. She was sympathetic. But did not share my stance. Like a martyr, almost." Caleb's breath came a little more calmly now. "To keep the Empire safe, the ‘chosen’ take on the difficult decisions.” Dairon nodded, and gave Caleb a moment. Essek squeezed his hand and Caleb squeezed it back.

“I will not press for details,” Dairon said. “but to confirm my assumption: did you and your companions, in response to the false memories, and training imparted to you by Trent Ikithon, execute your parents?” Dairon said. Caleb licked his lips and nodded. He shut his eyes and tears slid down his cheeks anew. His breath shook as he inhaled.

“Una and Leofric Ermendrud.” Caleb said. “My father was a solider.” A tear hit the table. Too many tears.

“I will look into if there is a record of this occurrence.” Dairon said. “It could very well be that great lengths were taken to cover three simultaneous occurrences of parricide in such a small town.” They sighed. “ What happened after graduation?”

Caleb smiled and shook his head, his jaw working side to side.

“I did not graduate.” Caleb said. “I…. The next thing I can truly remember is living in the Sanatorium for many years.” Dairon nodded. 

“You were imprisoned.” They said.

“.…I wish I could say for sure.” Caleb said. “I do not remember it, and the only person I have asked may have been lying.”

“Do you recall anything of your experience in the Sanatorium?” Dairon said. “Anything you saw or heard?” Caleb shrugged, and took a deep breath. He laughed dryly. 

“Eleven years- gone.” Caleb said, and swallowed. “Maybe that alone is telling of the treatment there. In the end, it was another patient who helped me.” 

“So you at least had access to other patients.” Dairon said. Caleb rubbed over his chin.

“Maybe. I’m not sure. This woman who helped me- she was…. Not professional, but poised, I suppose." Caleb said. "Then the next moment she was frenzied and mad.” Dairon nodded. Caleb took a few calmer breaths.

“It was her that helped me realize what I had heard from my parents was a lie, and she cured me of the madness that had followed that… night.” Caleb said. He shut his eyes tight and forced another deep breath. He blinked several times, and sat up a little straighter. “But after that, I was able to kill a guard, and escape. I took a warded necklace so they would not find me, and was running for five years before I met Veth.”

“Were you pursued following your escape?” Dairon said. Caleb shook his head.

“Not that I could…confirm.” Caleb said. “I don’t know if I was adept at hiding, or they just didn’t care.”

Dairon glanced to Beauregard. Essek’s mind was swirling with all he knew of Scourgers. They were ruthless- would sooner die than be caught- surely they wouldn’t let someone just escape.

“When were you last in contact with another Scourger?” Dairon said. Caleb blinked slowly.

“That would probably have been when I spoke with Astrid.” Caleb said.

“Did she have these markings-” Dairon said, gesturing to their forearms. “The tattoos Beauregard observed on the others.” Caleb nodded. 

“Jap. We have met-“ Caleb said, and looked to Essek and Beauregard. “The Scourger captured by the Dynasty- she did not have them. But, she did have the same scars as I do.”

Dairon leaned back in their chair, and crossed their arms. They looked to Essek. 

“The Dynasty has or had a Scourger in custody?” Dairon said. Essek sat up a little straighter. He felt Caleb’s eyes on him. He chose his words carefully.

“Sorry-“ Beau cut in. “But these tattoos- I think they might have something to do with Dunamancy. A long time ago we found some research notes referencing some of Trent’s inner circle ‘showing potential’.” Dairon looked from Beau to Essek. Beau crossed her arms. "I'm a little worried these tatoos might be magical." Beau said.

“You are our resident expert on the topic.” They said. “What do you think.” 

Essek gave a dry laugh. Incredible how in one visit he had gone from 'punchable convict' to ‘resident expert’.

“I am afraid without seeing these markings for myself, I wouldn’t be able to say.” He glanced to Caleb, who was watching him quietly. “But tattooing for the purpose of magical effects is not unheard of across Exandria. I have never encountered this firsthand, but the presence of… angular designs?” He glanced to Beau. 

“Kinda like the lines at your house,” She said, and moved a finger through the air. “or the shapes when you cast stuff.”

Essek glanced back to Dairon, mouth a hard line.

“That is worrying.” He said. Dairon sighed and rubbed their temple. 

“At least we are aware of the possibility.” They said, and leaned on their elbows. “Now, tell me of this Scrounger prisoner. I will admit I am impressed that the Krynn managed to capture one.” Essek nodded. 

“The Mighty Nein warned us, of an incursion of Scourgers.” Essek said. “We increased security, and sure enough, a group arrived. Of the survivors of the encounter, only one did not manage to kill themselves in the aftermath.” No need to mention the handful of Dynasty lives also lost in apprehending them. “She was contained and interrogated. Though she revealed nothing despite… many methods being applied.”

“Torture?” Dairon said. Essek cringed. 

“Yes.” He said, a little guilty to still be holding Caleb's hand. “Caleb requested to speak with her, and I allowed it under my supervision.” Essek paused. He could leave it there. But what he had heard so far- there was an element to be discovered here. He looked to Caleb, and found those blue eyes already on him. Caleb blinked at him.

Essek took a breath and sighed. What they shared now- they did not have it then.

“Forgive me for not telling you sooner, I didn't find any reason to." Essek said, and Caleb tilted his head slightly. "You spoke to the Scourger in Zemnian, so I used a spell to translate the conversation.” 

Caleb dropped his eyes for a moment, but looked back up and nodded.Essek frowned. He would have told any of them he had done so, if only they had asked.

“You referred to her as a sister." Essek said. "Treated her with as much empathy as you could afford.” Essek glanced down to their hands. “Asked after this Astrid.”

Caleb stared at Essek, and looked to Beauregard, who shrugged.

“And the Scourger knew Astrid?” Dairon said.

“Yes.” Caleb said. “She claimed to know me as well." Caleb's mouth shut briefly. He chewed his lip, shifting in his seat. "Astrid mentioned... something about my accomplishments making it back to their ranks.” 

“So they talk about you.” Beau said. Caleb looked at her and nodded, and Beau looked to Dairon, frowning. “I don’t like it.”

“Neither do I.” Dairon said. Caleb had dropped his gaze to the table. His lips twitched.

“…..she said, ‘Welcome back’.” He said. He looked up and turned to Essek. “The prisoner.”

“She also tried to kill you.” Essek said. Dairon sighed. Their eyes flicked from the table, back up to Caleb. They leaned forward and steepled their hands.

“It could be, that the removal of bonds- family, friends- outside the Scrouger program, is only a small part of the process.” Dairon said. “Part of a larger goal to create absolute loyalty. Similar things have been observed in violent cults.”

Caleb smiled a little, and then looked down and took several shaking breaths. Essek felt his own heart race and his fingers hurt slightly in Caleb's tightened grip.

“You believe me still loyal to the Volstrucker?” Caleb said. Dairon let it hang in the air as they observed him. Caleb lifted his chin. Dairon's eyes stayed locked on his.

“Not entirely.” Dairon said.

“Dairon.” Beau said, and Dairon ignored her.

“Forgive me if that comes off as harsh, but I cannot assume that you would not attempt mercy for one of these people. And from what _I_ know of these people, they would not show you the same.” Dairon said, glancing to Essek. Essek breathed out through his nose. Caleb looked at him, and Essek couldn’t return the gaze. He didn't need to say he agreed. Caleb curled the fingers of his free hand, and his grip slackened in Essek’s.

“Essek,” Beau said, inclining her head in a sort of ‘lets steer this conversation away from here’ way. “could you have been the target of one of the Scourgers sent to the Dynasty?” 

Thank the Gods for Beauregard.

“It is possible.” Essek said, nodding a little. “At that point the war had progressed in a way that was likely hindering the Assembly’s research, so I can see why they might be upset enough to take the opportunity to… turn the tide in favor of themselves, should it arise.” 

Essek felt clammy fingers slip from his hand. Essek turned in Caleb’s direction. Caleb was staring at Dairon, with a harshness to his brow. He folded his hands on the table.

“I cannot believe that they are all beyond saving, and not think the same of myself.” Caleb said. 

Dairon gave no reply. No one would argue that point with him. Beau sighed and broke the silence. 

“We’re nowhere near being in a place to decide what to do with the Scourgers.” Beau said. 

“You are quite correct.” Dairon said. “But that does not excuse recklessness in the face of an incredibly and evidently dangerous opponent." Dairon's eyes remained on Caleb. "I would advise that you be ready to distance yourself from the front lines when the time comes, Caleb.”

Caleb’s mouth was a thin line. He didn’t say anything.

Dairon looked to Beau, and then back to Caleb and Essek. 

“Thank you- both of you- for coming here and illuminating some things today. With this information… we are league’s ahead of where we were, and I am incredibly grateful.” They extended a hand across the table, and after a moment, Caleb shook it. Essek and Dairon shared a nod. Beau leaned towards Essek.

“And you didn’t even get punched this time!” Beau said. Essek narrowed his eyes, but could see in the strain of her smile she was trying to guide them towards the door. Caleb had not stopped glaring at Dairon.

“it is appreciated.” Essek said. 

"We have further have further matters to discuss." Dairon said, only to Beau. 

"Right." She said. She held Essek's eye for a moment, and then shot two finger guns towards them. "Catch you guys later. Have Jester message me tomorrow or something."

Dairon opened the door and light poured in. Essek shielded his eyes, and Dairon gave a final nod before departing with Beauregard. 

~~~POV Switch mini-interluuuuude~~~~

Caleb watched Essek begin to draw the sigil to teleport back to Roshona in the now empty room, and stepped in the way of the next line. Essek’s hand stopped just shy of bumping into Caleb’s boot, and he looked up quizzically.

Caleb had asked to go home. It only dawned, as the guilt over his questioned loyalty simmered in his limbs, that he didn’t really want that yet.

“Have you changed your mind?” Essek said. Caleb removed his boot.

“Yes. Sorry. Um.” Caleb said and rubbed his forehead. Essek stood up.

“It’s only chalk.” Essek shrugged. “Don’t be sorry.”

“Easier said than done.” Caleb said. Essek took his hand and frowned gently as he examined Caleb’s face. Caleb’s limbs felt nearly crawling with unwanted impulsions. They wanted to punch, grab, swing, pull.

“You are alright?” He said. Caleb smiled and gave a small laugh.

“No.” He said, and felt a wave of heat come back to his eyes at that simple admission. Essek squeezed his hand and took the other.

“Caleb.” Essek said, and took a careful step closer. Caleb’s arms trembled. His heart screamed for a hug, a kiss, _anything_ that wasn’t just standing still.

“I am sorry,” Caleb said. “I don’t think I can be alone with my thoughts right now, but I am not sure I could handle… sympathy from our friends either.” Caleb said. Essek nodded. 

“You are hoping for something of a distraction?” Essek said. He licked his lips and shifted his stance a little. Caleb squeezed his hand. Not _that_ sort of distraction.

“I think I would just like to spend time with you.” Caleb said. Essek looked up to him and held his eye. “I am not trying to say we have to… do anything.” Caleb sighed and wiggled free of Essek’s grasp to rub his hands over his face. He pressed his fingers firmly into his skin as they pulled over his cheeks. Gods though, it would be nice to do… anything.

Essek frowned and sighed.

“Well, we have the whole day.” Essek said, and touched Caleb’s shoulder with a small smile. He looked up and to the side. “Nicodranas?” Essek said. “Or anywhere really.” Caleb shrugged.

“I am happy anywhere so long as it’s with you.” Caleb said. Essek rolled his eyes.

“Oh do shut up.” Essek said. Truly, teasing Essek was becoming one of Caleb’s favorite distractions, but he figured there was a limit to how long that would be enjoyable for Essek. 

“Nicodranas sounds good.” Caleb said, and took Essek's hand. “I would like to walk on the beach again.” Essek nodded.

“Perhaps in the evening.” Essek said. “It will be quite hot this time of day.”

“We could go swimming.” Caleb said. Essek paused a moment. He gave a small smile and patted Caleb's hand.

“….Or you could go swimming and I can find some shade.” Essek said. Caleb laughed. 

“Sure.” He said. 

After a bite to eat (at Essek’s suggestion), and a quick teleport later, Caleb undressed while Essek settled before a large rock. Gulls flitted about on boulders further out to sea, and Caleb pictured Beau sitting atop one, meditating. It was good to see this place again. Essek pulled a book from a pocket of space. Caleb frowned a little, and wondered if Essek was trying to avoid the sun more than the heat. He heard an audible sigh and found Essek staring at him.

“What is it?” Essek said. Caleb itched to run and just be in the water already.

“Nothing.” Caleb smiled, and stepped out into the sunshine in nothing but his amulet. “Enjoy your shade.” 

Caleb trotted over the hot sand and got through the shock of the water as quickly as he could. He dunked his head, careful to not get salt water in his eyes. He pushed off from the bottom and stretched his arms and legs to their full potential. He saw nothing, and felt nothing but water. The twitch to his limps urged him to action, and he stroked with his arms, feeling the cool caress of ocean reach under them and between his thighs. He bobbed back up to the surface swiped the water from his face. It already felt better just to move and be active. He looked back towards the shore. Essek remained right where he had left him, glancing up and down between the water and his book.

Caleb lowered half his face into the water the sighed into it, shutting his eyes and letting the water burble up with his breath to tickle his eyelids. He pulled his hair free of the tie and combed it into the water, silky and smooth. The gentle hum of the ocean against his ears lulled him, and he carefully found his buoyancy and began to float for who cared how long.

…. how was it, that no matter how many people learned of his past, none of them thought to blame him? Even with this suspicion that he might hesitate or endanger himself when faced with more Scourgers…

A twist came to his gut and he flipped over and swam more. His belly and knees felt chilly coming back into the water. He slapped his arms down on the surface of the sea with each stroke and kicked hard, sending spray up and onto his back.

Essek’s voice came to his mind

_I think you have drifted off a bit. I cannot see you._

Caleb righted himself for a breath and found he could no longer reach the bottom. He smiled. Perhaps pushing his luck. 

_I am not far._ Caleb responded, and began to paddle back towards the shore. He brought his feet back down into a swath of stones and saw a leathery string of kelp floating past. He turned back to the horizon and dipped back down up to his neck. Caleb found himself wishing for goggles so he might investigate the area in which he swam. Perhaps he would ask Fjord about ocean life sometime, or find a book on the subject. There must be more that lived in that vast expanse than Dragon Turtles and Sea Hags. Caleb turned back towards the shore and watched Essek’s head turn back and forth, aimlessly. Caleb frowned. Essek probably wouldn’t be able to see him in the direct sunlight, regardless of how close he stayed to shore. But he had been gone for a while. Caleb waded back up the shore, carefully stepping over clusters of rocks and shells, and trotted back over to where Essek was settled, leaving a trail of darkened sand in his wake.

Essek glanced up from his book, and Caleb caught a coy smile and brief wandering of his eyes. Caleb smiled and wrung water from his hair. He stepped into the shade and squatted down beside Essek. Essek leaned away so as not to be dribbled on.

“Enjoying yourself?” Essek said, quirking a brow.

“Ja.” Caleb said. “Is the sunlight bothering you?” Essek’s lips twitched. 

“It…I am alright as long as I am in the shade.” Essek said and gave a trying smile.

“Could you cast a darkness spell?” Caleb said. “Like the one in Rosohona?”

“I have considered it… “ Essek said, and rocked his head side to side. “Though I am a little apprehensive that it may draw unwanted attention this close to the Empire.” He said. Caleb nodded. Essek shut his book and set it aside, well away from Caleb. “I will swim with you, once the sun has begun to go down.” Essek said, and placed a hand on Caleb’s pink thigh. The sting was immediate, but not bad. Essek raised a brow as the color briefly faded from Caleb’s skin, and left the shape of his hand.

Caleb scooted out from the shade a little and laid out to dry. The sand was a little hot on his skin, but he decided he would get used to it. He left one hand extended towards Essek, and positioned his other arm under his cheek.

“…. you will burn even further, lying like that.” Essek said. 

“I burn in the water too.” Caleb said, and turned his head to look at Essek. “You will have to help me apply a slave once we get home.” Essek snorted.

“Oh, _will I_ now?” 

Caleb smiled and closed his eyes, listening to the crash of small waves, the turn of pages as Essek began to read again, and the occasional cry of seagulls. 

“… may I ask you a question?” Essek said. 

Caleb opened his eyes. It would probably do him to turn over anyway.

“Ja, of course.” He said, rolling up onto his hip. Essek glanced from Caleb’s pink skin back to his face. 

“You… enjoy some pain?” Essek said. Caleb licked his lips.

“it is more… hmmm.” Caleb thought. “It is more about- things that are difficult to ignore.” 

“But you are not seeking distraction when you request things like, biting and scratching, correct?” Essek said, raising a brow.

“To an extent.” Caleb said. “It sort of… clarifies things?" Essek nodded. Caleb coninued. "Sometimes...things that are, gentle, or soft, or just pressure, I also like, but it is easy to get distracted. The more intense sensations sort of, shut all of that out.” 

“That seems reasonable.” Essek said, and smiled at Caleb, reaching over to take his dry hand. Caleb’s eye lingered on where their skin touched.

“….how are you feeling?” Caleb said. Essek looked at him. “Since the other day, I mean.” Essek’s smiled faltered for a moment. He looked back into the shade and thought before setting his book down again and turning to face Caleb.

“Better.” Essek said, pausing to gather his next thought into common. “It is strange, but the moment I could focus on your discomfort rather than my own, it sort of … overrode my anxieties.” Essek reached down to his shoes and unlaced one. Caleb admired the soft smile on his lips. “I think in general I am more at ease managing your comfort and wants than my own.” Essek said, and slipped his toes into the sand. 

“Similar to how you prefer to touch me,” Caleb said, “than be touched.”

“Precisely.” Essek said. He leaned towards the edge of the shade and Caleb pushed himself up to kiss him. Essek’s lips were cool. Essek smiled. “Though I think I am becoming more comfortable with my own desires, the longer we are together.”

“That is good.” Caleb said, and smiled “I am- more than happy- to continue to primarily receive when we are intimate, but if you would ever like to try anything, I think I would like to learn the things you like too.” Caleb said. Essek pinched his lips together. 

“I… appreciate it.” Essek said, and his cheeks pulled into another smile.

Caleb helped Essek shift their belongings to follow the shade as the sun began to set, and Caleb eventually dried enough that Essek permitted him to rest his cheek on his leg as Caleb dozed beside him. Every so often Caleb would feel Essek’s hand stroking from his hair down to his shoulder, and that was just enough to send the prickle of _want_ tickling at his mind. Once, Essek’s hand came to rest all the way down on Caleb’s hip, and he felt a soft kiss nonetheless sting at his shoulder. Caleb watched the sun get lower and lower in the sky, and finally Essek stretched and sighed.

“You still want to go swimming?” Essek said, trailing his fingers over Caleb’s back. Caleb craned his head over. 

“I still want to go swimming, with you.” Caleb said, and then turned to face the direction of the city before lying back on Essek again with a sigh. “We will probably need to return home following that.”

The clouds grew red and yellow the lower the sun became, and Caleb stood to shield Essek from its final rays as he undressed. Together, they picked a path to the shore. Essek went to great lengths not to step on any seaweed, making a disgusted face as a cloud of black flies lifted from a tangled mass of kelp. Caleb snickered a little and Essek shot him a look.

The water would be significantly cooler now, and Caleb took a quick breath before charging in. The sting from his sunburn turned into a soothing heat as he adjusted to the water, and sat in the shallows while Essek walked in, inch by inch. 

“Just jump in!” Caleb called as a small wave broke over Essek’s shins and he visibly flinched. Essek’s arms came around his front.

“You are _sure_ you wouldn’t prefer to go home now be in the hot tub?” Essek said with a strained grin. Caleb shook his head. They were both smart enough to know: getting used to cold water was something to be quickly dealt with and be done with. So, Caleb and drew his arm back across the water, ready to send it flying. Essek’s eyes went wide and he glared, taking a few steps deeper.

“Don’t you dare.” Essek said, and took another careful step into the water, wavering as he put his full weight on the stones and gritty sand. Caleb abandoned his attack and stood to walk back to Essek. He extended a hand.

“Come on. I will carry you over the rocks.” Caleb said. Essek huffed.

“That will be unnecessary.” He said, and took a few more stubborn steps until he was up to his mid thigh. Caleb followed him, shaking his head slightly. Essek rolled his eyes and took a breath before sinking down to his chest and gritting his teeth. Caleb did the same and paddled out a bit further, pushing off the bottom and drifting along. Essek shivered and turned slowly while Caleb circled him. 

“Not a fan of floating?” Caleb said, cocking his head slightly. 

Essek smiled with a slight harshness to his brow.

Caleb smiled back and turned his gaze up to the rosy sky. He let the lapping of the water and gentle pull and push on his limbs sooth him, and could _almost_ imagine a mote of possibility drifting towards him.

“This remind you of anything?” Caleb said quietly. Essek stumbled a few steps deeper and flailed his arms a bit beneath the surface, fighting against the weak current to stay still.

“Water.” Essek said. Caleb followed Essek and reached out towards him, laughing lightly. 

“Can you reach the bottom?” He asked. Essek grasped his hand and let Caleb pull him closer. He huffed as Caleb stabilized him.

“Y _es.”_ Essek said. Caleb held in a laugh, and ducked his head under Essek’s arm to better hold him. Caleb turned them to face the horizon.

“This has always reminded me of the beacons.” Caleb said. Essek squinted towards the sunset, and then frowned and shut an eye when a small wave splashed into his face. 

“There are…similarities perhaps.” Essek said, wiping at his eye. Caleb shifted as a bit of seagrass drifted by. Essek went completely ridged for a moment, and then kicked out harshly, propelling himself further against Caleb. Caleb smiled down at him and Essek’s face grew slightly darker.

“Something touched me.” Essek said. Don’t laugh don’t laugh don’t laugh.

“Ja,” Caleb nodded, “it’s seaweed.” Essek looked away before further entwining himself with Caleb and sighing.

“Charming.” Essek said. Caleb turned so the shadow of his head fell on Essek’s face, enjoying the smooth slide of their skin under the water. Essek lowered his cheek onto Caleb’s shoulder. “I suppose it is a little pleasant when I’m not trying to drift away.” Essek said. 

“Mm.” Caleb hummed. He let the waves rock them gently and his eyes slid shut. His feet felt firmly planted in the sand. With their combined weight and the calm surf, Caleb was properly anchored in place. Essek shifted slightly, soft and cool in Caleb's arem, and looked in his eyes, smiling.

“I am glad you are here with me.” Essek said, and pushed a wet lock of hair behind Caleb’s ear. 

“Thank you for coming with me.” Caleb said, and leaned closer towards Essek- an invitation, nothing more. Essek smirked and leaned forward into a sweet kiss. Essek’s mouth was a welcome break from the salty tang on Caleb’s lips. Caleb held Essek’s jaw and sucked lightly at his lip, testing.

Essek pulled himself up to better kiss Caleb. Caleb smiled against him and held Essek firmly around the waist so that the cool water could not reach where they pressed against each other. He trailed his thumb back, over Essek’s ear, and Essek’s nails dug into Caleb’s already red shoulders and chest. Caleb groaned low, feeling his heart begin to tentatively hammer. Essek pressed his hips into him, and Caleb felt his cock question if it should get involved. Luckily, a wave made Caleb stumble a step to the side, and Essek pulled back to wipe water from his face. 

“Perhaps not the most advantageous location for this?” Caleb said. Essek smiled fiendishly and nosed back up to Caleb’s face, letting their lips linger in close proximity. Shared space, hot with anticipation, and a very hard to balance at. Caleb let one hand drift down over Essek’s back, over his ribs, and squeezed at his bottom. Essek tightened his leg around Caleb’s, and Caleb felt a tingle up through his core as Essek's cock brushed against him- not hard, but also well on the way. _Shit._

_“Caleb._ ” Essek said, his breath hot, and kissed him with renewed vigor. The shift in weight made Caleb loose his footing, and as they were toppling into the sea, Essek took a deep breath before going under. Caleb, did not.

Essek’s hand held tight around Caleb’s arm and quickly pulled him back to the surface. Essek was laughing while Caleb coughed and gasped.

“Perhaps we _should_ make for land.” Essek said, and pulled Caleb towards more shallow water. 

“Ja, maHAYbe.” Caleb said, with another wheezing cough. Caleb spat into the water, and Essek made a face. 

“Revolting.” Essek said, and pecked Caleb’s cheek. Essek’s breath was cool over his skin and Caleb felt nails scrape up his spine again. Caleb groaned, but coughed a little more. Essek smiled, snickering.

“I think there is a better place to continue this.” Essek said, and kissed the salt from Caleb’s lips. Caleb felt a spark run through him from toe to tip.

“That would be, ah, preferable _._ ” Caleb said. Essek drew his nails through Caleb’s hair and pointedly bumped his cock against Caleb’s thigh. Caleb’s jaw fell open, finally able to take a clear breath, and Essek floated off the sand to nuzzle under Caleb’s chin.

“Your’s or mine?” Essek said. Caleb’s arms tightened around Essek, and he leaned down to kiss him with more measured intent. He bit and licked at Essek’s mouth, drinking in every detail of these moments. Essek leaned into him, and the smallest moan came from his throat. Caleb brought a hand up to Essek’s check and pressed his thumb over the lobe of Essek’s ear, earning him a shiver and further kissed of equaled enthusiasm. They parted for just a second, for Caleb to speak.

“Either or. There's also a beach. Ach, probably not the beach.” He kissed Essek again, who laughed. "Let's go to your's.

And they slowly made their way back to shore.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter going to pick up right where this one left off!
> 
> Thanks for reading! God I miss Critical Role /-3-/


	12. 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Caleb and Essek FUUUUUUCK
> 
> *edit  
> \- deleted multiple paragraph repetition which I almost definitely missed while editing ^-^'

Essek knew they had teleported to his room, but his body still needed a moment to realize that. His sensitive pupils, shrunk to pinpoints in the hot sun, now saw impossible colors pulsing in the blackness. He grimaced, and let his clothes fall to the floor with a clothes ‘whump’ as he rubbed at his poor eyes. 

He heard Caleb picking things up and moving about, felt the cool tickle of prestidigitation wash the sea and sand from his skin. Warm hands, softened by the salts of the ocean, stroked down Essek’s shoulders to his waist, and he leaned back against sunbaked skin. Caleb, rather respectfully, kept his hips absent from their embrace. Dim amber globes floated and bobbed in the air, and Essek brought Caleb’s arms around himself, safe. Caleb’s was hair a deep auburn in the orange light, new and exciting, but still so familiar. Essek squeezed the bright skin of Caleb’s arm and felt it tense around him. He watched the skin turn pale with his handprint for one a moment before flushing back to angry red. Caleb kissed Essek’s hair.

“You are fortunate we came to my home.” Essek smiled, and turned his head to let Caleb continue to kiss his temple. “I believe every household in Roshonna has treatments for sunburns, except maybe for your’s.” Caleb sighed, breathing out into Essek’s hair, and slowly let his arms fall away. Essek turned to face Caleb and watched him blink and smile sleepily.

“Ja, you’re probably right.” Caleb said and shrugged. Essek gently ran his hands down Caleb’s chest, careful not to press too hard, and kissed him. Caleb’s lips were sluggish and plush.

“You are tired?” Essek said, brushing his knee against Caleb’s leg. Caleb hummed, the dancing lights lighting up his eyes a moment. and gently laid his hands on Essek’s waist to pull him closer. Essek allowed himself to be pressed flush to Caleb, now with the assured inclusion of Caleb’s maintained desire. Essek dragged his nails down Caleb’s back, and had he not seen how Caleb flinched and tensed, their tryst might have resumed right there. But Essek gently removed Caleb’s hands, and Caleb sighed and blinked slowly. Caleb rolled his shoulders,straightened his back, and cracked his neck. 

“Where do you want me?” Caleb said, pulling his arms over his head with a yawn.

“Right where I have you.” Essek said, and laughed. “For now, you may wait on the bed. I will be but a moment.” 

He watched Caleb take a few trudging steps towards the bed before flopping face down onto it. Essek smiled, shook his head, and stepped out into the hallway. He found his way easily to the washroom, sure he would be able to do so even if his eyes were as bad as Caleb’s. He picked through various items, setting aside scented oils and salts until he found the well used balm he was looking for. He glanced at the set of towels hanging beside the bath, and pulled one loose to drape over his arm. For later, assuming this evening was still going in the direction he intended it to.

Caleb remained prostrate on the bed when Essek returned, which made Essek smile. There was a temptation to slap a bright handprint into Caleb’s ass, but knowing Caleb, it would only invite further playfulness, which would be better suited for a different time. Essek climbed onto the bed and set the towel on his nightstand. A globe of orange light bobbed past his peripheral, and Essek turned to find Caleb watching him quietly. Essek felt his heart speed up, just being under the gaze of this person. His face flushed, but Essek assured himself Caleb wouldn’t be able to tell in the low light. Essek quietly opened the drawer of his nightstand and looked down at the bottle of lubricant inside. He took a deep breath, and placed it on top of the table, closing the drawer behind.

If Caleb saw, he made no comment. Instead he reached out to drag his fingertips over Essek’s ankle. Essek felt a brief twist in his belly, but occupied himself by opening the healing slave and carving out a bit with his fingers. It had settled from long going unused, so Essek had to rub it between his palms to bring it back into a workable state. The slick sound it made did little to ease his growing nerves, despite Caleb seeming closer to falling asleep than partaking in further intimacy.

“You are ready?” Essek said, satisfied with the texture. He felt the light cooling sensation over his hands, and decided to quickly swipe over his own shoulders before seeing to Caleb. 

“Jap.” Caleb said. He folded his arms under his head and let his eyes slide shut. Essek smiled, scooted further down the bed, and began smoothing his hands over Caleb’s angry back, ever so gently at first, and then with some weight behind it. Caleb groaned and Essek’s skin tingled from the sound.

“Mmmm… “ Caleb hummed, eyes shut. “I will be sure to get many more sunburns.…” Caleb said, his face placid while Essek’s hands left lighter trails in the fading fire across his skin. Essek sighed, unable to quell his elation, or inexplicable smiling. He pressed along Caleb’s lower back and Caleb groaned again. Essek laughed.

“This doesn’t have to be reserved for sunburns.” Essek said, sitting back on his heels. He returned to the nightstand to carve out another bit of the salve. Caleb sighed, and blinked several times. He let his eyes fall shut again and smiled.

“….are you suggesting a different context in the future?” Caleb said.

Essek felt his face grow warmer again.

“Perhaps” Essek said, and turned to move back down the bed. “Lay your arms at your sides for me.” Essek said, and Caleb complied, falling back into hazy silence. Essek took Caleb’s arm from the shoulder, and pulled down the length of it, feeling the tight bundles of muscle relax in his hands. As he worked over each of Caleb’s fingers in turn, they closed around his briefly. Essek smiled and pressed a kiss to Caleb’s knuckles before moving around and seeing to his other arm. When the upper body was done, Essek gently touched the small of Caleb’s back before proceeding any lower, considering that some areas might be too sensitive for someone else’s hands.

“Is there anywhere you’d… prefer to see to yourself?” Essek said carefully. Caleb typically wasn’t one to turn down Essek’s touch, but it seemed right to ask. Caleb thought a moment.

“….ja, Mein Schwanz.” Caleb said. Essek paused, considered the context, and considered the phonetics.

“….your cock?” Essek said, and Caleb nodded.

“Ja.” Caleb said with a sigh. “You can touch it later, if you want.” Caleb said, smiling to himself. Essek snorted, and pressed into the top of Caleb’s glutes, which made his entire leg tremble and twitch wonderfully.

“Perhaps I might.” Essek said, and continued working down Caleb’s legs, now being mindful of where he was ticklish. 

“Other side.” Essek said, and gave a final squeeze to Caleb’s bottom(though hopefully not final for the entire night). Caleb remained still. Essek quirked a brow and toughed Caleb’s hand. “Something the matter?” Essek said.

Caleb shook his head and pushed himself up off his chest.

“No, just…ah… very aroused.” Caleb said, flushing where the sunburn had already been treated. Essek’s heart thudded in his chest. Caleb rolled up onto his hip, facing away from Essek. Caleb took a deep breath. “May- may I see the salve?” Caleb said. Essek blinked and then pressed the jar into Caleb’s hand. “Danke.” 

Essek glanced towards the nightstand where the other bottle remained. He felt his lips twist into a smile without him thinking to, and took a carefully controlled breath. Caleb summoned a glowing orb closer to his face and looked at the salve between his fingers before glancing over towards Essek.

“This is, ah, safe?” Caleb said. “For… later?”

“As far as I know.” Essek said, drumming his fingers over his knees. “We will still need, that,” Essek nodded to the nightstand and Caleb rolled over onto his back fully. Essek took a small breath and swallowed. “for, that.” Essek said. Very aroused indeed.

Caleb pushed himself more upright, and held the healing balm back towards Essek. When Essek reached to took it, eyes averted to a different, slightly distracting in its fervor, location. Caleb squeezed his hand and Essek snapped back to attention. Caleb’s brows were tipped up and his eyes remained on their clasped hands.

“…You said ‘maybe’ before, ja?” Caleb said. Essek nodded.

“That’s correct.” Essek said, and he felt the small hairs all over his body stand. Essek glanced from their entwined fingers to Caleb’s face and back down again. Caleb’s lips remained pressed together, and he tilted his head and pressed them tighter a moment. He blinked hard.

“I do not expect anything more than ‘maybe’.” Caleb said. Essek’s heart thudded again. Something like…. fireworks seemed to explode and sparkle inside him. Essek swallowed, and squeezed Caleb’s hand.

“I…appreciate it. But,” Essek said, and looked back up to Caleb, letting the popping and burning in his blood turn his expression to a tickling smile. “I am fairly certain I would like to have sex with you.” Essek said. He felt his chest expand and contract on its own accord. He would not allow himself any relief from this feeling by looking away from Caleb. Perhaps once, his eyes darted away. Caleb blinked, and the dancing lights faded into nothing. He blinked again. His brow relaxed. He laughed, smiled, frowned, then smiled and laughed again. Caleb squeezed Essek’s hand, leaning a little closer so their foreheads nearly brushed. He scooted himself closer, and Essek moved closer too. Even without the dancing lights, Caleb’s eyes shined.

“Fairly certain?” Caleb said. Essek felt Caleb’s breath mixing with his own, and swallowed, leaning back a bit, but squeezing Caleb’s hand to re-assure him this was not for lack of interest.

“Truthfully.” Essek said, and closed his eyes a moment. But he _wanted_ to see Caleb. He shook his head and opened them again. “Were I not aware it would cause you pain,” Essek said, “I would have acted upon my intentions sooner.” He watched Caleb smile and how his chest rose and fell more rapidly. He squeezed Caleb’s hand, and leaned closer again. “And I’m not fairly certain anymore.” Essek said, shaking his head and laughing as he spoke, just a little. “Just certain.”

Caleb laughed, and kissed him. And kissed him again. He kissed him until the only way to progress further was to recommence treating his burns, and even then, Essek pressed one more kiss.

“Essek.” Caleb said, seemingly just to say it. Essek took solace that Caleb could not see what he was sure was the deep purple of his blushing, or the rapid pulse in his neck. Essek glanced down and smiled at their still clasped hands.

“…. best we should work on your front side a little more.” Essek said. Caleb chuckled. 

“Ja, probably.” Caleb leaned back and gave Essek’s hand another squeeze before releasing him. Essek’s mind buzzed pleasantly, like he were drunk or high in some way. He dug more salve from the jar and worked it in his hands. His arms tingled.

“I….” Essek said. He closed his mouth and felt Caleb’s eyes on him. Essek watched his own hands working through the red hairs on Caleb’s belly, leaving them stark against his pale skin. Essek took a deep breath.” I think I would prefer to not try and finish, this time.” Essek said, glancing over to Caleb’s face. Caleb now stared up at the ceiling, but his breathing was calm, and he shrugged and nodded. 

“Ja, okay.” Caleb said, and Essek watched his toes fidget together and felt the curiosity emanating from Caleb. Essek watched the gradient of the burn fade away, and felt Caleb’s eyes still on him again as pushed himself up onto his elbows. “… can I ask why?” Caleb said. Essek twisted his lips a bit, and he cleared one hand of balm, to snap a small candle to light on the nightstand. 

“I would… prefer not to be worrying about the …consequences. That tend to follow.” Essak said, following the lines of Caleb’s body down his knees. Essek smiled, feeling over the wrinkled texture. “This has all been so wonderful- trying to finish seems an unnecessary stipulation when I might make things worse.” He said. Then he blinked and quickly looked up to Caleb. “For me.” He added. He gestured to Caleb, suddenly unsure if he was being clear. “Y-You can finish- if you want to- I mean, I _hope_ you can finish.” Essek said, scooting up to Caleb’s chest and feeling a warmth over his ears and face. Caleb smiled in the candle-light. His features were cast in shadows, but it was still him. 

“I think I will be able to finish.” Caleb said, and lightly dragged his fingers along Essek’s tense back. Caleb took a deep, pondering breath. He licked his lips, and laughed a breath, glancing away a moment before looking back at Essek. “Can I still ask you, if you are or are not enjoying yourself?” Caleb said. Essek turned to him briefly, nodding.

“Of course.” Essek said. “Pleasure, I have no aversion to. Just then…personal culmination.” Caleb nodded.

“The drop?” Caleb said. Essek nodded. 

“Precisely.” Essek said. Caleb took his hand.

“Okay.” Caleb said, and rubbed his thumb over Essek’s fingers. “It can be… challenging. Sometimes.” Caleb said. “To tell if you are enjoying something, or if it is too much.” Essek nodded.

“I can imagine that.” Essek said, with a light laugh, and sat back on his heels. He pressed his lips together a moment and shifted to lay next to Caleb, who wrapped an arm around Essek’s shoulders and touched his hair as they lay back. “I…..hm.” Essek said, furrowed his brow, and looked up at Caleb. “You say you find my reactions confusing, but I am under the impression you also find it…endearing?” Essek said. Caleb laughed lightly and nodded, and Essek smiled. 

“Ja, I do.” Caleb said.

“Good. I…” Essek reached up across Caleb’s chest and applied the balm down his nose.

His hand drifted off to one of Caleb’s cheeks, and then over his chin to the other. Caleb turned his head, and Essek’s arm rose and fell with his breathing. “It has never been my intent to make you question if I want the things I am asking for.” Essek said. “I know that is my responsibility to communicate clearly.” 

Caleb nodded.

Essek propped himself up on his elbow and drew the last bit of red from Caleb’s forehead and temples. He heard his heart over the quiet of the room. Essek’s skin felt colder, more exposed, not being pressed to Caleb, so he screwed the lid back on the jar and set in on the nightstand. He rubbed the remainder of the salve into the towel, and glanced to the other bottle, still waiting patiently on the nightstand. Essek took a breath, set the towel aside, and turned back over to press himself to Caleb again. Caleb kept his head tipped towards Essek, just watching him. Essek smiled, and felt Caleb’s fingertips drifting over his spine. Caleb’s eyes moved from Essek's lips, to his eyes. 

“….Sunburn’s gone.” Caleb said. Essek nodded, and ran his hand over the fine hairs on Caleb's chest. Caleb shifted onto his side, and Essek carefully lifted his knee over Caleb’s thigh to entwine their legs. His heart felt faster, but not panicked, _excited._

“It is.” Essek said. Caleb reached out, a soft touch down Essek’s cheek that he followed and leaned into. Caleb swallowed, and Essek scooted closer. Caleb’s arm came lightly to Essek’s back, and Essek pressed against him, pushing his hips forward. He watched, with a decent amount of satisfaction, as the red color they had so carefully removed from Caleb, returned. Caleb swallowed.

“There is some, uh.” Caleb said, “Some…preparation required?” Essek nodded. 

“There is.” Essek said. Caleb nodded. 

“Should- should I…?” Caleb said, and Essek quickly shook his head. 

“Ah, best not this time.” Essek said. “Not that I don’t trust you, it’s more… this particular substance has a way of staining my sheets, and I’d prefer to keep the… waste, to a minimum.” Caleb nodded. 

“Probably for the best. I am…somewhat out of practice.” Caleb said, smiling. Essek smiled and kissed his nose. 

“We’ll soon amend that.” Essek said. He rolled onto his other side, taking a careful breath. The bottle seemed lighter in his hands than normal, and he soon had three fingers adequately lubricated. He replaced the bottle on the nightstand. Now came the difficult part. 

Essek turned onto his back, halting briefly to take another deep breath in, and another out. Caleb remained beside him, eyes wide in the low light. Essek considered blowing the candle out, but decided it would probably be a bad idea, keeping Caleb’s enjoyment in mind… Would Caleb enjoy it? Of course he would, Essek had already proven himself to be more than enough for Caleb. This was just… extra. Something they could share, that no-one else could have a say in. 

Essek smiled, thinking of intimate, special secrets. He scooted his feet further apart, and reached between his legs. He prodded carefully, recognizing his wound nerves, and waited for his body to respond to the light pressure of a single fingertip. He could hear Caleb’s carefully quiet breathing beside him, and frowned, considering that he hadn’t really been left with anything to do. Essek’s finger slipped in with that distraction, His lips parted slightly and he furrowed his brow- this was no time to get distracted.

There was no pain, just the intensity of sensation. He pressed further, dragging his finger in and out. Giving ample notice to his body for what was to come.

His body seemed rather okay with that. 

Essek sighed and let his head fall to the side, the sensation ebbing from odd, to pleasant. Essek opened his eyes, and found Caleb watching him with a small smile. Essek smiled back, still moving his arm gently.

“Apologies.” Essek said, and Caleb blinked. Essek looked back to the ceiling and shut his eyes again, focusing. “This cannot be very entertaining for you.” Caleb shook his head.

“No, it’s…. _fine_.” He said. Essek smiled at Caleb’s reverent tone. He turned his head the other way, took a private breath, and added a second finger. He grimaced out of Caleb’s sight. The tension returned to a degree, but Essek kept breathing, stayed diligent. A whole lot of good it would do him. Fingers and slender dildos where one thing- but there wasn’t much to do about being out of practice with any actual girth, aside from acquiring some. Essek’s body tensed.It was better in the long run to be as relaxed as possible than not, but there was some disappointment that he couldn’t expect things to be easy. 

Nothing could ever be easy- not anymore, anyway. Essek took a deep breath, turned his face towards Caleb. This was not easy, but that didn’t make it impossible.

Caleb laughed lightly. Essek opened one eye to look at him, and found him watching intently with an easy, wide, smile. Essek smirked.

“Enjoying what you see?” Essek said. Caleb nodded.

“I…” Caleb said, but glanced away briefly and flushed. Oh, this was encouraging. ”…hope this doesn’t sound creepy.” Caleb said, and looked back to Essek’s face. “But I rather like watching you.” Essek grinned.

“Few have.” He said, shutting his eyes again. “Consider yourself privileged.”Essek took another deep breath and tried to press in further, but to no avail. Nowhere to go but out, from here. He paused a moment, and turned to Caleb. “Ah, would you?” Essek said. He nodded towards the bottle and Caleb nodded.

“Ja.” He said, leaning over Essek to take it. “Gladly.” Caleb laid back once more, and Essek smiled and shut his eyes again. Three fingers now. He listened to the sounds of Caleb getting ready: the lid being re-sealed, the wet sounds of masturbation.

Essek frowned. The light soreness that came with another finger, wasn’t an issue, but humanoid wrists really couldn’t bend far enough for this to be productive or comfortable past a minute or so. Essek slid the third digit back out and relaxed his wrist with a sigh. A small respite. On a whim, he curled his fingers(with luck), in exactly the right spot. Sensation flooded his whole body, and he let out a small groan. 

“ _Caleb._ ” Essek said, ears and neck going hot and pushing his face away, into the sheets, as much as his position would permit him. Essek had no intention of chasing release as he continued to rub, but a little indulgence hadn’t killed him yet. And if Caleb got some additional pleasure from seeing and hearing him masturbate, then it was all the more reason to. Essek tapped and pressed, and felt a dribble down his arm from his cock. His middle tensed and sweet sensation seemed to radiation outwards- _Gods this was so much easier than fucking_. Why did he even care about fucking? Essek slowly pulled his fingers back and let the last bits of pleasure steam out from his skin. 

Essek could hear Caleb’s slightly labored breathing, and reached to the nightstand for the towel. The sounds of Caleb stroking himself slowed as Essek sat up and cast a quick prestidigitation after wiping his hand. Essek turned to face him and Caleb blinked, still wide eyed in the dim light.

“You.. a-are ready?” Caleb said, his breath slowing with some effort. Essek reached out, took Caleb’s wrist from his cock and rubbed his hand with the towel. It crossed Essek’s mind to tease that Caleb might be too tightly wound to last, but he decided against it. Caleb’s eyes were stuck on whatever Essek did, and Caleb swallowed. “H-how do you want to….?” Essek kissed him, slow and simple, and Caleb’s stuttering was silenced. Essek saw the red blush over Caleb’s shoulders and cheeks.

“Can you see well enough?” Essek said, placing the towel aside and encouraging Caleb back into leaning against the headboard while Essek climbed in his lap. Caleb nodded and smiled.

“Ja,” Caleb said. He ran a hand lightly down Essek’s front. “Just not as well as you.” Essek lifted himself onto his knees and smiled.

“Pity.” Essek said, pressing his palms into Caleb’s shoulders and leaning close to his face. “I’d hate for us to be on uneven footing.” Essek said. Caleb scrunched his nose and leaned forward.

“Liar.” Caleb said. Essek grinned as Caleb kissed his smug face, and then lifted his hips, steadying himself on Caleb. Essek felt a light tremble in his arms, and Caleb did too. Caleb held the base of his own cock, and turned his head to kiss Essek’s fingertips at his shoulder. He brought his free hand to Essek’s back and began tracing familiar, comforting, shapes. Essek smiled, took a deep breath and sought him out.

Essek expected resistance, and there was some. Caleb’s lips pressed together and shuddered a moment as Essek sunk down an inch and stopped. The ache spread, from their point of connection through the entirely of Essek’s bottom. Caleb pinched his eyes shut and knocked his head against the headboard with a loud ‘KONK’. Essek laughed.

“Do not injure yourself.” Essek said, gritting his teeth a little as his body reminded him this was _precisely_ the amount of discomfort he could expect from being out of practice. “Please.”He brows twitched through the mild discomfort, and Essek shut his eyes and exhaled sharply. “Gods, it has been quite a while.” 

“You are not alone there.” Caleb said, smiling, taking a breath, and puffing out his cheeks on an exhale. Still his fingertips continued tracing over Essek’s back, the bastard. Essek sank down a little further and felt the ache spread deeper into his ass cheeks, forcing him to stop. He grimaced, but breathed steadily as he waited for it to pass. Essek watched Caleb twitch from a smile and the rise and fall of his chest like frantic bellows. 

“Is there- “ Caleb squeezed his eyes shut and covered his mouth. Essek momentarily pitied the amount of restraint Caleb was being required to exercise. “Should-should I do anything?” Caleb said, and let his hand drop onto Essek's thigh, carefully tilting his head back to rest and letting out another breath. 

“Ah- best not for right now.” Essek said with a strained smile, and moved one hand to the headboard. “Obviously, try not to move, but otherwise, I’m afraid there’s not much.” Caleb breathed in, out, in, out, and laughed lightly again. He shook his head a little.

“I had forgotten how long this part could take.” Caleb said. He rubbed along Essek’s thigh. Essek smiled. An admirable amount of patience. Essek took a deep breath, and made a slight change in angle, just to help relax himself a little. The shifted pressure allowed for some pleasure to enter the mix, just enough to mitigate the discomfort. His body squeezed a little in response, and Essek felt Caleb’s fingers dig into his thigh.

“Ah- could you hand me that?” Essek said, nodding towards the bottle. Caleb opened his eyes and looked towards the nightstand.

“Ja.” Caleb carefully reached over, and popped the cap. Essek took another breath and carefully rose up off of Caleb, who quickly re-lubricated and set the bottle aside. Essek looked from Caleb’s slick hand to the towel. Caleb caught his eye, and carefully brought his hand to Essek’s cock. 

Unexpected was, certainly a word. Essek shuddered and bit his lip, gripping into Caleb’s shoulders, his heart pounding faster again. But Caleb was gentle, and slow, and backed off to only caressing the underside, skirting far away from that line between pleasurable and overwhelming. Essek took several breaths, smiled, thinking of Caleb's practiced eye for reading him, and laughed.

“…you are too good to me.” Essek said. Caleb’s brows furrowed and he tilted his head foward.

“That is nonsense.” Caleb said. Caleb very politely wiped the excess lube onto the towel provided. Essek looked as him, still smiling. He sighed and let Caleb hold him closer, kissing his cheeks and beginning to line them back up.

Caleb brought his arms to Essek’s back let his nails scratch lightly, up over his shoulders and down to his wrists. Essek felt goose prickles raise on his skin and arched into strength of Caleb’s hold. Too good to him. Essek leaned forward and kissed him, sliding one hand down to his chest and back up to his shoulder. Things went smoother now. The ache was less and Caleb groaned against Essek’s lips and held his arms tighter, but otherwise stayed perfectly still. Essek licked and pulled at Caleb’s mouth. The sensation spread, tickling up and out, until the constant pressure of _Caleb_ was at the forefront of his mind. Essek let his weight settle fully, holding Caleb’s face in his hands and kissing him how he’d dreamed. Essek breathed over Caleb’s lips. 

“ _Caleb._ ” Essek said, and moved. Caleb’s cock dragged within him like a heeded declaration.

“Essek.” Caleb said, and Essek felt his warm breath over his skin as Caleb pressed his face to Essek’s neck. Essek ran his hands over Caleb’s shoulders and down his arms, digging in with his nails. Caleb shuddered in every part, and Essek sunk down again. The press back in was as good as the drag out. Essek’s arms seemed unfit for supporting him- rather Caleb should be- he could think of little else. Essek brought one of Caleb’s hands to his chest and leaned into it. Caleb hummed against him and started their lazy kissing again. Essek continued in a slow series of rising and falling over him, not even trying to stop the small catches in his breath when that pleasant fullness pressed into him time and time again. 

“Caleb…” Essek whispered, and on the next decent pulled Caleb to his chest. Caleb kissed along his sternum before moving to a nipple to suck at. Essek felt a blooming pleasantness up his cock and bit his lip. 

“Good?” Essek heard Caleb’s voice say. 

“Yes…” Essek said, exhaling, running his palms over Caleb’s shoulder blades. The movements were shallower, and if only they could change their angle, this could be magnificently more enjoyable. “Could- you carefully lie down?” He could feel Caleb’s breath rocking him softly, and Essek sunk down to Caleb’s neck, kissing and nipping gently. Caleb nodded and slowly inched them down the bed, holding Essek steady without rocking up into him. When they were horizontal, Essek pressed his knees down and folded one arm over Caleb’s chest to lean into. Essek fucked himself onto Caleb’s cock, working it no more than a few inches each time. 

The flittering, tickling, tension about his body built. Essek moaned into Caleb’s neck, fading into a shuddering groan. He felt a laugh in Caleb’s chest and a warm hand on his back. Essek kept going. There was nothing to it but to keep hitting that one spot. Caleb craned his neck forward and kissed Essek’s hair.

“Good?” Caleb whispered. Essek kept his pace, but pushed himself up to kiss Caleb so suddenly and enthusiastically, that there was a ‘click’ as their teeth knocked together. Caleb laughed, and Essek smiled and fell back into the haze of his pleasure. Essek could feel the soft caress of Caleb’s hands over his back, hear the low hum from his chest as they kissed and fucked. He was nearly lost to it- lost to the whirlwind that had spun out from his connection with Caleb, and eliminated the rest of the world. He felt his balls tighten, his cock grow heavier. Essek took a great gasp, and stilled his hips before it was too grand to shake. He grit his teeth at the need in his cock and gasped another breath. 

So close. precisely on the edge. Precisely where he wanted to be. Essek sunk down fully, and clenched his fists as he pushed himself upright. Caleb’s fingertips tickled up his sides, and Essek shut his eyes and continued to breath hard. One wrong move, and it would happen. Caleb’s fingers drummed, and Essek opened his eyes as Caleb carefully sat up to smooth back Essek’s hair. It was a quiet touch, non-arousing, solid. Essek’s heart slowed, and swelled. Caleb continued to pick Essek’s hair back into shape, pressing his lips to Essek's cheek and collarbone.

“Mein Shatz,” Caleb said, “tell me what you want.” Essek breathed, body tingling, but smiled and laughed.

“…I want to know why the word you used for your cock…” Essek said, wrapping his arms around Caleb and beginning to move again, “….sounds so similar to whatever you just called me.” He felt as much as heard Caleb’s laugh, accompanied by the steady thrum of his heart. Caleb pulled them back to the headboard, and starting raising his hips ever so slightly to meet Essek.

“…’why’, I am afraid I do not know.” Caleb said, chuckling. “But one is far more precious to me than the other.” Caleb kissed his temple, and Essek felt a small chill run over him, perfectly balanced by every point of pressure in Caleb’s embrace.

“Treasure.” Caleb said. Essek leaned into Caleb’s neck, smiling.

“Hmm.” Essek said, rubbing his thumb over Caleb’s collarbone. “You certainly do make me feel special.” Essek moved to kiss Caleb, rocking his hips in a few long strokes that made Caleb’s throat groan and his legs twitch. Essek smiled, and kept the pace and scratched the stubble beginning to texture Caleb’s chin. “I want to make you cum.” Essek said, not even an inch from Caleb’s lips. Caleb’s eyes slid shut and he trembled a little, which was a good thing because _fuck_ Essek's face went hot at the phrasing. “S-so you should tell me how to do that.” 

Caleb laughed, flushing darker himself, taking a big breath in, and pressing his forehead firmly against Essek’s. Caleb kissed him while his hands gripped Essek’s hips and moved him over his full length. Essek swallowed, and drew his hands to Caleb’s chest.

“More of _that,_ please.” Caleb said. Essek rose and fell once again, twisting Caleb’s nipples in his fingers and kissing him. Caleb groaned and Essek glowed in the encouragement, but in repeating the motion, Essek felt a sharp protest in his right hip. He ignored it, pushing through a few more repetitions until it became clear he had reached some sort of physical limit for the time being. He slowed and tried to shift his weight, but it was to no avail, despite the lovely reactions Caleb gave. He settled his weight down, and kissed and nipped under Caleb's chin. With one more kiss, Essek sighed.

“We… may have to find another fashion of arranging ourselves.” Essek said, and Caleb caressed over his back.

“You are okay?” Caleb said. Essek huffed, and on a whim, gave Caleb a squeeze and watched his eyes momentarily widen. Essek smiled, and rocked carefully until the pain returned.

“I am experiencing a small amount of… physical strain. Here, though.” Essek touched his hip to indicate. “We don’t have to stop.” Essek said, smiling, and shaking his head. Caleb blinked and nodded, hugging Essek to his chest to kiss his hairline.

“Ja, we can work around that.” Caleb said.

“What…uh.” Essek said and and leaned back to look at him. He smiled at anew while Caleb insisted on kissing his cheek and trailing his hands up and down Essek’s arms. “Do you have any preference?” Essek said.

Caleb pinched his lips together and sighed. He brought his hands to Essek’s bottom and gave a gentle squeeze. 

“I…” Caleb said, but paused a moment. He shut his mouth and drummed his fingers on Essek. Essek felt a pinch of worry try and worm its way into his mind. “I….would like to see you.” Caleb said. “So changing places would probably be best.” Caleb carefully watched Essek’s face, trying to gauge his response. Essek took a deep, long, breath, and nodded. Caleb tilted his head and gently took Essek's hands. “I do not want you do be uncomfortable.” Caleb squeezed. Essek smiled, and turned his head away a moment, somehow feeling too full in his chest, of all places. Overwhelmed in an entirely different way than he had expected in this exact scenario, and it made his eyes water.

“Essek?” Caleb said, leaning a little closer. Essek took a shaky breath, and smiled. He shook his head, wiping at his eyes.

“No, Caleb, I will be fine.” He said. He sniffed and rubbed his hand over his face. He felt moisture on his palms and looked at Caleb’s still concerned face. Essek laughed to himself, shaking his head at the ridiculousness of it all, and leaned forward. Caleb’s arms came around him,and Essek nipped and kissed at his jaw before moving back up to his lips. He rubbed his fingers over Caleb’s stubble. Essek kissed him long and slow, staying in this moment of desired affection, freely given and happily received. Caleb’s lips stuck briefly to his as they parted, and Caleb took a long sigh and held Essek’s palms against his cheeks.Essek just smiled, looking at Caleb in the candlelight, and staying close. 

“With you, I am fine.” Essek said, rubbing his thumbs along Caleb’s cheekbones. Caleb smiled with a light laugh, and pressed their foreheads together for a moment. These moments of pause, when reality seemed to point out that, yes, this was real, seemed little achieved impossibilities all their own. Caleb took one more deep breath while Essek let his eyes close briefly in this time they were able to share.

“Okay.” Caleb said, nodding. “Okay. I-I will try and uh…” Caleb started to push himself up, and Essek slid his arms around Caleb’s back, holding tight. Caleb huffed, and levered them carefully. Essek hummed and started kissing up Caleb’s neck, squeezing him occasionally as he tried to solve the puzzle of their arrangement. Caleb laughed.

"You are being distracting, again..." Caleb said, and Essek narrowed his eyes with a smile. Caleb shifted his knees forwards, and hefted Essek up slightly, holding him under both knees. Essek felt heat rush over his face and chest, and tightened his thighs around Caleb. He wasn’t heavy, but he hadn’t ever considered Caleb particularly, physically, strong. Caleb seemed similarly surprised his ability to lift Essek, and laughed.

“.…you know, you will, break my ribs doing that…” Caleb said, and Essek flushed, quickly hooked his ankles together, and relaxed to let Caleb take on his full weight.

“R-right. Apologies.” Essek said. Caleb smiled and kissed him, humming happily. Essek rolled his eyes.

“Am I supposed to tell you you’re stronger than you know?” Essek said, and Caleb hummed, creating intentionally loud, squealing, kisses up Essek's neck. Essek huffed and gave Caleb's chin a good-natured shove away. The bastard was giggling.

“No,” Caleb said, quite pleased with himself, and pressed a proper kiss to Essek’s temple. “just keep being very much, you.”

Essek smiled and pushed his face into Caleb’s neck, his middle twisting with… excitement? It wasn’t fear. Caleb could lift him, support him. There was some kind of innate joy in that fact. 

Essek raked his nails up Caleb’s back, and Caleb groaned, bumping his hips forward a little. It was a strange sensation, the penetration without being firmly on the ground. Like being back in the open water, but without the threat of tides and revolting sea grasses drifting everywhere. Essek kissed Caleb’s cheek.

“Let me try something…” Essek said, and flicked his wrist and muttered an incantation. Caleb iwas able to straighten up as Essek’s spell took effect. The levitation was not enough to lift them, just enough to give Caleb’s arms more freedom. There were better uses for them when Essek could very well magically support himself. Caleb relaxed his shoulders slightly, and turned to Essek’s mouth. 

“Gods you are so fucking smart.” Caleb said, and kissed him, bringing one hand to hold his head steady while the other kneaded at his ass. Essek smiled against him, curling his toes and feeling Caleb begin to fuck upwards again with added enthusiasm. Essek hummed against his mouth, and leaned into Caleb, bending him slightly backwards, their embrace preventing him from drifting away.

“Mmm, keep the compliments coming.” Essek said, and bit carefully along Caleb’s shoulder. His middle contracted pleasantly as Caleb lifted him higher, adopting a sharp, deep thrust intermittent with a much quicker, shallow rhythm. Like a wave crashing every so often into the shallows. Essek pressed his forehead into Caleb’s, this angle just right enough to caress past certain sensitive areas without focusing only there. A soft, regrettably _needy_ sound came from Essek’s throat, and he immediately dug his nails into Caleb’s back, groaning at his lack of restraint and feeling his ears grow hot. Caleb laughed.

“Good?” Caleb said, fingers tickling along Essek’s shoulders.

“Shut up.” Essek said, and raked his nails down Caleb’s back. Caleb grit his teeth, and doubled, if not tripled his pace. Essek was momentarily overwhelmed and his legs nearly kicked away their hold on Caleb’s waist, but Essek bit down on his own thumb and focused on the dull pain. Caleb lifted him higher, and suddenly the shape of him _was_ focused in only one spot. Essek’s body pulsed and his chest failed to breath on its own. His mouth was open, but silent. His fingers trembled, every muscle tight, and he finally managed wrench one hand away and pointedly tap at the top of Caleb’s rear. He was mercifully lowered back down. Essek's chest heaved as his wind caught up with him, gasping and sweating lightly. Caleb slowed to a deep, but subtle movement, and sighed over Essek’s ear, making him flinch and fail to hold his voice back. 

“Ah!” Essek said, and immediately shut his eyes and slapped a hand over his mouth. Caleb pressed his thumbs into the small of Essek’s back and rubbed....

He was _giggling._

Essek’s face burned and he seethed at both Caleb and himself. Caleb hummed, amused no doubt, and resumed a deeper rhythm.

“Would you be annoyed," Caleb said, and smiling with mischief, "if I ever tried to get those sounds from you?” Essek laughed dryly, keeping his flushed face well away from where Caleb could see it. Caleb chuckled and nuzzled into him, kissing up his shoulders. “I do find them veeeeery sexy….” 

Essek groaned in frustration. His arms protested, his mind, his shoulders, his sense of decency and poise. But his heart swelled, and he made himself breath through his nose, and pushed himself back so Caleb could see his flushed face, as well as the irritation in his features. Essek threaded his fingers into Caleb’s hair and pulled.

“You are playing my goals against me…” Essek said, and accentuated his annoyance with a sharp tug. Caleb smiled and scrunched his nose.

“Inconceivable." Caleb said. "I am aiding you towards your goal.” Essek smirked. 

“Interesting how my goal would seem to be your reward.” Essek said.

“….I’m a lucky guy.” Caleb said, and kissed him again. Caleb nosed around to Essek’s ear, and Essek turned his head away, feeling a chill down his spine. 

“Perhaps, ah, not there. At this exact moment.”Essek said, and caught Caleb’s eye.

“Too sensitive?” Caleb said, and kissed his cheek instead.

“Too sensitive.” Essek said, smiling, and leaning away slightly so Caleb could kiss down his neck. He licked and gently nipped there, and Essek gave in and hummed low in his throat, tugging at Caleb’s hair. Caleb bit harder, and Essek grit his teeth and dug his nails in. Caleb’s hips slowed for a moment, and Essek felt a hand steady his back. They were tipping over....

His heart sped up and he scrambled slightly, looking over his shoulder as though his own bed of all things, were some great chasm. 

“Essek.” Caleb said, and Essek’s back felt the light tough of his fine satin sheets before the levitation magic pushed him up again. He arched his back away from the bed, breath coming quick and shallow- “Essek!” Caleb’s dug his fingernails into Essek’s back, scraping downwards, and it was enough to snap Essek’s attention back to him. 

Caleb and his magic still held him slightly aloft, hunched, like some great burden. But it was only Essek, panicking over his own damn bad. Essek felt heat wash wash over him, making him feel unpleasantly sweaty, but with Caleb still holding him up, he finally managed a slow breath. “Is. This. Okay?” Caleb said firmly, and let out a breath. Essek stared blankly at Caleb while his heart continued to pound. Caleb laughed, shaking his head with a questioning lilt.

“….One way or another, I’m not going to last much longer.” Caleb said, and his knees trembled. He hugged Essek close and pressed his cheek to Essek's head. Essek swallowed and peeked back at the bed. “Essek.” Caleb said. Essek’s mind focused on the question, working fast to weigh the possibilities. “I need an answer.” Caleb said. Essek chewed his lip, his desires acting out a war of attrition. Essek shut his eyes tightly, and sighed.

“Yes, it’s okay.” Essek said, feeling his own pulse rapid in his neck. He nodded, and licked his lips. “But you will have to keep me focused on something else.” He opened his eyes and held Caleb’s gaze. “A-and I’ll loose the spell.” Caleb blinked and nodded.

"You are okay with that?" Caleb said, and Essek nodded.  Caleb hugged Essek tighter, straightening them back up, letting Essek’s back be further away from the mattress. He could breath easier here. “ _How_ do you want me to distract you?” Caleb said, and Essek frowned, pulling himself back off Caleb’s shoulders to face him.

“I-I- um.” Essek’s mind raced to anything that would keep him utterly distracted, and he flushed. He bit his lip and dug his nails into Caleb’s back. “Fuck!” Essek said. Essek shut his eyes, pulling his chin to his chest. He rubbed over the bridge of his nose.

“ _Essek_.” Caleb said, and let his forehead tip forward and bump into Essek’s. “ _Answer._ ” Caleb exhaled, and his arms shook a little under Essek’s weight. Essek nodded, and took a deep breath.

“The-ah. The- biting?” Essek said, “And…ah…. b-being annoying.” 

Essek saw Caleb’s eyes widen, and ducked his head back over Caleb’s shoulder. Essek _knew_ that dumb, surprised-but pleased-expression Caleb would be making, and pointedly refused to indulge him in any further satisfaction than already intended!

“Essek…” Caleb said, and Essek huffed, but smiled and pressed his cheek against Caleb’s skin. Caleb turned his head as much as he could, trying to face him, but Essek was firm in his stance. Caleb took a deep breath in, and hugged him tightly. “You are…so cute.” Caleb said. He dug his nails, hard, into Essek’s back, and the spell dropped.

In his ‘distractions’, Caleb set a punishing pace, and nipping and licking down Essek’s neck. Essek’s arms scrambled over Caleb, trying to stay aloft despite himself. Caleb gripped Essek’s bicep and pressed it into the bed. The relief it brought to Caleb’s shoulders and neck was enough to have him do the same with Essek’s other arm. Essek gasped and panted, turning his head this way and that. 

Caleb bit down on Essek’s neck, and felt Essek’s jaw clench tight along with his fists. Caleb felt the luxurious, softly tingling sensation of getting close, and stifled a groan. It seemed so long since they started, Caleb was shocked his dick wasn't sore. Caleb ducked his head down and took one of Essek’s nipples in his mouth, licking and sucking at first until he felt Essek squirm. Caleb's neck ached, and his jaw fell open as his cock encouraged his exhausted back onwards.

“Gods, Essek…” Caleb said without even really thinking. Essek clenched around him, driven to push his own limits by what? His stubborn intent to somehow ‘win’ at sex? "You are ridiculous." Caleb said. 

Goal oriented. Infuriatingly charming. That was Essek. 

“…Caleb!” Essek squirmed his head aside.  Gods, if listening to indistinguishable, barely articulate sounds were good, hearing his own name was enough to drive Caleb towards madness. Caleb softened his grip on Essek’s arms, leaning down onto his elbows and holding Essek pinned instead under the weight of his chest. With his now free hands, Caleb slipped under Essek's arms and held his head to kiss him. Caleb pulled his thumbs across both of Essek's ears. Essek was stilled and was pliant for a moment, and then shook his head viciously from his expression of bliss Caleb failed to contain a laugh.

“That’s…” Essek began, but shivered when Caleb’s fingers tickled his ear again. Essek huffed, crinkling his nose with barely enough focus left unclaimed for arguing. “You are _cheating_!” Caleb snorted and kissed him, moving both his arms to take Essek’s hands and squeeze them. Essek squeezed back. Caleb’s kiss pressed Essek’s head into the mattress with a fervor. Caleb hummed into him, rising in pitch and duration as he felt his cock swell right before the end. There was nothing to be heard over the wet slap of skin on skin. 

“Essek…. Essek-” Caleb managed, and his shoulders shook. He heard Essek panting beneath him, and closed his teeth around his already marred neck. Caleb licked and bit, holding Essek still as he finally slipped over the edge. Every nerve that fired did so in the best way- pulsing and sustaining so that Caleb's brain was overwhelmed by pleasure. 

_"Fuck-Essek."_ Caleb began to gasp and pant, barely catching a smile grace Essek's features. Adorable Bastard. Essek seemed to easily take the insistent nudging of Caleb’s hips now, distracted by the splendor of his perceived success. Caleb kissed Essek, and felt a new smile against him as Essek’s hands left his own and came to his hold his cheeks. 

Caleb’s heart pounded in his chest, and slipped his arms under Essek’s damp shoulders, to haul them upright. Caleb pressed slow kisses over Essek’s flushed cheeks and nose. A long, tense breath finally left him, as the satisfaction ebbed and slowed his movements. Essek traced little circles and spirals over Caleb's back, still quiet and rather pleased with himself. Caleb sighed.

"Okay, time to come back to earth." Caleb said, and lifted Essek with shaky arms.  Essek’s legs swung free, and Essek pulled himself up by Caleb’s sore shoulders, letting Caleb’s cock slip out. Essek pressed another kiss to Caleb's forehead before letting his knees hit the mattress. They leaned against each other, breathing slow and sweaty. Caleb took a deep breath and kissed Essek’s hair. In the dim light, he could see faint darker lines in sets of 5 down Essek’s back. Caleb smiled, and then was struck with a mild concern. Caleb took Essek's chin and turned his head, where a deep bruise in the shape of Caleb’s mouth remained on his neck. Coming back to his senses, Essek shooed Caleb face away and touched the indents left by Caleb’s teeth. Essek sighed and smiled.

“…That will be… something, to cover before I return to the Bright Queens’s court tomorrow.” Essek said. His eyes were accentuated by a small, reflected flame. Caleb smiled and brushed past the mark with his finger.

“… got a little carried away.” Caleb said, and Essek wrapped his arms around Caleb’s neck and snuggled his cheek to Caleb’s shoulder. 

“It is no matter.” Essek said. Caleb touched his fingers gently down Essek’s back, counting the lines, perfectly spaced to his fingers. “I rather enjoyed you getting carried away.” Essek said. Caleb's heart glowed and he hugged Essek tighter. Essek laughed and hummed. “I am glad you did too.” He said.

Essek allowed Caleb to hold him and bask in their shared comfort before giving a light tap to indicate the hug was finished. Essek glanced around the bed, assessing any damage. Satisfied, he turned back to Caleb, who could feel himself beginning to sway with exhaustion. “Do you with to join me for a quick bath before sleep?” Essek said, perfectly awake. Caleb smiled.

“I might not even make it to the tub.” Caleb said. Essek shrugged.

“No matter." Essek said. "I can safely get you back here should you fall asleep.” He tucked a hair behind Caleb’s ear. Caleb leaned into the soft touch and sighed. Safe.

“Lead the way.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Big thanks to my friends who gave lots of input on the 'mechanics' of this chapter. I also can't recommend enough, sex educator Emily Nagoski's book, Come As You Are. It focuses on Cis-women's sexuality, but includes lots of brain chemistry and phycological stuff that has gone into this fic time and time again.


	13. 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Essek and Caleb share a brief respite, Dairon and Beau discuss the next steps.

Caleb was used to waking up while others continued to sleep. He was used to waking up in the dome, wearing the same filthy clothes he’d been wearing for a week.

This morning, when he opened his eyes, he could hear Essek’s subtle breathing beside him. The bed was warm between them, and cold towards the edges.

Dark Rosohna mornings, Caleb was also used to. He knew where everything was in his room at home, but Essek's world was a fresh addition. All that was certain- as far as location went- was the bed beneath him, and Essek beside him. 

Caleb quietly summoned Frumpkin to the floor, and the cat retrieved Caleb’s components from wherever they had wound up. Once the small drawstring bag was in his hand, Caleb dug out a bit of phosphorus, careful to whisper the incantation that brought the spell to life. The amber globes drifted over Essek’s shape. Caleb smiled. Essek’s hair was kinked and crushed under his head. A small crust of sleep clung to the inner corners of his eyes. Essek’s eyelids twitched as he slept. Or tranced? More questions to wonder at.

Frumpkin jumped up quietly, close to Caleb, paws sinking into the dark duvet that covered the bed. Had there been a duvet last night? So much else had seemed important at the time. Caleb recast the cantrip, and took in as many details of the room as he could.  
A wardrobe, a desk, and a chair. A tall mirror, garishly embossed with gems. Fairly large, unlit sconces on the wall. A bookshelf with unreadable titles in Undercommon. A pair of long, dark, curtains- covering a window, he assumed. The single door to the hallway was shut. Frumpkin picked his way towards Essek, and the light faded.

Caleb heard the scrape of claws across fabric, an “I-want-to-go-under-there-wake-up-and-hold-it-up-for-me”, coupled with incessant purring. Essek shifted about, rolling over. As if that would stop a determined, snuggly, cat. Essek let out a long sigh and flopped back onto his back. The sconces on the walls began to glow, bringing a soft, almost sunlit quality to the room. Caleb watched Frumpkin curl into a ball right atop Essek’s chest. Essek’s eyes remained closed, but he smirked as Frumpkin purred and purred.

“Good morning.” Caleb said, and waited to find if Essek was truly awake.

“Good-“ Essek said, but a yawn broke through. “——- morning.” It was still early, Caleb knew. These private hours together seemed a reality removed from the rest of the world. Respite from the unpleasant consequences of their lives. Essek stretched and let his hand settle on Frumpkin’s back, and Caleb found himself a little jelous, of all things. Enjoy it while you can, Katez.

“…how is your hip?” Caleb said. Essek shifted a little.  
“Predictably sore,” Essek said, smiling as Frumpkin rubbed his face along Essek’s scritching fingers. Caleb nodded.

“And the rest of you?” Caleb said. Essek’s mouth quirked up and he turned his face toward Caleb.

“Which parts?” Essek said.

“Right…..” Caleb said, reaching out, and pressed a finger to Essek’s brow. “…here.” Frumpkin took this movement as an offer of pets from Caleb, and so moved to demand attention on that front. Essek watched the cat flop against Caleb and chuckled to himself, took a deep breath, smiled, and looked back to Caleb.

“For the moment, perfectly fine.” Essek said. He didn’t elaborate further, so Caleb left it, telling himself to be satisfied with that.

“That’s good.” Caleb said, rubbing his legs against one another. Essek was so close, but so far away. “And the, rest of you-rest of you?” Essek huffed and turned the rest of the way onto his side, reaching one arm out from the blankets to touch his fingertips over the stubble on Caleb’s cheek. Caleb’s skin awoke into goosebumps.

“Also sore, but I will manage.” Essek said. With the blankets pushed down from his shoulder and chest, Caleb saw the other remnants of the previous evening. Purple bruises were scattered up Essek’s collar and neck. Caleb stared at the imprint of his own teeth, right over Essek’s windpipe, and swallowed. Would Essek still be perfectly fine when he saw all those marks? Or if someone else did? When Caleb managed to stop staring, Essek was watching him, frowning.

“How…. bad is it?” Essek said, pulling back to touch his neck. Caleb bit his lips together, hoping that every decision he’d made yesterday had been right.

“You…. Look a like you’ve had a time.” Caleb said, trying to smile. Essek returned it, but rolled onto his back and rubbed at his eyes.

“Wonderful.” Essek said. He sighed deeply and dragged his hands downwards, stroking his chin. Caleb held his breath while Essek stared at the ceiling in thought. “I will figure something out.” Essek said.  
Caleb let out his breath. For now at least, Essek seemed only concerned with the physical appearance of the bruising. Caduceus and Jester could doubtless heal him, but for whatever reason, Caleb was reluctant to offer it. He found he rather… liked looking at the evidence of their relationship. He reached over to lightly touch a bruise- precisely in the junction of Essek’s shoulder and neck.  
Essek tensed, only for a second before relaxing and moving closer to Caleb. Frumpkin made a disappointed cat sound as he was once again pushed out of the way. Essek laughed and hugged about Caleb’s chest, pushing his clean, perfectly soft skin against every available inch of him. Caleb kissed his temple while sending harsh thoughts to his own genitals. Stay calm, stay calm, _please_ stay calm.

“You are… also well?” Essek said, tipping his chin up to better see Caleb. An uncomfortable tension appeared in Caleb’s gut and worked through him. He blinked and dwelled in it.

‘Well’?

  
People he cared for, deeply, were still entwined with the Assembly; even if Essek and the Mighty Nein were safe.

For the moment.

If Caleb could not free them of their bondage, willingly or not, there would yet be more heartbreak in his future. He pushed his face to Essek’s hairline and tried to focus on the warm, loving body against him. The smell of… lavender, and maybe vanilla.

  
Hadn’t he had this before? Back then, she smelled of ink and….musty wool?  
It was impossible he was done losing people important to him, by his own hand. But Essek didn’t need that this morning. Essek was waiting for an answer from him, surely growing more and more concerned by his silence. This was a precious, precarious, person, already stretched thin. And things were better, than they had been.

  
“….Better than in a very long time.” Caleb said. Essek smiled and snuggled against him, warm and supple. If he had read past Caleb’s silence, he thankfully agreed to leave it for now.  
“That is good to know.” Essek said, raising his brows. “I would hate to think it was disappointing.” Caleb laughed.  
“Far from disappointing!” Caleb said and relaxed back into the bed. If only their lives could stay paused like this- away from the problems that remained. He moved his fingers over Essek’s back. Still half a mystery, this person who kept secrets better than most, and asked for things he claimed to detest.

“You said…" Caleb said, "Quite a long time ago, that you hadn’t been attracted to your partners in the past.” Caleb felt Essek’s smile fade against his skin. Perhaps these curiosities were best abandoned.

“That is correct.” Essek said, turning to his other cheek, looking away from Caleb. Caleb licked his lips. Trust him. Be yourself. He knows his limits.

“Last night, you, did experience attraction?” Caleb said. His arm, draped over Essek’s back, was pushed up and down, with the slight uptick in the severity of Essek’s breathing. Wrong words. “I am, merely curious about your headspace.” Caleb said. “It’s also fine if you were not attracted to me.” Essek took a long breath in, lifting Caleb’s arm up, and up, and up, before shifting out from underneath it to lie beside Caleb on his back. Essek stared up at the ceiling, but seemed calm, if focused. Essek slid his hand over the duvet towards Caleb, and Caleb grasped it.

“I am uncertain if ….’attraction’ is the best word.” Essek said. “To describe it.” Caleb smiled while he watched the small movements of Essek’s eyes, his brain shuffled through however many languages he knew for a word to suit him. Essek turned his face towards Caleb. “I believe that we have….become able to feel safe from, and with, each other.” Essek said. He shrugged. “I could be wrong.”

“You’re not wrong.” Caleb said.

Whether that feeling was ill advised or not, it seemed of little consequence at this point. The list of ways they could betray each other seemed doomed to exponentially grow, but with every new risk came the tantalizing chance to prove their worries wrong. Essek shut his eyes and turned onto his side again, now hugging Caleb’s arm over the blankets.

“I am, unequivocally curious: about my sexuality, among other things.” Essek said, and rested his cheek on Caleb’s shoulder. “…Now that I am in a situation where I feel I can explore it safely- without expectation or judgement- there is a certain… eagerness.” Caleb’s chest warmed from within, unsure how this person could still find new ways to endear himself to him. “After last night, as enjoyable as the majority of it was, I think the actual act of, having sex, was more of a by-product of that mutual safety, rather than the driving force behind it.” Essek shrugged. “And that stability is… like like knowing it would be safe to jump off a cliff. So… no. I am not attracted to you.” Essek smiled. “I am interested to experience these… sensations biology has imbued us with, and I want to share that experience with you.” Caleb felt the heat rise through his face and turned onto his side to hold Essek close again.

Essek entangled their legs, and Caleb froze, feeling the weight of Essek’s arousal pressed between them. Bright purple eyes went wide for a moment as the same sensation became apparent to him.

“Oh.” Caleb said. Fuck fuck fuck. Caleb felt his body reacting faster than his brain. Essek flushed and swallowed.

“Ah- I didn’t mean to-“ Essek began. Caleb hugged him and canted his hips back slightly.

“No-no, it’s fine. It just, happens sometimes, ja?” Caleb said. “No need to act on it if we don’t want to.”

“Quite.” Essek said, hiding his face against Caleb’s chest. Essek’s skin was hot with embarrassment. Caleb was awake, but his cock was overestimating his energy levels by miles. Distraction was what he needed to eradicate this inconvenient physical response, but he still had questions that needed answers. Caleb cleared his throat.

“Um, wh-which parts of last night where not enjoyable?” Caleb said. “For future reference.”  
Essek laughed, rubbing his forehead into Caleb. At least they were on the same page, it seemed.

“Thrashing about like a panicked cat about to be thrown backwards into water.” Essek said. Caleb gave a single laugh. Stubborn determination might yet find a way to be Essek’s downfall.

“Ja, that makes sense.” Caleb said, shifting his hips again. “You-ah- were okay with how rough it got? You are still alright with how we amended the situation?” Essek only nodded, ears growing dark as the marks on his neck. Gods those ears were so close too. It would be so easy to run his fingers over one, just too see if they might get started up all over again, leave Beau to find her own way home…  
But Caleb forced himself to take a big breath, and relaxed his grip on Essek, rolling onto his back so he wouldn’t have to worry about feeling that part of him. Essek thankfully remained in Caleb’s arms. He rested his cheek on Caleb’s chest, looking at him, and Caleb watched his deep blush fade. He watched the flicker of Essek’s eyes, to and from Caleb’s, as he muddled through some unspoken process.

“…Yes.” Essek said, settling on the answer. “I suppose enjoying a, level of intensity isn’t terribly unusual.” Essek said. “You certainly seem to enjoy it.” Caleb nodded, and leaned down to kiss Essek’s head. Two questions, answered.

“I’ll.. “ Caleb began, and Essek hugged him and kissed him with intent. He moved up slightly to get a better angle and tip Caleb’s head back. Caleb’s hands came to rest comfortably over the small of Essek’s back. He could feel the kiss growing lighter and lighter, until it was delicate, easily repeated. Caleb’s heart fluttered and he blinked. “….You have to get to work.” Caleb said, and felt Essek’s smile as he kissed him again. “…And I must check in with Beauregard and the others.” Essek nodded, pressing their lips together for one last lingering kiss.

“I am aware.” Essek said, looking down at Caleb. “Court will be…. Dreadfully dull, when I would much rather be here with you.”  
Just one more, before Essek finally pushed himself from the bed and went to his wardrobe. Caleb rubbed his jaw. Itchy.

“I should… shave.” Caleb said.  
Essek turned to face him, pulling on a garment with a suitably high collar.

“Would it be... possible for me to stop by the house this evening?” Essek said, glancing between Caleb and the line of silver buttons needing affixing down his chest.

“Ja.” Caleb nodded. “You are always welcome.” Caleb swung his legs from the bed and found Frumpkin curled atop the small pile of his clothes. He shooed the tormented cat away. For the first time in quite a while, Essek stopping by didn’t seem like a cause for any alarm. They both dressed, and Caleb joined Essek by the mirror to admire his put together visage as well as his formerly disheveled state. Essek combed his fingers through his hair, bringing it back to its standard point. His hand moved to Caleb’s face, taking a hold of his jaw and scratching over the sharp texture as he brought him in for one final kiss. They stayed a moment, just resting their foreheads against one another before the day had to commence.

“…..you don’t have to shave.” Said Essek.

“Expositors.” A research assistant poked their head into the training alcove. Both Expositors ignored the assistant for a moment, eyes locked on each other, waiting for an opening. Beau saw one first. She grinned, and unleashed a flurry of attacks. Dairon dodged in three nimble movements, barely disturbing the sand as they hopped and pivoted. Beau’s fist shot into nothing but cloth filling the space their solar plexus had just been. Every day should be like this. Training, breakfast, research, and more training.

“Yeah?” Beau said, contorting her back and flipping away to avoid Dairon’s counterattack.

“Your companion has arrived in the Teleportation Chamber. Shall I tell him to wait?” The Assistant said. Beau let her body respond to Dairon’s attacks based on reflex while she thought. Caleb might like a detour to the library before being thrown back into this shit-show. She somersaulted backwards until her foot hit the wall, and then launched off it at an angle, twisting into a roll that had her land right behind Dairon.

“Let him browse a bit if he wants,” Beau said, sweeping a kick into Dairon’s ankles, sending them to the ground with a grunt. “or bring him straight here. Either one’s fine.” Beau placed her hands on her hips and panted. It wasn’t easy to put another Expositor in the dirt.  
The Research Assistant was slack jawed, staring at Dairon, who was dusting themselves off and getting to their feet. Beau tried to hide the smile over her face. Probably not every day someone showed who could knock _Dairon_ specifically to the ground. The Assistant flushed as they realized Beau was staring at them.

“A-at once, Expositors. Excuse me.” The Assistant said, and was gone.

“….You have improved.” Dairon said, straightening up before moving walking to where their more decorative outerwear was hung. Beau wiped the sweat from her brow. Apparently, they were done. “I’m quite proud of you Beauregard.” Dairon said.  
Beau grabbed a towel from a rack along the wall and rubbed it over her shoulders, catching a whiff of her own B.O. Nasty.

“Thanks, I’ve been working my ass off.” She said, and tossed the towel to a hamper. Dairon shook their head, glancing to the criss-crossed scar just below Beua’s ribs, raised and pale.

“It would appear your friends have done a satisfactory job keeping you alive.” Dairon said. Beau frowned. She could feel the steady thud in her chest that told her she was still alive, going strong behind the thick scar in the shape of Yasha’s blade. At least that was out of Dairon’s sight.

“Yeah, they do me pretty well.” She said, and went to where her coat hung. Beau pulled it on and tugged her collar, letting a bit of sweat meet the air and cool her skin. If Dairon squared off against someone like Yasha- when- they had to take down someone like Yasha, did they have anyone waiting in the wings to help? Beau tied her sash tight.

“You always work alone, right?” Beau said. Dairon folded their hands behind themselves and shrugged.

“My work usually requires it.” They said. “It is… rare to find a suitable extended roster to aid us in our work, outside of our own ranks.” Beau cocked a brow and crossed her arms, grinning.

“Hold up- did- are you complimenting my friends?” Beau said. Dairon let a small smiled come to light.

“There are many tales of well intentioned people being _manipulated_ by the rejects of their enemies.” Dairon said. Beau's smile fell into a frown. “Who is to say if that may someday be untrue." Dairon said. "But for now, your friends seem earnest in their intent, and I am thankful they have found you.” Beau looked to her feet. Yeah, ‘someday’. That day felt a lot closer now that they had their sights set on Caleb’s old haunts. She clenched her jaw.

“….I hope this isn’t asking too much of Caleb.” Beau said. For all the sensitivity she and Dairon shown Caleb the day before, Essek’s presence had been invaluable for keeping his grounded. Caleb viewed his past through the lens of his own nostalgia and pain. Sorting the truth from every red herring wasn’t a kind process. Not when the truth was itself scorched and soaked in blood.

“He volunteered the information freely, Beauregard.” Dairon’s voice came. Beau blinked and came out of her head.

“I know.” Beau said. “Doesn’t mean it doesn’t still hurt to open old scars.” Beau pulled her gauntlets back on. She heard Dairon sigh. Oh for fuck’s sake. Beau tipped her head back as she pulled the laces tight. “ Help me with these, would ya?” Beau said. Dairon walked over and offered a single finger to keep a knot from coming undone. “I just hope we’re not going to push them past their limits.” Beau said, as Dairon stepped away.

“They have each other, yes?” Dairon said, refolding their hands carefully behind their back. “It does no one any good to saddle yourself with additional guilt for things you should not feel guilty for. The aid of your friends will save countless people of loss and grief.” They said. Beau pulled her lips back and forth other her teeth before settling in a frown.

“And when one of them snaps, right when the other one needs him?” Beau said. Dairon held her gaze without hesitation.

“I was under the impression that is the point, of having a support structure of friends.” Dairon said. “If the time comes when they need you, you will be there. Unless you intend to abandon them the moment things become inconvenient?” Beau narrowed her eyes.

“You know, if I didn’t know _we_ were friends, I’d think you were a real bitch for saying that.” Beau said. Dairon was unmoved.

“My point is, that you cannot hold every part of a complex machine together, when it requires multiple operators. You are able to handle one part, maybe two. But you exhaust yourself pointlessly taking on worries that are attended to, and create more work for the people around you if you fall." Dairon said. "Make yourself a priority.”

Not worth getting in a fight over.

Not worth getting mad over.

Dairon knew people weren’t machines. Beau shut her eyes and took a breath.

“Making sure the system works,” Beau said carefully. “is how we protect those who can’t protect themselves. .”

Dairon listened.

They were well intended, and on her side. This was a miscommunication, not an attack.

“I need to be sure I’m not creating a new system that re-victimizes the people we’re trying to protect.” Beau said. She felt the tendons in her neck begin to relax. Dairon shifted their weight from foot to foot, raising a brow, almost imperceptibly. “You don’t want me to overdo it?” Beau said. “Essek and Caleb are carrying a lot of weight for us. It might be more helpful if you took some too, instead of telling me to just hope they’ve got it handled.”

There was a light knock on the door.

“You may enter.” Dairon called, and stepped close to Beauregard. “I help, by using the information we gain to ensure there is never any reason to extract stories like that of your friends again.” Dairon said quietly as Caleb stepped in.  
His movements were about as guarded as she would expect for coming all alone. She gave him a smile.

“Expositors.” Caleb said with a small nod.

“It is good to see you again, Caleb.” Dairon said. Beau’s eye strayed to Caleb’s neck as he nodded and adjusted his satchel. HIs scarf shifted slightly. She tilted her head and tried to get a better look, at which point Caleb leaned away by several degrees and pulled his scarf higher. Beau grinned and sucked at her teeth. That motherfucker.

“You do okay last night?” Beau said, letting a brow rise with an accompanying grin. Caleb looked away, weighing his options before giving Beau a passing shrug.

“Okay enough.” Caleb said. Beau leaned into his space, raising her brows and peering down. Caleb blatantly ignored her and addressed Dairon.

“It is, probably too much to hope that there has been any progress since we last spoke?” Caleb said. Oh the moment they were home she was going to rip that fucking thing off his neck. She wouldn't, but god wouldn't that be something?

“Beauregard and I have spoken at length on how to use the information we have gathered.” Dairon said. They looked to Beau to comment, but Beau only looked expectantly at Dairon and shrugged. If they wanted to ‘help’ by using information, then they could explain how that was going. Dairon narrowed their eyes slightly towards Beau before looking back to Caleb, who waited patiently. “Given the complex circumstances surrounding your friend, we will most likely not be pursuing any inquiries that may cause an international stir.” Dairon said. Beau watched Caleb blink and his fingers begin to fiddle around the strap of his satchel.

“‘You-know-who,’’ Beau said, getting his attention. “just needs to be available as a consultant for the Cobalt Soul.” Caleb blinked and nodded. He glanced from Beau to Dairon, wringing the strap across his shoulders.

“That is good to hear, I suppose.” He said. Dairon nodded.

“Of course, this means we will be moving forward by looking into the suspicious activity in your hometown, and may have to call on you further to affirm or invalidate our findings.” Dairon said, taking care to keep their voice even and calm. It the middle of this shitty situation, Beau could be grateful to them for that, at least. Caleb blinked several times, took a breath and nodded.

“Ja,” He said. Beau frowned. His skin was begining to shine lightly with sweat. “If that is what you believe to be our best chance of success.” He said. Dairon glanced to Beau, seeming to notice too.

“There was an occasion,” They said, “years ago, when King Dwendle ousted a Military Scientist from the Empire on grounds of leading in illegal human experimentation.” Caleb blinked a few times before the words seemed to process in his head. Dairon continued. “She was a highly respected researcher, though not as highly regarded as the Martinet or the High Curator. If we can provide sufficient evidence of a ‘certain someone’s’ inhumane treatment of Empire citizens, for the purpose of creating assassins loyal only to him, we may be able to bring the support of the Crown to our investigation.”  
Beau watched Caleb. He pinched his lips together before smiling and giving a dry laugh.

“How certain are you, that the testimony of a madman will convince the King?” Caleb said.

“Alone? Very uncertain.” Dairon said and shrugged. “But, if our theory of your constituents also being forcibly isolated as a means of creating absolute loyalty is correct, there is a chance.” Dairon’s expression remained unperturbed. More missing parents, was what they meant. More broken people. More people like him, who the Empire had failed.

“We know who we’re looking for now.” Beau said. Caleb dropped his gaze. His knuckles were white. They needed to wrap this up and get on their way. “If there’s a pattern in their pasts, we’ll find it.”  
Caleb smiled.

“I do not know if his… protégées will be interested in casting doubt on their Master, and their truth.” Caleb said.

“They do not have to be.” Dairon said. “They are no longer ghosts. We have a way of identifying who they are now. We will discover who they used to be. ”

“Damn.” Beau said, narrowing her eyes. “That’s a weirdly dark and badass sounding way of putting it.” Dairon cocked a brow and seemed markedly unimpressed by her commentary, but Caleb smiled, so it was absolutely worth it. 

“I may need to call upon you again,” Dairon said. “to verify details about your home and family.”  
Caleb nodded. Dairon looked to Beau, and she saw their face get a little softer than she was accustomed to expecting. They turned their gaze back to Caleb. “You are fortunate to have a support structure ready to offer aid if needed.” They said. “Do not be reluctant to utilize it.” Beau blinked. Caleb gave a small smile and nodded.

“Ja, we do okay.” He said.

“Very good.” Dairon said. They paused a moment longer, racking their brain for information on how to emotionally support another sentient being. “Know that the Cobalt Soul is here for you.” Dairon said, “Simply invoke mine or Beauregard’s title, and we will do what we can.” A smile spread across Beau’s face, and she watched Dairon’s cheek twitch with reflexive irritation. Beau purposefully smiled wider. Caleb looked between them and seemed to gather what was happening.

“Can we go now?” Beau said. Caleb nodded.

“Thank you, Expositor.” Caleb said. Dairon looked back to him and lowered their hackles. “That is very generous of you to offer and… I appreciate the gesture.”

“Give my regards to the rest of the Mighty Nein.” Dairon said. They nodded to Beau. “I will be in touch when I have more information. Stay alive.”

“Yep.” Beau grabbed Caleb by the arm and began to walk out. “Got it. Talk to you later, Dairon!” She shoved Caleb out the door and gave one final glance back. Whether they liked it or not, Dairon needed to be aware of something too.

“You know, you can also talk to me about… I dunno. If anything’s ever bothering you or you just… y’know want a friend or whatever.” She said. Dairon looked at her from across the room. They squared their shoulders and began to gather their things.

“….Or whatever.” Dairon said. Beau rolled her eyes, but Dairon continued. “I am, aware that I also have a support structure, whether I want it or not.”  
Beau straightened up. Maybe she wasn’t so bad at this friendship thing anymore.

“Stay alive, Dairon.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Been going back and forth over where I want this fic to go from here, and finally settled on something! 
> 
> Gear up for part 2 friendos


	14. 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Essek returns to the BQ's court and catches up with a relative. Caleb laments the Astrid and Eodwulf may be forever beyond his grasp, and the gang plans for the future.

Six o’ clock in the evening was not considered ‘late’ for the members of the Bright Queen’s council, but it wasn’t early either. Nearly at the end of the day, Essek was beginning to find ways to sit comfortably as he looked down over the neighboring dias in the Bright Queen’s cathedral. Pity, the distraction had been rather pleasant.

Representatives from lesser dens were speaking over one another, vying for allies to take up their side. Professor Wacco had requested that the crown provide funding and people for a research expedition into Blightshore, and with the war over, squabbling over whether or not to grant said funds was apparently the best use of nobility's time. Essek leaned onto the heel of his hand and let his thoughts turn from the paltry row.

He supposed he was lucky boredom was his chief complaint at the moment. Upon his arrival to the Bastion that morning, the Bright Queen had quickly shut down his offers of apologies and explanations for his sudden absence the day before. He wondered if his anxiety had been for nothing- only further proof that he did not understand the motives of those around him nearly as well as he thought. But maybe it was something else. Leylas Kryn claimed _understanding,_ of all things, that even her closest advisors were not infallible. She insisted that this was the _third_ time he had been absent(it was the first) with no notice, and it should not happen again. Perhaps this was evidence of her mind blurring the lines between the distant past and the recent present. She was confusing his actions with that of another, former Shadowhand. Were Essek a loyal subject, it might be cause for worry on the Dynasty’s behalf. As it stood, he was left with imagining ways to spin the Bright Queen’s typhros his advantage…maybe this was cause to do a little research into who exactly had held his position in the past.

Arguments continued in his periphery, and Essek’s eyes happened to rest on another figure whose grip on reality was of great consequence to him. Deitra Theylss certainly had not aged in her current lifetime well, not that she could be bothered to care about it. Her skin, prematurely wrinkled by the decision to ‘enjoy this time around to the fullest’, sagged off her proud chin as jowls.

That morning, she had watched from afar, out of eyesight, grinning and laughing while Essek received no less than two lectures from lesser nobility on the importance of punctuality to court. He had caught the acrid stench of her perfume mingling with the tobacco that permanently stained her tongue.

“Only someone in their first life would be distracted _so easily_ from his duty to Queen and Country!

“ _Lofty_ discussions: managing the funds of the crown and the wellbeing of a people, were no place for _idealistic youth_ to contribute anyway.” The ‘upper echelon’ of Kryn society insisted.

One man bragged he had missed the birth of his third son to attend war councils.

Deitra had found that particularly amusing, letting out a wet snort, and Essek supposed he could take some pride in knowing at least his father had been present to that small extent, and of his own will to boot.

But that was hours ago, and as much as he resented the standard stream of ridicule, it was getting all too easy to just mildly agree with the riff-raff and move on to conversations where he had at least some professional interest in winning. He had seen genuine passion and compassion now, felt it himself in ways he never had within these walls. These people vying for a seat five inches closer to an ancient being slowly slipping away, these were not the people he held any further consideration for. There were people out in Rosohna who genuinely cared about the Dynasty. There were people who truly wanted to waste their lives fumbling through speeches about the wealthy needing to continue hoarding their wealth. Essek watched his mother carefully prod another Umavi back to attention. The much older woman, of Den Biylan, if Essek wasn’t mistaken, looked around, startled- not seeming to realize where she was for a few moments. Deitra Theylss’s sagging lips moved as she spoke softly to the other Umavi, until Den Biylan seemed to come back to her senses. Typhos was one more thing the court might be bothered to address, but no one would dare suggest there might be an adverse effect to interaction with their Luxon. Perhaps consecution had never been intended for long lived races. It was hard to see the positives in a long life, as an ‘idealistic youth’.

Hunger goaded at Essek’s stomach and he blinked, shifting again. The remaining raw tenderness about his body was nearly imperceptible now, replaced with the fatigue of pretending to care. Looking to the Bright Queen, her patience seemed to be nearing it’s end for the night as well. She stood, and Essek watched the cathedral go stonily silent, like children suddenly realizing they’ve worn through their parent’s goodwill.

“This… debate,” Leylas Kryn said, “if it may still be called that, has gone on long enough.” Noble hackles fell and sheepishly returned to their seats. Leylas looked to an assistant, who had been steadfast, taking notes of the session. “Confirm to the Professor that the Crown will meet her request for sponsorship of this expedition, on the condition that all findings are to be presented before me to review upon it’s completion. If there are no further pressing matters, I would call this evenings court proceedings to a close.” Leylas said, gaze moving over the various den representatives with a ‘don’t you dare’ sort of seriousness. Lips remained sealed, and Essek could not help the giddy energy that pulsed through his limbs. “Good evening to you all.” Said the Bright Queen.

Essek was careful not to appear too rushed as he drifted down the tallest staircase, though it did cross his mind that he could avoid the whole mess with a single spell. Unfortunately, nobility did not ‘hurry home’, and disappearing in a flash of arcane light would draw more attention than he had energy and patience to deal with. Essek was forced to wait with the courtiers as they shuffled out the great stone doors.

“Shadowhand.” A small voice said, and tugged at his sleeve. Essek glanced down to a waif-ish girl, who had silently scurried up beside him on the main floor.

“Zarah.” Essek said, grateful when she dropped his sleeve. The girl was his mother’s attendant, her assistant, and personal snoop. A Merchant’s child, from the Gallumiafry. While she wasn’t so much of a prodigal spy as he, a slight worry filled his belly. Snooping from his mother could be bad on a variety of levels, though one revelation was sure to be more disastrous than the other. “What is it?” He said, as if he didn’t know.

“Your mother requests you.” She said, tone barely changing over the words and eyes darting around the flood of people.

“Well.” Essek said. He quickly weighed the pros and cons of angering his mother at this exact moment. He had gotten lucky so far not drawing suspicion from the Bright Queen. Best keep pushing further into a select few people’s good graces. “Best see her then.” Essek said. Zarah nodded and turned without another word, guiding him through the crowd, impressively swift. Deitra Theylss was waiting in an alcove outside the Cathedral, smoking a long pipe, creating a wide berth of open space around herself. Essek was sure she took some perverse pleasure in knowing that no one would dare complain of someone as high up as her smoking indoors.

“Essek.” She said, smoke trailing off his name.

“Umavi.” Essek said, nodding slightly. Zarah took up her place at his mother’s side. A Shadowhand in her own right. “To what do I owe the pleasure.”

“You were missed, last night.” Deitra said, not quite looking at him, but blowing smoke in his direction. It harmlessly flowed around him, too dispersed by the wavering gravity to even sting a bit. Essek laughed.

“I’m surprised to hear it.” He said, matching her cool gaze. “Most of our peers could not wait to tell me how glad they were to see my seat empty.” Deirta smiled, her eyes coming to rest on his.

“They bark and snap from the end of a short lead.” She said. His mother took a step towards him and placed a hand on his arm, looking over him with pride. Essek remained still for appraisal, breathing softly through his nose. “Such a handsome young man.” His mother said. “Are you still shepherding those rag-tag heroes of our’s?” Her hand lifted to touch his chin, and Essek carefully drifted just out of the reach of her fingers. She lifted a brow and stepped forward, settling to smooth back a wayward hair.

“You… could say that.” Essek said. Her touch was familiar, cold and sharp from a manicured nail that accented her aged skin.

“Or are they shepherding you?” She said, grinning her yellowed teeth. Essek rolled his eyes and his mother laughed again. “Don’t gape dear, your face will stick that way.” She put out an arm, which Zarah took. “Walk with me, Essek. Or float- whatever you care to do.” She said, and began towards the Bastion’s gardens. Essek glanced towards the exit in the direction of the Firmaments, grit his teeth, shook his head, and drifted after her.

Alongside the Lucid Bastion was a magnificent hedge maze, comprised of deep waxy-leaved topiaries and water features augmented with Dunemancy so they turned slowly on impossible axis. Dietra took a seat on the side of one of these fountains. She coughed a few times, continuing to puff away. Essek sat beside her, wrinkling his nose and fanning the air in front of his face as his cushion of gravity faded and he settled onto the stone.

“Verin has not bee able to convince you of a different hobby then?” Essek said.

“Hah.” Deitra said. “There’s power in taking control of your own body, Essek. Besides, I’m allowed one carnal sin per lifetime. You’re lucky you weren’t around for the drunken one.”

“Quite.” Essek said, and Deirta laughed. Zarah smiled, though she seemed unable to remain still. Ears twitching subtly at every shifting shrub.

Deirta coughed a few more times, and her eyes trailed down the side of Essek’s face in a way that made him worry something had slipped under his mantel. He rolled his shoulders and glanced away. His collar was high. But she had already brought up the Mighty Nein. She pulled at the pipe again. He should have never followed her. Wisps curled from her wrinkled lips as she spoke.

“I don’t suppose your darling brother thought to tell you he’s engaged?” Deirta said. Essek’s eyes went wide and were stung with smoke. He rubbed at one.

“….I suppose it’s a relief to know he’s moved on.” Essek said. It didn’t… hurt that Verin hadn’t told him- he had no reason to. It was just another fact, one more thing to consider as he navigated his family’s business. It was only the smoke in his eyes did hurt… perhaps this was something to divest to his friends for better understanding of this discomfort. “Mother, if you must end your own life by poisoning yourself, kindly keep it to yourself.” Essek said, blinking. Deirta laughed.

“He ought to thank you for helping him dodge that bullet all those years ago.” She said. “I pity the Tasithars, Adeen always seemed a nice boy, until you got to know him.” Essek swallowed. How easily the same could be said of him.

_Hallo. Just checking in. I am sure you are still in meetings, please cough once if you will be along shortly, or twice if not_

Caleb’s voice was a welcome comfort. He coughed, once, and his mother was none the wiser. Verin was getting married, and Essek had found out through their mother. They hadn’t spoken in years. He had no right to be surprised.

Essek stood.

“If that is all the news you have to share,” Essek said. “I’m afraid I have other plans I must see to.”

“You’ll always have plans.” Deirta said, patting the stone beside her leaving a glowing ember spilled from her pipe. “Sit with your mother.”

She waited, and Essek did not sit, his feet once again leaving the ground.

“We’re hosting a celebration for Verin and the new Theylss in Quen’pillar.” She continued. “Verin wants you to be there, even if he’s too thick to know it yet.”

Essek sighed. She took a long inhale of her pipe and blew the smoke away from him. How considerate of her.

“Then he can ask me himself,” Essek said, giving a cold smile. “When his resolve to deny our relation, thins.”

“Being stubborn will only get you so far, Essek.” Deitra said, rising. “I know, you get it from me.” Essek scoffed. She appraised him again, looking markedly less impressed. She tugged the edge of his robes so the shoulders fell un-bunched under his mantle. Essek’s heart nearly stopped as he felt the fabric on his neck shift.

“Zarah tells me you call on that red-haired wizard frequently enough.” Deirta said. Essek stared straight out at the shining eyes of the girl, who had strayed behind a bush, chasing mice. Deitra gave a sharp whistle and Zarah picked her way back to Deitra’s side. Deitra’s eyes returned to Essek’s. “It would be a shame for you to finally find someone special and keep him from such an…. _important_ part of your life.” Deirta said. Zarah took took her waiting arm and stood quietly, glancing back towards the topiaries.“The family would love to meet him,” Deitra said, “if you ever care to grace us with your presence outside of the Bastion again.” Deitra smiled, mirroring the smile he’d offered to her. His gut burned. His mother was playing the same game she’d been playing for years.

“I will consider it.” Essek said. “He is also busy with ‘plans’.” The Den could cause no major harm to Caleb, or him, at this point. Nothing he hadn’t anticipated. But that didn’t mean going home would be pleasant, or worth the effort.

Deitra smiled, seemingly content that she had gotten some form of acknowledgement that they were together.

“You know, it could cause quite the stir among certain social circles.” She said, the wrinkles about her face crinkling as her eyes gleamed. “The Bright Queen’s Shadowhand, and a Hero of the Dynasty: a human, ex-Empire mage, no less.”

Essek lifted a brow in a quirk of amusement.

“Are you intending to upend Verin’s wedding by highlighting another couple?” Essek said.

She laughed, a loud bark.

“Dear I took care of causing all the Theylss scandals _lifetimes_ before you and your brother were ever part of the plan.” She said. “Think of it as…. A fashionable and progressive show. Race and war having no bearing on the bond of love, and family. ”

Essek shook his head and sighed. Pretty words to serve just another political play to a wider audience. Wouldn’t it be nice if she was actually just happy her sons had found love.

“Think about it, Essek.” His mother said, and began to turn back towards the Bastion. “You might not have your eyes on our family, but the rest of Roshona does.” Essek watched her going, considering that he was still somehow part of whatever plans she made. He looked back at the fountain, where the tobacco from her pipe still glowed a low orange.

“Mother.” He said. Deirta looked over her shoulder, lit just enough by the moonlight he could see her sagging smile. “Is that…” Essek bit his lip. This was inane. It was one thing to hope for more from his friends. He’d given Deitra every chance- before he even old enough to know he had chances to give. She’d groomed him to be the perfect pawn, her lottery win that jettisoned the Den higher up the social ladder. She would always care about politics. He took a long breath and balled his fists, letting his face fall into the smallest amount of vulnerability. “Do you care?” He said, shrugging and feeling a surge of anger, from where it had been hiding he couldn’t say- he’d believed himself well beyond looking for family here. “Or are you merely seizing another opportunity I’ve so conveniently laid at your feet?”

The old woman blinked, lips slowly turning to a frown. Zarah’s mouth fell open, and she looked up at Deitra. A cold wind blew between them, but it swirled and drew the smoke from Deitra Theylss’s head. It returned hazy, but warmed to Essek, and he waved his hand to clear it away. The Umavi shook her head.

“You think you know me so well.” Deirta said, beginning to smile again. “I’ve never been able to convince you of what I think, so come to the party.” She said. “Decide for yourself.”

Deitra began to walk away, and Zarah looked back, barely seeing him for the menagerie of small creatures living outside the Bastion’s walls. Essek pressed his lips together. He took a deep breath.

“I will be by the house shortly. Thank you for being patient.” Essek said, casting, thinking of Caleb. He turned back to the fountain and considered the embers glowing on the stone. He let his gravity lift him again, abundant, reaching far enough to push the ash over into the water. They floated on the surface for a few moments, before the clear fluid swallowed them up, pulling them along in its endless cycle.

Caleb wondered, quietly, to himself, what it would be like to have everything he wanted.

An hour later, and Essek was to his right, in animated conversation with Caduceus about religious customs surrounding the physical bodies of deities. Jester was occasionally chiming in. Beauregard was to his left, listening in disgust with Fjord while Yasha explained how similar the tough stems of a cooked vegetable reminded her of the rat-jerky Zuala once made. With Essek’s presence, the table was full again, and the sounds of the room were more familiar to Caleb’s ear than they had been since Veth’s departure. But even at this full table, his mind wandered to further possibilities, the threads of fate that branched and tied together his life, and others. Past, and future. He wondered if there might be room for two more at this table.

Could Eodwulf listen to stories about Yasha’s tribe and share in Beau and Fjord’s disgust? Would he still be the type of man to insist he was never afraid?

He smiled, thinking of Astrid, quietly absorbing every conversation happening at once and weeding out the bits of information that could serve her ambitions. Caleb knew- tragically, as he did most things- that the woman he saw in the Candles was no longer the girl loved. But maybe she could still enjoy conversations surrounded with magical intrigue, in a place cleared of unwelcome influences, surrounded by people that might give her a chance.

He felt his thoughts begin to spiral. He had faced wrath from Beau and Veth just by associating himself with Essek- would it be any different if there was some way to free Astrid and Wulf? He felt Essek bump against him with a friendly, happy and tired glance. Caleb smiled back. No time for that now- best to enjoy this.

…..

But it wasn’t that easy to just push away.

People were not things to be gotten back.

They made choices, had their own lives and decisions. The people he surrounded himself with had made those decisions too. Beauregard had a family she was born into, and the one she chose. Fjord had them following people to destroy a strange people’s sacred sights, all in the service of an entity he no longer saw fit to serve. There was no cut and dry to this party, as much as he knew his friends wanted there to be.

Essek steepled his fingers and shut his eyes in slight annoyance while Jester and Caduceus failed to put their experiences with The Wildmother and The Traveller to words. This person had chosen to try for something better. Essek wasn’t a memory, or an ideal Caleb could put impossible value in- he was present, and real, and after all… he’d chosen Caleb too.

Essek shook his head, and turned back to Caleb. Caleb was frozen with his fork in the air, staring at him. Essek and gave a curious smile. Caleb’s face automatically smiled back, his chest warming with the flutters of his heart.

Caleb pushed his food around his plate (carefully into separate quadrants) and felt Essek’s hand come to rest quietly on his leg.

Experiencing all he had now- did that make him selfish to still wonder after having more? He knew he was selfish, but did wishing for his old friends to have the second chance he got….Did it actually mean risking his new family, just to know for certain that things could _not_ get any better than this?

“Caleb?” Caduceus asked. “Is the gravy okay?” Caleb looked up to find many eyes upon him. For a moment he envisioned two more sets, sitting easily among the others.

“Ja, my compliments.” Caleb said and forced a smile.

“It’s not too savory or bitter?” Cad continued, and gestured to his face. “You were looking a little dour.”

“I think that is just my face.” Caleb said. Essek scoffed.

“No-no-no,” Jester said, “your face is more like….” and she stared blankly off into space, blinking deliberately slow. Essek and Beau cracked into laughter, and the sound of Caleb’s loved ones’ joy sent a flush creeping up his neck. Had he even been listening to the words they were sharing with one another while he wallowed in regrets?

“Ja, okay, perhaps I am a little down.” He admitted a little quietly. Essek’s hand began to lighten on his leg, and Caleb quickly placed his hand over it. Please stay. Please, please stay.

“….Anything in particular?” Beauregard said. Caleb looked up at her, and then from face to face, finding all eyes on him still. Yasha continued attempting to eat while she watched Caleb, gnawing the flesh of a vegetable from it’s stem.

“It…I do not want to spoil the good humor we’ve been working so hard to achieve.” Caleb said. He felt Essek squeeze his leg.

“Would you prefer I do it?” Essek said, raising a brow and smirking. Caleb tilted his head slightly. He hoped that was a joke, but it was still a little hard to tell with Essek.

“My Mother has been spying on Caleb and I.” Essek said, leaning on his hand with a sort of resigned glee. That wasn’t particularly good to hear, but Caleb wasn’t sure he knew enough about Essek’s mother to be worried or not.

“Oh.…” Fjord said. “That’s… actually that’s rather invasive isn’t it?”

“Is she like peeping on you and Caleb?” Jester said, and made a face. “That’s really weird, Essek, you should talk to her about that.”

Beauregard frowned, crossing her arms. Caleb shared a look with her. He was certain they shared the same thought. Of all Essek’s secrets, Caleb was by far the safest association to discover.

“Does she know about the trips to Zadash?” Beau said. Caleb felt Essek’s hand turn over to hold his own.

“I don’t think so.” Essek said, shifting in his seat. “My mother… is less interested in my professional life, outside of the opportunities it initially provided for the Den.” Essek said. “Regardless, she did not imply knowledge of anything outside of Caleb and I being regularly seen together. I can’t say I’m glad to have her attention, but it would appear to be benign. An irritant, mostly.”

“You don’t like your mom?” Jester said, frowning a little. Essek searched for the words.

“It is not… that I don’t like her. But, she is as much a part of my life as any other politician or socialite I have known. I don’t know that she was a bad mother, but she is….not always an easy person to be around.” Essek looked around the table. Fjord shrugged and Yasha nodded sympathetically.

“ It’s okay Essek.” Jester said, softening her expression. “You don’t have to like your family.”

“Parents can be real dicks.” Beau added. Essek gave a small smile and continued.

“My mother has… informed me, that my estranged brother is getting married.” He said. “She has requested that Caleb and I ‘make a showing’, as it were. She believes the stir to be caused by a Hero of the Dynasty being romantically involved with one of her sons will create positive opportunities for the Den…” He looked to the ceiling and thought a moment before smiling and returning his eyes to the group. “or at least give her some entertainment.”

“Does she want you and Caleb to get married?” Yasha said.

Caleb’s breath abandoned him for a moment and he fell into a fit of hiccuping, while Essekgave what he assumed to be a graceful answer in regards to how he didn’t care about what his mother wanted him to do or not do with Caleb. Calen held his breath, thinking about how little he knew of drow customs when it came to relationships. It hadn’t really come up- there had been far more important things to consider outside of a legally recognized future together. 

“What do you make of that, Essek?” Beau said. “You know Den politics better than we do.”

“We could ~CRASH~ theeeeeeeeeee weeeedddddding!” Jester pounded her fist into the table and sprung out in jazz hands. Essek laughed.

“I would imagine attending such an event to flaunt my relationship with Caleb would lead to the rest of you receiving…. perhaps more affluent pursuers than you might want.”

“Speak for yourself.” Beau said, grinning. Essek smiled mischievously.

“Marriage in our society is less about creating a lineage and more about…. Selecting a team, you might say.” He said.

“The process is not determined by birth, then?” Caleb asked, letting out a long breath. “You said once before you were ‘taken in’ by Den Theylss, but the Umavi is also your mother?”

“That is correct.” Essek said nodding, and returned his hands to a steeple on the table. “My mother was required to contribute to my upbringing and wellbeing, but being her biological son was not a guarantee of entry to the Den. Still, my adoption came rather early, compared to most. Typically entry to a Den follows a great accomplishment or discovery, and for most people that takes a great amount of time and resources.”

“God, you are never not bragging?” Beau said with a good natured scowl.

“So, Dens are kinda like fancy snooty clubs you have to get invited to?” Jester said.

“You could put it that way.” Essek said. “Marriage is also a method of gaining entry to a Den, but the same invitation doesn’t extend to offspring.”

“So if you and Caleb got married, he would become part of Den Theylss?” Yasha said. Caleb watched Essek’s face loose his witty composure for a moment. No matter how much he claimed not to care about his family’s priorities, there was clearly some cultural significance surrounding marriage that was not lost, even on Essek. It was charming, to an extent, but their relationship was fragile as they were. That, and with their pursuit of the Cerberus Assembly getting more and more real every day, Caleb wasn’t certain this was the best time to be in the spotlight.

“So,” Fjord said. “Are you intending to go to this wedding?”

Essek blinked a few more times.

“I am…. uncertain.” Essek said. He folded his hands on the table and looked around the room. Caleb frowned, assured that Essek was delving into his typical worries. “I… worry that flaunting my relationships with all of you in such a public way will make the Assembly feel threatened, should the information get to them. I also shudder to think what could happen were they to tip off the Bright Queen to my… previous history, as well as your knowledge of it, while we are all located well within the most well protected city under the the Dynasty’s power.”

“What?” Jester said. “But the Bright Queen loves us!”

“To be honest, I’ve been wondering about that too.” Beau said, leaning back in her chair. “I don’t think the Bright Queen is stupid enough to execute a bunch of non-citizens for treason with the war barely over- but _if_ she found out what you did, and that we _knew_ what you did but didn’t say anything? It’s not gonna be good.”

“Yeah how did the ol’ BQ react to you playin’ hooky yesterday?” Fjord said, crossing his arms.

Essek frowned, whispering the abbreviation to himself before realizing what it meant. Caleb ducked his chin to try and hide the giddy smile that brought to his lips.

“She was… unconcerned.” Essek said. “Though I hesitate to say I was paranoid over nothing.”

“It shouldn’t be possible to scry on anyone within my vicinity.” Caleb said. Even if someone had scryed on Essek alone on the beach, it was hardly a high crime to take a vacation day.

“There are also wards on some of the buildings the Cobalt Soul uses.” Beau added. Essek smiled but shook his head. Caleb examined him, but couldn’t discern any hint of reassurance.

“I.…” Essek sighed. He deflated slightly. “I do not think we are dealing with an ‘if’ someone finds out, anymore.” He looked from face to face in the room. Caleb frowned.

“We are not going to tell anyone.” Caleb said. Essek’s hand returned to his knee.

“I do not expect any of you to. But the Assembly is not stupid. The only thing keeping us all protected is them not confirming our connection, nor do I think them so fool-hardy not to think the Cobalt Soul is ever more than a step behind them. They already know we are friends.” He glanced to Expositor Beaureguard. “I believe a public showing would have them fill in the rest.”

“Then we’ll find a way to protect you when someone finds out.” Jester said. Essek turned to look at her. Caleb watched, as undeniably, he saw someone else standing up for Essek. The peace of knowing his friends and his lover were of similar importance to one another… just that made a little more peace creep into his life on the next breath.

“Do you want to stay in Xhorhas?” Caduceus said, leaning towards Essek The entire table turned to look at him. Caduceus shrugged. “It just seems to me like we’re all waiting for something to go terribly wrong and force us to react, but- and forgive me if I’m prying Essek- but I don’t think you’ve been happy here for a long time.” Essek tensed slightly behind Caleb. Certainly he hadn’t been comfortable here with the possibility of discovery ever present and deadly.

“I’m with Cad on this one.” Beau said. “If we’re going to leave anyway, better to do it on our terms than when we don’t have a choice.”

“We could go to Nicodranas!” Jester said.

“Relocating that close to the ocean might be asking for trouble.” Fjord said, putting a hand out to pause the train of thought.

“Well, we’ll just get Uka’toa before he gets us!” Jester said, turning her attention to Fjord. “It’s the same thing we were just talking about. It’s not an ‘if’ Fjord, it’s a ‘when’.” Beau whispered the phrase, earning a further glare from Fjord. “I just mean,” Jester said, “He already attacked us like a month ago, and it’s not like you’re never going to go on the ocean again.”

Fjord looked thoughtful.

“No, I do fully intend to get back out there.” Fjord said.

“I am not sure Nicodranus is the best option.” Caleb said. The table looked at him. He shifted a little and looked down at his plate. “I miss Veth,” He said. “and Jester, I know you miss your mother, but I don’t believe Nicodranas will remain the sanctuary it has been for our loved ones if we are there full time.” He looked up to see Jester nodding. “If we are truly going to prepare for _when_ things turn sour, we are past a point of finding somewhere _safe_. We need to be somewhere with allies we can trust, and enough support to call on if we need it.”

“Well what about Zadash then?” Jester said. “The Cobalt Soul would be right there and ….so’s my dad.”

Caleb turned to Essek, who had pinched his lips into a thin line. The conversation had long turned from whether or not it was a good idea to go to his brother’s wedding as a pair.

“Would you feel comfortable living in the Empire?” Caleb said, and Essek turned to him. “The attitudes towards drow are not…” Caleb let his mouth close. He had lived in the Empire his whole life, and never even seen a drow outside of racist caricatures until that night in the sewers.

“I am well aware.” Essek said, and gave Caleb’s leg a squeeze. “I am not against the idea, even if I am not particularly enthralled by the idea of living in a disguise.”

Caleb could understand that, having hidden in much the same way not so long ago.

“What if we took up your mother on her offer first?” Fjord said, nodding towards Essek.

“Are you implying you will all marry into political immunity?” Essek said, raising a brow.

“I mean I don’t,” Fjord began with a quick glance to Jester, “but what if we sold you two as sort of the public image of the two countries coming together-“

Jester snorted loudly and Fjord paused. He slowly turned to Jester, who had a hand clapped over her mouth. She was markedly unable to hold Fjord’s eye, and put her head down on the table, laughing. Caleb saw Beau watch her with the most endeared smile.

“As I was saying… “ Fjord continued. “if you two _were_ to become an international symbol of unity, it might make leaving the Dynasty a lot smoother, as well as integrating to the Empire.” Fjord said. “Sort of like an international diplomat or something.” Beau nodded.

“The Assembly might even be less likely to make a move if they think they might be better off trying to get on our good side.” Beau said. “God knows that’s how they get people to work with them already.”

“IT”LL BE JUST LIKE IN THE COURTING OF THE CRI-“ Jester exclaimed, but slapped her hands over her mouth before yelling the derogatory term. A wide smile spread over Beau’s face as she thought about the idea.

“Oh my god.” Beau said, climbing up onto her chair and smile growing wider. “We could sell it as a modern version of that book!”

“Book?” Essek looked at Caleb.

“I will show you later.” Caleb said. “Regardless, say we do draw attention to Essek’s presence in the Empire outright- how do we know the Cerberus Assembly won’t see that as a threat?”

The seat next to him suddenly jolted and Essek’s hands flew to his head. Caleb leaned forward, heart immediately pounding. He watched Essek’s eyes dart back and forth through the look of sudden far off focus on his face.

“Essek.” Caleb said. “Shatz, are you okay?” He placed his hands on Essek’s shoulders and turned him to face him.

“Are you getting a message?” Beau said. Essek shook his head. He removed his hands shakily and looked up at Caleb, breathing fast and shallow.

“It is the alarm system for Luc’s enchantments.” Essek said. “Something is attempting to harm him.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HUllo?
> 
> Not quite sure when next update will be. It's so nice to have Critical Role back TT_TT
> 
> *I know Caleb gave his amulet away. Let's assume for now he got it back XD
> 
> Not sure i'll be doing 2 parts after all, not that I intend to finish this fic any time soon. I figure right now I'm just gonna write it out until I don't have anything more to say for this story.
> 
> stay safe and wear masks!


	15. 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Cerberus Assembly(?) makes a move on Luc, the Mighty Nien debate how to react.

Luc sucked at the topaz pendant he wore around his neck. It was magic, and he wasn’t supposed to, but Mama and Daddy were out and it had that good metal taste. The elderly Dragonborn sitting beside Luc, Mr. Stonesage, was reading aloud from a book about the world, or the country, or something. He had been reading that book for almost 20 minutes now. Luc listened, without really listening, to the names of places he didn’t care about.

Exandria he knew- everyone did. Wildmount was where they were, but it wasn’t the same as the Empire, because even though Nicodranas was in Wildmount, it _wasn’t_ in the Empire. His tutor really wanted to tell him about Rexxentrum. Luc had never been to Rexxentrum, and it didn’t sound like a place he really wanted to go, especially if one of the ‘important things to know’ about it, was that the Cerberus people lived there.

He looked at the wall towards the clock, which hung above Daddy’s special little _fragile_ elephants, which Daddy wasn’t very good at sharing. Daddy said he and Mommy would be back very late, probably after both of the hands pointed at 12.

“Have I finally lost you, Luc?” Said Mr. Stonesage’s rumbly voice, one big scaly brow raising slightly behind his glasses. Luc rolled his eyes back to the book.

“No….” Luc said. He wasn’t lost, he was out of paying attention. Grown ups didn’t always understand that sometimes you just run out of paying attention.

“Can you tell me what I was just saying?” The tutor said, smiling. He was really old, apparently. He had taught one of Mama’s friends when she was little. He had a thin white beard that hung long off his chin and Luc really wanted to pull it.

“Rexxentrum….is in Wildmount.” Luc said, leaning over the book, the pendant’s chain dangling from his mouth. “How come metal taste’s sour and sweet?”

“I’ll tell you if you can answer my question first.” Mr. Stonesage said. “ Rexxentrum’s in what part of Wildmount?” He pointed to a big drawing in the book that was all of Wildmount. Luc put his hand over the part he knew was Felderwin, which was in the Empire, and Rexxentrum was also in the Empire.

“Here.” Luc said.

“Rexxentrum is in Felderwin?” Said the dragonborn, cocking his head sideways so his beard dusted over the page.

“ _No.”_ Luc said, smiling a little and wrinkling his nose. Grown ups shas the hardest time understanding simple things sometimes. “Rexxentrum’s not in _Felderwin_. But it’s … the same part.”

“It’s also in the Empire?” The dragonborn said.

“Can I go play?” Luc said. He wasn’t terribly keen to look at this book and have _no_ time to play before bedtime rolled around. His tutor reached in his pocket and pulled out a red wrapped candy that brought Luc’s thoughts back to a single focal point.

Get.

That.

Candy.

Mr. Stonesage had special spicy candies, that Mama said ‘she didn’t know where to get them’.

“If you can tell me what the Empire’s long name is, I’ll give you another candy _and_ you can go play.” The Dragonborn removed his glasses, and rolled the cinnamon candy in his talons. Luc looked from the book, to his tutor, and back to the book. He stared hard at the word in front of ‘Empire’, scrawled over the part with Rexxentrum and Felderwin. Break it up into little pieces. Why did it have a long name? Why couldn’t it have a short name?

“Dw-“ Luc started and leaned close to the book. “Dweennnnnn…” He frowned and looked back up to his tutor.

He had been warned- told by his Mama and Papa and Mr. Essek the Wizard- that he still had to look out for bad people. To trust his instincts, and not be scared every second, but stay alert.

There were two strangers, dressed in all black robes that hid their faces, standing behind Mr. Stonesage. Mr Stonesage never had any helpers when he came to tutor Luke, ever. His tutor raised a brow as Luc’s jaw fell slightly open and the pendant slid from his lips. Luc’s eyes stayed locked on the strangers. The Bad People.

The Dragonborn was old enough at least, to know when something was very, very, wrong. He slowly turned his head, sighing and letting the book shut, and carefully got to his feet. He was old, and had explained when Marion and the Brenattos had hired him that he was an educator, not a bodyguard. But to hell with whatever fools thought he would not protect his student.Luc scrambled, reaching back to where Mr. Stonesage had placed his crossbow out of reach(no crossbows during study time). Mr. Stonesage glanced to down to see Luc tugging at the suction cup attached to the toy bolt, but even when it popped off, only a blunt wooden stick was beneath.

“Now,” Said Mr. Stonesage, “I wasn’t aware we were expecting guests.” His hand came to rest on the end of a wand, tucked into his belt.

“Calm down- there’s been an accident.” One of the figures said, and Luc was confused, because it was a voice he _knew_ , with the funny accent. But when the hood pulled back the face was wrong- Mama said their house was magic, and that people couldn’t wear disguises inside. The other stranger was slowly moving to the side- hood still up- trying to _flank._ Luc loaded the un-cupped bolt into his crossbow and aimed. His breath felt shallow in his chest, but this was it- he was fighting the bad guys, just like Mama. Luc turned with his bolt trained on them. There was a flash of light, and then a his furry friend stood between Luc and the flanker, bristling and growling.

“Nugget.” Luc said.

“Take it easy now-“ Said not-Caleb-the-Wizard. “Veth has been hurt, Yeza sent us to collect the boy.” He was taking slow steps towards them. The flanker came a step closer and crouched, holding a hand out towards Nugget. But Luc could see the hand wasn’t a friendly- it glowed with a green light, and just before the magic could reach Nugget, Mr. Stonesage spun and threw a spell at the figure in black.

The figure was thrown backwards into the wall, but they were quick back to their feet and the green energy flew from their hand and Mr. Stonesage groaned at the impact, clutching his side were green, steaming liquid dripped down his robes. Luc’s heart thudded hard in his chest, and his pendant flashed along with the brass band on his arm.

“That’s a load of malarky and you know it as well as I do.” The Dragonborn growled. “Leave! Now! Or you’ll be in far worse trouble than you signed up for.”

Luc felt his bracelet and pendant grow warm. An army burst out and swarmed around him, little fairy-sized Mamas and Papas all a muted purple color, but _everywhere._ The hooded figure was caught in the swarm, tiny flasks of acid and crossbow bolts assailing him. Luc heard not-Caleb say something that made his skin feel cold and his stomach turned. There was a horrible crunching, crunchy sound. 

“NO!!!” Luc screamed, are barely saw Mr. Stonesage's body begin to change from a person to stone. Nugget huddled to Luc's side and in a flash, they were in Luc’s room behind a slightly ajar door. The little fairy-parents still fluttered around him, and Luc dug under his mattress for the special bolt Mommy left just in case of emergencies. His hands shook as he tried to afix it into the little crossbow- which was hard because his stupid eyes got blurry and sour-hot with tears. Mr. Stonesage was dead. He _knew_ he was dead, and soon _he and Nugget would be dead too!_

There was a crash from the other room, and just as the hooded stranger pulled his door open, Nugget launched, teeth bared, and Luc saw a blue blur slam into the hooded figure from behind. The figure went rigid while the living room became a cacophony shouts and loud noises that made Luc’s ears hot. The Mighty Nien were here- The Mighty Nein would rescue him. But he wasn't helpless, he was brave, like his Mommy and Daddy. The little fairy hands helped him load the special bolt, and he leveled it at the stunned figure and fired true.

Beau pulled her fists back from her target not quite fast enough as _something_ caused an explosion of gloopy goo right into them. The figure in front of her- a scourger, it had to be- shielded her just enough to not be quite as utterly covered as they were. 

“Aw man- MOTHERFUCK!” Beau yelled, feet and fist firmly stuck in place. Behind her, she heard Jester scream, first in a pained mourning, and then in pure rage. Beau craned her head and torso around as far as the glue would allow and watched the display of colors as some idiot met the full brunt of her dear darling, not to be underestimated, friend. She turned back around.

“Luc?” Beau called out. She pulled at her fist again, managing to seal her free hand to her forearm. "FUCKINGSHIT! “Nugget?” She heard a loud bark and took a shallow breath, figuring at least the dog was with him. The stuck scourger began to struggle violently in their sticky prison, and in an instant, they disappeared from within the goop, causing it to fall in a pile without a body to stick to. Beau could see into the room, Luc was scrambling towards the window while the Scoruger tried to swat away the spectral guardians that swarmed him. Beau focused her energy, taking a slow, deep breath and felt her body calm and her senses heighten. With the right resistance from the glue, and the proper torque from her hips….

Beau sprung from forward, ripping her boots free, and slammed into the slightly sticky scourger again. Luc hugged Nugget close and the two blinked out of sight again. Beau's fist connected once, and the second swing missed as the scourger ducked out of the way, gasping for breath. She watched him snarl, waving his hand anew to cast. To her great relief, he began to glow with a purple-grey energy before being crumpled to the floor with incredible force. A _crunch_ sounded out as his legs and bones failed under the sudden compounding of gravity. Beau grinned, and dropped her knee down onto the figure, before following with two more brutal blows to his head while he was stilled under Essek's spell. She saw more than felt the torso go limp as it crumpled further to the ground, and then relax slightly as the spell released.

Beau straightened up and smiled, before the coughs of a man brought back to flesh returned the grimace to her face. She joined her friends in the living room.

Jester was on her knees, hugging the red dragonborn who had previously been POA(Petrified on arrival). Fjord and Cadeusus were nowhere to be seen, and Caleb was holding two fingers to his temple, focused on a message.

“Veth, there was been an incident. Luc is safe. We will all meet you at Yussa’s tower. Be _incredibly_ careful.” Caleb said, and turned to meet Beau’s gaze.

“Fjord and Deaucy?” Beau said, wiping the sweat from her brow. Her eyes finally came to rest on the strangest sight she had seen all evening... maybe one of the strangest in the last few months. She saw lots of strange shit, she realized.

Luc was clinging to Essek, silent but firmly attached around his neck, while Essek- to his credit- held him gingerly and glanced between his friends, looking for some hint of instruction on how to comfort a child who had picked _him_ of all people to cling to. Beau felt a smile return as Essek’s eyes briefly met her’s. She stepped over Nugget, who was faithfully watching over Luc, and leaned over.

“Hey, Luc.” Beau said gently. “You alright?” Luc turned to face her and looked her up and down. Essek raised a brow.

"You got lots of the glue blast on you." He said, reaching out to touch a blob still stuck on Beau's shoulder. "I'm sorry." Luc said.

"Oh, man , don't worry about that. You did great." Beau said. "Hey, do you think you can help me get some of this glue off? Is there like a trick to it or something?" Beau said. Luc's arms slackened around Essek and he slid from his grasp. Essek's eyes remained wide on the child as Luc pondered. He looked over the where Mr. Stonesage was extending and flexing his limbs as the feeling came back to them. Bad business, getting petrified. Worse was it meant these were almost definitely scourgers. Mages that strong didn't just 'pop up'. Luc started towards the kitchen and climbed onto the counter.

"Flour- you can use flour to get it off." He said. Nugget hopped up onto the counter after him. Being a halfling home, it really wasn't that high to begin with. Caleb called for attention.

“Yussa is expecting all of us.” He said. Beau nodded.

“Where’s Fjord and Cadeusus?” Beau said, crossing her arms and furrowing her brows. Her knuckles stuck slightly to her robes. “Damn.” She said, shaking at the adhesive.

“The other one made a break for it, but I doubt they will catch him.” Caleb said with a grim certainty. He peered past Beau towards Luc’s room. “What about your's?”

“Out cold, for the time being.” Beau said. “I get the feeling he's going to prefer to stay that way after whatever Essek did to him." There was a crash from the kitchen as several things fell from the cabinets. Jester took the flour from Luc and helped him down.

"We found the flour!" Luc announced, a smile and some color returning to his face. Essek smiled.

"Still, some gaurentee would be a comfort." He said. "Caleb, do you still have those manacles?" 

"Ja, right here." Caleb said, producing them. "Do you think his companion will try and recover him?" Essek shrugged.

"They are not the type to be left behind unless there is no hope of retrieval." Essek said. "Even then, we should treat him as an active threat. We have only kept one scourger in bondage, ever. There is good reason for that."

“Maybe Yussa has like a prison cell or something at his house?” Jester offered, and then nodded to herself. "Quick question: does your house have a jail?"

Essek couldn't stop a small laugh, which drew a brief smile to Caleb's face. Beau rolled her eyes. It was probably nice to not be on the receiving end of those vague and concerning questions for once. Jester smiled and nodded.

"He has a cell." Jester said. "He said we should come now."

"I would prefer if we take the quickest possible route to this person's home." Essek spoke up. Caleb frowned. Beau joined him. 

"You think they'd attack us in the street?" Beau said. Luc dusted flour onto her hands, as though his home wasn't in shambles around him. 

"I think-" Essek said carefully, glancing to Caleb. "-that we have just dealt our final upper hand for the time being. They did not know the extent to which Luc was protected, now they do. The best thing we can do is make sure they cannot find him again." Luc perked up.

"Can I come with to Xhorhas?" He said, hand falling from Beau's and turning towards Essek. Beau let herself be distracted by pulling off globs of glue and splatting it to the floor. Luc wandered over to Essek, and Essek shrunk slightly back, putting a hand out before he could be floured too.

"Not this time." Essek said, and gave a swift prestidigitate to clear the child of powder. Looking down at himself, and then back up to Essek, Luc took a ginger step closer. Beau smiled as Essek extended an arm towards Luc, which the little boy quickly took and clung to Essek's petit form. Caleb began to draw a circle on the floor.

Noise was at the forefront of Essek’s mind.

Veth’s onslaught of questions of what happened.

The wizard Yussa’s investigation into who exactly were these strangers(one unconscious, one not) whom the Mighty Nein had brought into his home.

Essek pressed his temple to his palm, rubbing his hand along his jaw while the semi-panicked conversation continued. Is anywhere safe? Is Nicodranas safe? Could they hide? Where would they hide? He laughed a bit at that. Cathartic, that was a word. Of course, he didn’t wish his friends an existence where there was no safety to be found, but having company after living that reality for years alone was welcome.

“If the Assembly wish to find someone,” Essek chimed in, “I think it is safe to assume they will be found.” He shut his eyes and rubbed at the bridge of his nose. Yussa’s sitting room was probably safe enough, but this was but a moment to decompress and process all that had happened. 

“I agree.” Caduceus said, frowning, but maintaining his steadfast calm. “And, I could be wrong- I’m still very new at all of this- but I don’t think staying out of sight is the way to deal with this.”

“What do you mean?” Fjord said. Essek took a deep breath and sighed. He felt Caleb’s hand come to rest on his shoulder and looked over to face him. Essek blinked in a way he hoped conveyed how badly he wanted to not be here, with all of them, in this particular situation. How this was everything he had been warning them against, come to pass.... but it wasn't.

Caleb raised a brow slightly and gave a small smile, at which point Essek wanted nothing more than to curl up in his arms and sleep for ages. This was not Essek's own fault. The Assembly could not have known attacking Luc would be a strike against him as well. 

“I mean hiding from them is just giving them permission to keep doing whatever they want." Caduceus said. "They keep to the shadows because they can’t risk being held accountable for the things they’re doing. We need to bring them into the light, not follow them into the darkness."

Essek blinked his eyes open and realized he had begun to doze off, pressed into Caleb's side. But the Nein were doing fine reaching reasonable conclusions on their own, he didn't need to be... too....present... his head lulled to the side briefly before snapping awake again. He saw Jester smiling sweetly at him from the opposite couch.

"Would it do any good to report this to the Zalezo?" Yeza said. "I mean they broke into our _house_."

"The Zalezo would be powerless to do anything." Beau said.

"If the skills of this person are as I have been told," Yussa said, "then escaping from the Zalezo and returning to the Empire would be an incredibly small feat."

"So _why?"_ Yeza said, and Essek heard a lilt to his voice he had hoped to never hear again. His stomach turned. Veth took Yeza's hand and he managed to calm himself. They turned to Luc. "Luc, could you take Nugget and go play for a while?"

Luc fiddled at a puzzle box Yussa had provided to him. 

"Luc." Yeza repeated. Luc looked up at him, mouth twisted in a frown.

"Do I have to?" He said. Frightened, Essek realized. Both of them were, terribly shaken. Essek felt his gut clench, revisiting the memories he instilled that were currently causing his friends pain. Think, damnit. That's about all you're good for!

“Yeza,” Essek said, and Yeza turned to him. “Is there any way that Vess Derogna, or the Assembly would know you’re married to Veth?” Beau raised a brow from across the room. Yeza thought.

“I mean,” Yeza scratched his head. “There should be a marriage license kept in Felderwin, but I’m pretty sure Felderwin still thinks she's dead.”

“You think the Assembly wouldn’t have attacked if they knew Luc and Yeza were affiliated with us?” Fjord said. Beau nodded along with Essek.

“It doesn’t make sense to me either.” Beau said, drawing eyes to her. “Why would the Assembly try to blackmail Yeza again now that he's back with us? What good does it do them to piss us off right now?”

“It doesn’t.” Caleb said, shifting to cross his arms. He paused for a second and then turned to Essek, who blinked and sat up a little straighter. “When the escaped scourger returns, Ikithon will realize his misstep. He has invited further anger and suspicion from a group the Assembly just worked quite hard to placate and build a relationship with, if Lady DeRogna’s invitation of work is anything to go off of.”

“Think we could play the Assembly against him?” Beau said.

“It's possible." Caleb shrugged. "He is not popular, but he is very dangerous, and surrounded by very dangerous people." Essek watched Caleb's gaze falter at the mention of 'very dangerous people', and it stirred fear inside of him.

A strange fear, one he couldn't quite put his finger on.

“Historically, the Assembly only tolerates their more problematic members, " Yussa said, calmly listening, "so long as their usefulness outweighs their treachery. With the right words to the right people, who knows?" Yussa shrugged. "I am not saying they will immediately abandon him, but you might be able to provide a shorter leash.”

"They'd kick him out?" Beau said, brow raised in a questioning, inquisitive way that Essek could appreciate. "You think they'd kick him out?" Yussa stared at her blankly.

"No, they'd kill him." Yussa said. "But best be realistic in your expectations. This may only result in a slap on the wrist."

“I could live with that.” Beau said, glancing between all of the wizards. “So how do we let the Assembly know they fucked up?”

“They will know soon enough.” Essek yawned. “The Marquise is also aware of _our_ friendship. He will put together who the single Drow mage fighting alongside you all was.”

“Scourgers do not report to the Marquise.” Caleb said. “They report to Ikithon.”

“Just as well, he also knows my face.” Essek said, letting his eyes slide shut as his head tipped onto Caleb’s shoulder. He felt Caleb tense under him, even though that should not have been news to him. Perhaps he was still more raw from the other day than Essek had assumed. 

“So, the scourger goes back, Ickython freaks out- oh my god, do you guys think he might try and like, get in touch with us or something?” Jester said, screwing up her face.

“He is not someone who readily admits mistakes.” Caleb said. “Or makes them. But I am wondering if our guest might be able to convey some message for us.” Caleb nodded towards the door Yussa had deposited the unconscious and manacled scourger behind. So clever, Essek thought to himself.

“That would certainly get a message across.” Beau said.

“…. That message being?” Fjord said.

“We let your guy go, and we didn’t have to.” Beau said. “Frame it as a favor, hoping there won’t be anymore ‘misunderstandings’ about how far our reach goes.”

“And then follow that up with a wedding.” Cadeusus said, and Essek groaned. Of course they still wanted to go to the wedding. Caduceus was nodding and smiling. “Yeah. I like this plan.” 

Over the next half hour, the group put their plan into motion. Once the captured scourger seemed to fully process the gravity of their situation, they were as cooperative as could be expected. Just as they were finishing their conversation, Beau gave the assassin a good crack across the jaw.

“What’s your name?” She said, cracking her knuckles in the threat of a second blow. Essek saw the confused and irritated look on his face as the scourger recognized the truth telling effect of the punch. Essek chewed his lip and waited, feeling his own jaw grow a bit sore as well. Empathy?

“…Jerimiah Lohcolth.” They finally answered. Yussa released the scourger of their shackles, and in the next instant they were gone in a flash. Essek watched Caleb and Beau exchange a grin, possibly celebrating their perceived position of being one step ahead. One more name for the Cobalt Soul to investigate. The group made idle around Yussa’s home, giving the scroungers a chance to reconvene. Jester looked to Fjord, who stretched and held up two fists in preparation.

“Hey Jerry…. What’s up?” Jester said, which sent Yasha giggling and Beau smiling. jester rambled on and they waited a few moments for the reply. Jester made a face.

“… He says we are off the hook for now, with Master Ikithon's sincerest apologies. ” She stuck her tongue out and Essek glanced to Caleb. His grip was tight on his own arms and Essek gently leaned his cheek to Caleb's shoulder again. He felt Caleb's head bonk atop his own, and figured that was the best distraction he could hope to offer for the moment. Jester sent another quick message ahead to her mother, requesting rooms for the party and the Brenattos, just for the night. A fine bed sounded utterly fantastic to Essek, and for all the stress the last few days had been, everything seems to be coming together in a suspiciously peaceful fashion. He would be concerned about it in the morning, at the moment, he was just tired.

The walk to the Chateau was quiet and uneventful but for Jester and Caduceus discussing wedding attire for the group. Soon, Caleb was locking a dark wooden door behind them and they were finally alone in their room at the Chateau. The bed was wide, covered in lush red pillows and blankets. Essek lowered himself down to sit with a groan and scratched his nails over his scalp. Yesterday Caleb had testified to the Cobalt Soul. That night, Essek had finally felt comfortable enough to 'go all the way' with Caleb.... enjoyable as it had been, it seemed rather small in the grand scheme of things. Verin was getting married. Luc had been attacked. The bonds between the people he cared for and the people he greatly resented were confirmed, and Essek was soon to be no longer graced by the shadows that had protected him all his life. He flopped onto his back and heard Caleb laugh. 

Essek smiled and rested an arm over his face briefly, but let it fall to the side when the bed sank with Caleb's weight hovering over him. Essek looked up into playful blue eyes, smirking with a question. 

“You going to undress or I should do it for you?” Caleb said, teasing. Essek, ran a hand up Caleb's arm and encouraged him to settle at Essek's side and hold him. The bed sunk and sprung back up as Caleb’s arms slid under and around his body. Caleb seemed to glow brighter than ever before, lighter, stronger, like he wasn't afraid of anyone knowing his passions, loving or loathing.

“Hmmmmm… I would let you undress me," Essek scooted his way up to nose at Caleb's cheek. "but only to transition into sleepwear.” Caleb smiled and kissed Essek. It was sweet and warm on Essek's lips, and the press of Caleb’s body against his betrayed no expectation, only affection, and that was of great comfort. Essek held a hand to Caleb's face, willing the texture to be something he would never forget, just in case he should loose it. Essek could feel the warmth of Caleb's body beside him, and wondered in a small, scared part of himself, if they would still have this to share in the following days, and weeks, and months and years. Caleb blinked slowly at him and his breath was warm as he spoke.

“…. I consider myself very lucky to be loved by you.” Caleb said. “To be privileged to love you, as well.”

Essek's body flushed in a wave of embarrassment, tinged with guilt. It burned and he could not look at Caleb for a moment. He turned his head away, his hand falling from Caleb's cheek.

Lucky was not appropriate. Neither was privileged. 

"Essek." Caleb said quietly. Essek blinked hard and turned back to Caleb. He was tugged closer and forced himself to hold eye contact.

"I..." He stared, but could imagine Caleb's retort in his mind before he could speak it aloud. Caleb considered himself and Essek on equal footing, as far as treachery, no matter if Essek maintained his own motivations were worse. He drew a long breath in, and returned to stroking his thumb over Caleb's cheek. "....you know I feel much the same." Essek said. "In many ways." He smiled and shrugged. "Perhaps one day I will be so bold as to freely admit such statements."

Caleb cocked a brow.

"I am fairly sure you already have." Caleb said, and leaned in closer, nosing towards Essek's neck. Essek's middle squirmed, waves of guilt splashing over him as Caleb's lips found purchase and fluttered over his skin. Tamp it down. You are allowed to enjoy your life. Redemption is a process, not a goal. You needn't punish yourself by denying yourself of him, who cares as no one rightly should. Essek hugged Caleb closer and craned his head away, revealing the darker marks that had just begun to fade. Caleb did not create any more, only revisited the few that seemed to stand out in his mind. Soon they were cuddling, and the tight knot of anxiety began to unfurl in Essek's belly.

He gripped tighter into Caleb's shirt, letting the grip slacken when Caleb gave him an inquisitive glance. 

"Ah, uh, I" Essek sputtered, but Caleb waited patiently, finally yawning himself and settling back to kick off his boots and pants as they finally got ready for bed. Essek composed himself and began doing the same, pulling open a small pocket in space, just to stay organized. " I am... quite worried, how this will all turn out." Essek said. Caleb had folded his shirt over his pants and set them aside. Now he pulled down the covers for himself and Essek.

Caleb was quiet, so Essek licked his lips and continued as he climbed into bed after him. "I don't..." He began, but trailed off. Essek chewed his lip and hesitated while Caleb settled and left a comfortable looking crook under his arm. Essek shifted into it and laid his cheek against Caleb's chest, while the blankets were pulled up over him "I don't know what is going to happen, and that terrifies me."

Caleb's fingers traied over Essek's shoulders while he formulated wha to say. Essek felt his eyes growing heavy. His head was lifted slightly as Caleb took in a deep breath and sighed.

"I don't think you are alone in feeling that way" Caleb said. "I am...." His fingers drummed on Essek's shoulder. "I don't know that I am frightened anymore. Angry, moreso." Caleb said, offering a half smile. He leaned closer into Essek's space, and Essek leaned forward to kiss him softly. Caleb kept his forehead pressed to Essek's, and then leaned away with a dry laugh. "I am sorry." Caleb said, and leaned back into the pillows. "I wish I had more words of comfort to offer, but everything feels phony, or dismissive of our situation." Caleb said.

He was right, Essek knew. He was right to be angry. Essek was right to be frightened. He settled his ear over Caleb's heart. Any edge they gained through association with one another was just as easily doubled back on them. Caleb rubbed his hand over Essek's back and hugged him close. Essek hugged back, and shifted to lean on his chin, looking up at Caleb. Caleb smiled a little sadly at him

"..... I am sorry you are frightened." Caleb said softly. Essek leaned forward and cuddled against Caleb's cheek.

"Thank you." Essek whispered and pressed a kiss to Caleb's cheek. "I appreciate the sentiment. I do not know how to resolve all of this in my mind, but perhaps that is.... unwise to try to. Things are rather sticky, even if we face the darkness with our friends." Essek said, and settled onto the pillow beside him. "I... love you. You are aware of this, of course, but all the same. Who can say if we may soon be without the opportunity to say it." It was morbid, he knew. In the way Caleb yawned and kissed his forehead, he knew. But he loved Caleb, and he was afraid. Existing with vastly contrasting emotions in his heart was something he was becoming more and more adapt at. Love and fear was somehow much better than ambition and fear. 

"Goodnight, Essek."

"Goodnight, Caleb..." Essek said, and then mumbled into his ear while he let his eyes shut and invite sleep. "I do love you."

"I also love you."

"Goodnight Caleb."

"Goodnight, shatz."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There are probably typos! I really wanted to post something! I'm working in two jobs I like and the world is on fire! I miss Essek! 
> 
> This might be it for a bit- I kinda want to catch up with canon and meld my personal world-building into what going on now... idk. I'll post when I can. I've been feeling more inclined to explore stuff that isn't really where this fic was heading, so I need to figure out what to do with that.
> 
> As always, comments and kudos are appreciated
> 
> stay safe out there


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